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Dad doesn’t want to come to my wedding

BrokenHearted88
Community Member

Hi I’m newly engaged which I’m really happy about. I live in Vic and we have family all over so we are having an engagement party because who knows when we can have a wedding!!

Anyway, my parents have been divorced for 22 years and my mum is happily remarried. My dad is still single.

when i asked my dad if he would come to our engagement party he said he doesn’t want to because mum and my step dad will be there. He said he doesn’t want to come to the wedding either but will if he must as he went to my sisters and ‘its only fair’....

now what can i say. I have little to no expectations of my father, he hasn’t really been there for me or supported me ever. Hes never come to anything important for me. He doesn’t show up. Yet i still feel heart broken and angry.

i feel like he shouldn’t come to the wedding if its going to be such a horrible chore for him. My fiancé is terrible at emotions and now im angry at him too for saying the wrong things.

can anyone help me with this? Should’ve i just get over it? I already accept my dad is not a good father and ive made peace with the ways he’s broken my heart in the past and just lowered my expectations of him, but this is my wedding and I really thought he would WANT to be there for me and be happy for me.....

4 Replies 4

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion
Hi, welcome

I really sympathise with you. I'm experienced at this, let me explain.

4 days before my first wedding in 1985 my mother cause big issues tgat she could have avoided. I told her not to attend my wedding. Eventually I allowed her. At the reception every photo taken of her she put on a childish grumpy face, spoke I'll of me to everyone and wasn't pleasant to my bride.

Fast track to 2011 and my second wedding. Again she caused mayhem 3 weeks before the big day. This time I banned her. She told others she was going to ruin my wedding planned in a public park. I was forced to get a restraining order stopping her attending.

I haven't seen my mother since! 10 years. Two other ladies have taken her place as mother figures that appreciate me.

If your father places the presence of other people above your great day then I wouldn't want him there. Choose another special person to give you away, a great honour for someone.

Enjoy your day and remember- you can't save the world and...change people's attitudes.

TonyWK

Thanks for sharing Tony,

I would not have my father give me away whether he attends or not. That is something i reserve for my mother.

although I don’t believe he would deliberately try and ruin my day i did think he would at least want to attend. I am shocked he is still harbouring such feelings two decades later that appear stronger than his care for me. It hurts me he feels this way and cant put things aside for one day in his life to at least try and make his daughter happy. I hope myself and my fiancé never makes our son feel like that.

Very understandable.

Not excusing him but a separation/divorce can be traumatic for anyone. He has likely harboured many feelings and to see your mother with someone else will regenerate all the hurt he's experienced and overcome, only to restart it all.

Can you ask him if he is willing to sit at the back of the venue during the wedding? Can you accept that he could opt for not attending the reception?

What do you think.?

Family counseling?

TonyWK

Thealth
Community Member

Hi,

Dads could be really messed up. I'm not sure how you'd go around with it. But since it's your wedding, I think the most important thing is that you and your fiance are happy. Pray for him but don't ruin your special day just because someone doesn't see it as you do.