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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team keeps the Forums anonymous, posts are still online for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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Sydney78 Feeling lost after relationship is over
  • replies: 3

This year has been totally exhausting. After a 3 and a half year relationship (which was difficult in many ways) I tried to end it properly and move on but my ex has kept up contact this whole year and pulled me back then pushed me away constantly. M... View more

This year has been totally exhausting. After a 3 and a half year relationship (which was difficult in many ways) I tried to end it properly and move on but my ex has kept up contact this whole year and pulled me back then pushed me away constantly. More recently he pulled me way back in after a very long emotional in person talk we had. He expressed his feelings were still strong for me, made it seem like he wanted us to try to fix everything. This deep communication led to us being intimate again a few times...a day later I’m shown that he’s active on a dating site... There’s been other signs he’s definitely done along the way this year but I definitely didn’t want to believe it or feel it. After a long, exhausting year of the push and pull from him I’m constantly anxious, still missing what we had, finding it hard to believe that he was such a deceptive and unstable man, and that the connection I felt with him perhaps wasn’t real. Our relationship has led to me having chronic fatigue and major anxiety and depression. It’s affected me so much that I haven’t been able to work and barely eat. I’m an empath and give way too much of myself in a relationship. He definitely took all of my good energy and how I am now is nowhere near who I used to be. I guess I’m on here to look to others who’ve been through this intense level of heartbreak. What helped you ease the panic? What helped you get over your ex? What helped on a daily/ hourly level? I’ve known for a long time that he’s not good for me and that I deserve better, now I’m just trying to shake this feeling of rejection, abandonment, fear, hurt, sadness... I have been doing a lot of reading around attachment, cutting cords etc. I’m also trying meditation and staying active when I can.

BTR What to do when you’ve been cheated on? Advice?
  • replies: 6

I’m 29 years old and I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We were due to get married in September but due to Covid we rescheduled to January 2021. We are also building a brand new home in a different suburb which is due to be finished in two weeks... View more

I’m 29 years old and I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We were due to get married in September but due to Covid we rescheduled to January 2021. We are also building a brand new home in a different suburb which is due to be finished in two weeks time, and as a result we have been living with his nan. Two days ago I found out that he has been cheating on me. I received a message that he had been cheating on me with someone last year for about 8 months. I went into his phone and also found text messages of numerous other people he’d been seeing, physically and emotionally. When I asked him about it, he denied it until I showed him the proof on his phone. I feel so betrayed and ashamed and overwhelmed with the impossible decision of whether to stay or leave. If I leave I’ll have to cancel a wedding, never be able to live in our dream home in a dream suburb and that this will be on display to everyone that was suppose to be coming to the wedding. Or do I stay and try and work through it and see how things go. I just can’t believe it happened it just doesn’t seem like him, it’s like it’s a dream. I believe everything he says but how can I now when I know there’s been so much deceit. He is seeing a counselor for the past 2 months and in that time he has cheated. He said that now that I know he feels relief as he can truly let me know how mentally not well he’s been. He appears remorseful and says he adores me and wants to do everything he can to make it work. I don’t know what I want. I do love and care for him but is it all to much. I fear that if I leave then it’ll be worse than what I’ve got. Some days I feel like I don’t care, some days I feel like I deserve better, some days it’s just all too much. Any advice on what to do and how I make this impossible decision please!

genericsblue Is he gaslighting me or does he really want me to be his girlfriend?
  • replies: 4

I’ve been dating this guy for about 8/9 months. We’re 9 years apart and I don’t notice the age difference. We get along like a house on fire, always laughing together. He tells me regularly ‘I laugh so much with you’, I know his friends, his family k... View more

I’ve been dating this guy for about 8/9 months. We’re 9 years apart and I don’t notice the age difference. We get along like a house on fire, always laughing together. He tells me regularly ‘I laugh so much with you’, I know his friends, his family know about me but we haven’t been able to meet due to Covid. He invites me to all the 'big' things in his life. A few months into dating, he asked to make sure that we’re not seeing other people. He isn’t into casual sex and I think exclusivity is important to him. A few months ago I was anxious about what we were - he hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend and I thought this is something that he would’ve wanted to do. He’s traditional, wanting something serious such as marriage/family. We had a few talks about the direction of our relationship, he said there were a few things he was a bit concerned about, a few things we maybe didn’t have in common (he’s very risk-averse and overthinks everything). His concerns were things like ‘I like anime and you don’t’ ‘I like fiction books and you don’t’ After that conversation he said he would decide at the end of his exams, his exams have finished now. He went away recently with some of his University friends, he was unsure of whether to go (seemed like he wanted to be with me, haha) and wanted to see me before he left. I’ve felt good about everything between us post exams as I had a feeling he was going to slowly contact me less and less and try and see me less - due to his uncertainty. So the other night on the phone, I told him that I wasn’t quite sure whether continuing to have sex with him was a wise idea as we aren’t boyfriend/girlfriend. He was confused that I said it was casual. I said ‘well, we aren’t in a relationship’ and he said ‘you are my girlfriend’ I’m certain he went onto say ’I thought we’ve known this since we started dating’ so I then asked him ‘well if I was to meet a new friend of yours that I haven’t met, would you introduce me as your girlfriend? And he said yes. I just wonder why he had this hesitancy a few times when we had the discussion a few months back though? There was even a point where I suggested we should end things because he wasn't so sure and he agreed. There were just some uncertainties on his part. He said he could've been overthinking it. As a result, it sort of made me more anxious and I suggested we should end it.

