Curious how "normal" families behave

[lilykitten]

SURVEY TIME: How much do you love your family?
1. Your inlaws are visiting you from overseas, they have no spending money and no hire car. How long would it be reasonable amount of time for them to stay with you?
2. Would it be insulting to offer to put them up at a nearby motel?
3. A family member is visiting and damages your car. Should he fix the damage.
4. You are visiting your inlaws overseas with your husband and two kids under three. Your inlaws only have a one bedroom house with a small living room and there is a camping park and a motel close by. Where should you stay?
5. A 50 year old son has split up with his girlfriend and has moved into the garage of his pensioner parents. How long should they let him stay?
6. Your daughter inlaw has been taking your son for granted for 15 years. She has done little to raise the two kids, spends most of her time out with friends and leaves your son to pay all the bills and do all the household chores including cooking and cleaning. When she walks out on your son and grandkids do you have to keep being nice to her?

[quirkywords]

Lilykitten

What an interesting range of questions. I am guessing they are all related to your family,

Inlike answering and asking questions but it is hard to answer. Do I answer them from my life experience or do I imagine what the circumstances are like form the information given.

here goes.

1.It depends on how much space I have and what relationship I have with them. I would say ten days then the motel.

2 . if I am paying for the motel, I think that is fair and they will enjoy the peace and quiet.

3.Yes they should pay for the damage if it was their fault.

4. Stay at motel nearby .

5. Is son paying for renting garage? if so he can stay as long as he need s to.

6.The daughter in law is still my grandchildrens mum so I would be respectful. After all I only have the story from my sons point of view and that may not be the whole truth.

ok that’s my answers. it always depends on so many factors so with little I formation is very hard to answer.

What is a “normal” family and how do they behave. I have no idea what is normal do you?

Are these questions based on your experience.

thanks for sharing these questions.

take care

Quirky

[lilykitten]

Yes, except for the last one which is the reverse. My mother locked her house so he couldn't use the bathroom. He couldn't understand why she was so mean and brought up all the times I had been upset with his family visiting as proof my family is uncaring.

[blondguy]

Hi Lilykitten

Thankyou for posting with us on the forums

Just a note on your thread title....I understand what you are going through as I have been through a similar situation yet its just my humble opinion that there is no such word as 'normal' whether in regard to an individual or especially where families are concerned.....Interesting thread topic though!

1....Circa 10 - 14 days maximum

2...Not at all...I think it would be a kind gesture

3..Absolutely!

4...No brainer....a Motel

5...Depends on his emotional well being...50 would be tough to be on your own. Circa 3 months or more

6...Feeling disappointed/angry is understandable... yet I would never let my own feelings have an effect on the children....This would represent poor (grand)parenting as the children will notice any anguish from a parent whether grand or otherwise

Can I ask how you are feeling lily? The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post what is on your mind 🙂 I hope you are reasonably okay

I hope you can post back with any questions/comments that we can help you with!

my kind thoughts

Paul

[lilykitten]

Just got to the self reflective stage in my separation of wondering what I did wrong.

My ex, who is still living in the garage and shows no sign of leaving, was upset that m mother did not want him using the bathroom in her holiday house next door.

He accused my family of not being "normal" because my family would see financially supporting adult children or living in a relatives loungeroom for over 10 days as inappropriate.These are some of the things he has brought up in the past as signs I don't love his family.

Not wanting to impose or being imposed upon I thought was a society norm but perhaps I am wrong.

[quirkywords]

lilykitten.,

Thanks for replying and giving more detail.

I think families have different traditions habits, neither is normal just their way.

In one family I know, the husbands side , family members would be in the same house and not talk to each other for hours. In the wife's family, people would still be talking to each other while one is walking up the street and the other is in the garden.

I think it is hard to judge . My ex husband would make a cup of tea at my parents house and never ask anyone if they wanted one. My family thought that strange but that is what his family did. My family would always ask others before making themselves a cup of tea. I think they are just alternate approaches .

Thanks for starting this discussion.

Have you reached any conclusions from your reflection?

Quirky

[lilykitten]

I think I have realised why my ex-husband is still living in my garage and doesn't think anything of it. By writing it all out I know there is an expectation of total support he has grown up with. My family values self sufficiency. The fact I have financially supported my husband for the last 15 years horrifies my family but he thinks it is "normal"

[quirkywords]

Lilykitten,

I am glad you have worked out why you and your ex husband think differently.

I know that some people have have a sense of entitlement , a sense of expectation that everything will be provided as soo as they ask. I had an ex partner whom I supported while he drank and complained and he had no shame in spending my money while I worked hard and he just drank and ate all day.

You were brought up in a family that valued self sufficiency and independence but when you are brought up with a sense of entitlement you have a different view on life.

What would happened if you asked your ex husband to leave or if you locked him out of the garage after giving him notice? Or have you resigned yourself to your ex staying in the garage?

Quirky

[lilykitten]

Not sure about asking him to leave. All of these sort of steps lead me closer to the point of needing a financial settlement and that just brings up a lot of bitterness and resentment. I think I should do a couple of therapy sessions to get my head in the right place before any confrontation. What do you think?

[snakes_on_a_plane]

1. Your inlaws are visiting you from overseas, they have no spending money and no hire car. How long would it be reasonable amount of time for them to stay with you?

I can only handle family staying for a little time due to my MH. I would do a week tops.

2. Would it be insulting to offer to put them up at a nearby motel?

Not at all.

3. A family member is visiting and damages your car. Should he fix the damage.

Yes, ideally. But I'd try to be understanding if it were an honest accident, if he was still being respectful and had the money to pay for it.

4. You are visiting your inlaws overseas with your husband and two kids under three. Your inlaws only have a one bedroom house with a small living room and there is a camping park and a motel close by. Where should you stay?

Wherever you're most comfortable.

5. A 50 year old son has split up with his girlfriend and has moved into the garage of his pensioner parents. How long should they let him stay?

As long as they like. If he needs extra support, Id try to seek that out for him before he left. It depends on the persons capabilities. Some people can't function alone or needs additional support services available to them.

6. Your daughter inlaw has been taking your son for granted for 15 years. She has done little to raise the two kids, spends most of her time out with friends and leaves your son to pay all the bills and do all the household chores including cooking and cleaning. When she walks out on your son and grandkids do you have to keep being nice to her?

As long as her husband is happy, I'd stay out of it. If the partner is happy I wouldn't offer advice, talk badly about his wife to anyone and instead just say that I support his decision to do whatever it is he wants to do.

I hope that helps 🙂