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In December 2019, I had just accepted a new job and was about to relocate from Perth to Brisbane with my husband to be closer to family and eventually start a family of our own. One week before our flight I woke up in the middle of the night with this feeling in my gut that my Husband was not coming with me so I told him about this expecting him to deny it and reassure me instead he said that he wasn’t coming with me as he had decided he didn’t want children. I pushed him to go speak to a psychologist to make sure that was what he wanted and wasn’t a decision based on fear and depression(which he had a history of). He agreed and although he moved out he said he was committed to trying to save our marriage... over the next few weeks he told me he thought he was gay (which he later took back), that he was a sex addict and a compulsive liar. I discovered he had been engaging in online sexting with strangers via Reddit for 3 years (We had only been married 3.5 although we’re together 9.5). Throughout all of this I said I would forgive him if he got help but he ultimately decided he didn’t want to try but said in his next relationship he would get counselling. Since then I have had to move interstate, sell our house and figure out our finances and coordinate everything, whilst trying to cope with the emotional aspect, whilst starting a new job, whilst living with my parents during lock down. I just keep trying to understand why this all happened and how someone without ever expressing concern with our relationship or trying marriage counseling could just walk away. Due to my lack of energy and depression I am now struggling to perform in my job. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this downward spiral.
2 Replies 2

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Sarah11111, and I'm just so sorry for all of this to be sprung on you unexpectedly.

Not wanting children is no reason why he couldn't move with you and by saying ' in his next relationship he would get counselling' certainly wouldn't give you the encouragement you're looking for, because love doesn't have to be felt multiple times, it grows within the marriage/relationship over time, if you love someone it doesn't come and go, although altercations may occur.

You title this thread 'divorce' and to find the answers to the questions you ask, may vary from time to time, but because he has made the decision not to go with you may give you the answer, unfortunately, you're after.

Can I ask you if you have seen a psychologist before and now that you've moved interstate a phone call to your previous doctor enquiring about if they can direct you to someone interstate.

We are deeply sorry and feel as this is very regrettable.


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Sarah

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry to learn about all the difficulties in your life. It must seem incomprehensible to know your husband could walk away without it becoming obvious he no longer wanted to be married to you. I am sad your husband has not helped with finalising all the various tasks like selling your home. It must be a huge drain on you.

And of course this makes it so much harder to start a new job. Can you explain to your boss what has happened? I understand you may be reluctant to do this as it may add an extra layer of worry. Some employers are very helpful and supportive while others are just not interested. It's hard to tell until you have been there for a while.

I wonder if it would help if you talked to one of beyondblue's counselors either by phone or via the chat service. They can offer you support and point you to services that would also be helpful. The phone number is 1300 224 636 and is available 24/7. Or use the chat service. Alternatively you could see your GP and ask for a referral to a psychologist. Either way it would give you someone to talk to who may be able to offer different suggestions and support. I have found it helpful to talk to someone who is outside the situation.

I live in Brisbane and know how the lock down process has been going. It can be very stressful when added to the other matters you are dealing with. Not sure if it's better having someone to live with and the stresses that involve or living alone like me with little outside contact and the stress from that. Neither are satisfactory but we are staying safe.

Please continue to post in here if it helps.