perry44 We want different things...
  • replies: 2

Hey everyone, I’ve been with my partner for 10Yrs, we have no children together but have raised 5 between us and our ex’s. Our kids are all pretty well grown up now and have already or are starting to move out of home and for some reason I’m feeling ... View more

Hey everyone, I’ve been with my partner for 10Yrs, we have no children together but have raised 5 between us and our ex’s. Our kids are all pretty well grown up now and have already or are starting to move out of home and for some reason I’m feeling a lot less secure in our relationship as a couple lately. My biggest issue is that he is still married to his ex and insists its a nightmare to get a divorce in Australia (both Aus citizens) as they were married in Vegas. I’ve done some research and it’s no different to getting a normal divorce but he avoids talking about it and ultimately he just won’t do it for some reason even tho he knows it’s important to me. He still has a good relationship with his ex and they co parent very successfully which I have always supported. I don’t know if I’m just being stupid by wanting them to be divorced or if I’m more stupid staying with a guy who is someone else’s husband and essentially will never be mine..? In saying that there are other ongoing underlying problems... for example I have never met any of his family and do not spend any special occasions with them. His grandfather recently passed away and I couldn’t even be there for him because i don’t know any of them and I’m pretty sure they hate me tbh but his ex was there to support him and their kids. Also, we have lived together all of these years In a de facto relationship but we don’t discuss our finances (which have always been seperate) or long term goals etc. I know for a fact that his superannuation and life insurance policy has his ex as the beneficiary which I’m not sure whether to be worried about or not. If something was to happen to him his kids would be my first priority so it’s not about me getting his assets, it’s more like I don’t feel like we are truely connected or something..? I’m reading what I’m writing and can’t even believe I put up with it..., but to be honest it hasn’t worried me in the past, it’s just as I get older it bothers me a lot more than it used to

amym Struggling with break up
  • replies: 2

2 months ago my ex and I mutually ended our 2.5 year relationship. The relationship in itself had many positives, and all in all was generally healthy. We got on well and fought very little. We ended it due to individual issues, I struggled with feel... View more

2 months ago my ex and I mutually ended our 2.5 year relationship. The relationship in itself had many positives, and all in all was generally healthy. We got on well and fought very little. We ended it due to individual issues, I struggled with feelings of insecurity and jealousy while he had issues committing and being emotionally available. We loved each other dearly but knew that the relationship couldn't work well if these issues still continued. I saw him on the weekend for the first time in just under two months at a party, we got on really well and hung out with each other all through the night. It's reminded me how much I miss him and I feel like I'm back at day one with the breakup. We've been speaking all through this week and I really want to get back together with him despite knowing we are better off apart right now. I don't know how to shake this feeling that I'll never find anyone again or that I'll never get over him. I miss him so much.

Beverly Jail of a ex partner
  • replies: 2

I recently found out my ex is in custody. He had many breaches against me. We share a child together our only child. It is hard to let go. I was so in love with him and he with me but he was narcissistic in his ways with drugs. Now everyday I live wi... View more

I recently found out my ex is in custody. He had many breaches against me. We share a child together our only child. It is hard to let go. I was so in love with him and he with me but he was narcissistic in his ways with drugs. Now everyday I live with fear and if he is to get out. Over the years the blame and shame I was made to feel for his decisions. I am a very torn up person because of this man but still miss him dearly. I somehow need to let go of what he was when we met and to the person he is now. I fear for my life if he is released. Noone understands the blame I feel and the guilt I feel for putting him into jail. I can't sleep, not a moment passes how I miss him. How do I move on. How do I tell our child that his father is in jail and he is never to contact this man. The damage that is done overwhelms me and consumes me over and over again I just plain miss him, the old him. The non abusive him. The man that lived me so much. The man who I once felt was my everything. I am lost. It's the most horrific drug I have ever come across and has taken his life I see it as a illness not a addiction. His mental health has deteriorated over the years because of this drug and I no longer recognise this man. The man I loved for so very long

adamc Sick of Dad's Put Down Comments
  • replies: 12

I'm 37 and over the years I have had to put up with my dad's put down comments or his"This is what you do and this is how you do it" attitude. At my Year 12 graduation he told me "Now, when you collect your certificate, you take it with your left han... View more

I'm 37 and over the years I have had to put up with my dad's put down comments or his"This is what you do and this is how you do it" attitude. At my Year 12 graduation he told me "Now, when you collect your certificate, you take it with your left hand and shake the hand of the teacher with your right." The other week, I applied for the Defence Force and when I had a group video conference where people got to ask questions, I asked one question but the one I should've asked was since they see people coming through with differing personalities like outgoing and who makes friends easily but what about those who are naturally shy and quiet like me. Dad told me "Oh no, don't tell them that. They only want to take people who ARE outgoing and makes friends easily. They won't want people who are shy." So Dad is telling me to lie to them and be someone I'm not. And then just the other day I was helping Dad shift some things around in the shed and after carrying something heavy, I was trying to get the proper hold when he said "You better go get yourself some gloves. Don't want you hurting your little fingers."

Plain_Jane_2 Help me please I don’t know what to do
  • replies: 3

Please help me I don’t know where to turn to. I have a problem with confrontation and bottle things up. I was told several years ago to write things down as a way to clear my head. This I have been doing with the thought that no one would see it. unf... View more

Please help me I don’t know where to turn to. I have a problem with confrontation and bottle things up. I was told several years ago to write things down as a way to clear my head. This I have been doing with the thought that no one would see it. unfortunately my husband has found it and read it. There were my feelings in there and also comments about him and consequently the •••• has hit the fan. He is now dredging up the past and has informed me we are finished and it’s all over. I have tried to talk to him but he won’t listen to me. I know I have issues and need help with them. He is hurting so badly all he wants to do is hurt me but there are others that stand to loose a lot if we split up. i feel dead inside and just want to get away from the world to make it all stop. please help me

Mapletree Someone to talk to - marriage infidelity
  • replies: 1

I’ve been marriage for many, many years. My husband cheated more than a decade ago and I’m not dealing with it. It was long term over a few years. I thought it was an affair. It was a relationship. I know that now. He did not tell me everything up un... View more

I’ve been marriage for many, many years. My husband cheated more than a decade ago and I’m not dealing with it. It was long term over a few years. I thought it was an affair. It was a relationship. I know that now. He did not tell me everything up until a few weeks ago. We’ve done the counselling, together, alone. We’ve even had another child after the fact. I’ve since learned more truths that he had hidden about the same instance. The circle of people that knew what he was doing has widened. I hate that. The humiliation is hurting so much. He has made all the right actions to turn this around. Until this when I ask him about the new stuff I didn’t know. He’s angry that I can’t take the new truth and try and move on with him. He thought I had moved on. I thought I had too, somewhat. I’ve not forgotten, but I thought I’d forgiven. I don’t think I can. I don’t want to leave, we have kids and a good life. And I do love him but not like I used to. I just want to live. I want to be happy, but I don’t know how, because I’m so sad. I see a counsellor now on my own and it feels like it’s brought everything back to the surface. I need to enjoy my kids and I need to smile and laugh and feel alive. But I feel so dead and unloved and so so sad. I just want someone to talk to, openly, without judgement, without solutions because everyone is different and I don’t even know where to start anymore. I enjoy my kids, they are amazing, I need to be happy in this relationship with them because I feel it’s healthier as they have no clue about any of this.

Anon1997 I’m not receiving the support I think I deserve
  • replies: 4

My mother & I have had a little bit of a rocky history the last 4-6 months or so but we’ve never fought, mainly I’ve tried to express my feelings of hurt etc & she’s always found a way to brush it off or make it seem as if my feelings are invalid. Ot... View more

My mother & I have had a little bit of a rocky history the last 4-6 months or so but we’ve never fought, mainly I’ve tried to express my feelings of hurt etc & she’s always found a way to brush it off or make it seem as if my feelings are invalid. Other than that, we get along fine & laugh etc. tonight I asked if she would help watch my son once a week for a few hrs next yr as I plan to study full time. She said no, & I tried to say it’s not for a whole day just for a few hrs & she still said no & that she works. I get it, it’s not her responsibility, my ex husband is currently not in the picture due to DVO & we are yet to file for divorce. But then she turned around & said oh okay I can. This makes me anxious & makes me feel as if she’s not 100% supportive. I’m not sure if I should take her up on her offer now as I feel she may feel pressured into doing it hence why she changed her mind. When she asked what I’d be studying she said ok kind of in a mocking tone & I asked if I could use her computer desk & she said yes but laughed at me and asked why don’t I buy a new one. I explained I’m very limited for money right now & again she just laughed at me & I asked her what she was laughing at but she just ignored me. Now I’m anxious being around her again & im not sure if this relationship is worth keeping if she’s going to continue acting unsupportive & laughing at me when I’m genuinely trying to improve my life. She’s old, so she’s always had that tough love attitude but I’m getting over it now, I think communicating would fit nicely but she always shuts me out or ignores me