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Couldn't be more alone.

SweetAmara
Community Member

I don't even know how to start this but anyway...

I have severe general anxiety, social anxiety and depression. I struggle to make friends and I am the person out of my friends that typically tries the hardest to catch up with people. Nobody really sees each other unless I organise something. I do understand that everybody has jobs and lives they're desperately trying to organise; but I genuinely feel forgotten. When I organise to catch up I am often left down. I organised a dinner party with a group of people I went to school with, nobody showed up, I was left sitting in a restaurant alone. I feel worthless and unwanted. I struggle to make friends in general so just starting over doesn't seem like an option. Many of the people I met during high school have ceased speaking to me, I do understand that that's normal, but at the same time it's beginning to feel like it's because nobody wants me.

My boyfriend lives overseas so it makes those feelings of loneliness more acute. He does do things with me when he can but he also has a very hectic job and is studying himself. While I work all week and come home to basically sit alone all weekend. I am even in a wedding but the bride doesn't want me to contribute anything to help. No matter how I advance in my career or other factors of my life, this is always what I experience, never really belonging anywhere. I've lost all faith in it ever getting better. I spent my primary schools years isolated, my teen years and now it seems it'll continue into adulthood. It shatters me. I am a very independent, caring person, I don't need to be around people all the time, I enjoy "me" time; but at this point I don't see any valuing in trying to be who I am or make an effort when loneliness is all I get back.

5 Replies 5

Blue_Jane
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi SweetAmara

Thanks for reaching out. I am now in my mid 30s and also suffer from anxiety. Meeting new people can be scary but in my experience everyone feels a similar way.

I found that finishing school, going to uni, living overseas and working means you are exposed to new people and potentially new friends. I don't think you need to see it is starting over, more an opportunity to have people you know from different aspects of your life. You don't have to become friends straight away but over time relationships can develop. Are there any local community groups you can join? Or a gym or yoga centre? So many people exercise to manage their mental illness and over time you will find that you have things in common, even if it doesn't seem like it at the start.

It sounds like you are being really hard on yourself. There is always someone who makes more effort in organising the catch ups. Don't feel bad about it, instead think of it as a strength - you are organised and like seeing your friends.

Sounds like it is time to do something for yourself. What about using some of your spare time to volunteer? I am sure that many places would love to work with someone as independent and caring as you.

Let me know how you get on.

Blue Jane

Hi BlueJane,

Thank you for your message!

I find it near impossible to really put myself out there at all. Even with my job, my friend referred it to me, so I more took it out of obligation. I struggle being around people a lot. I feel paranoid about people being angry with me or disliking me. I am feeling this way towards my boss right now. It's hard because the minute somebody says something even slightly negative, I completely withdraw and no longer want to associate with them, I feel hated. This resulted in a severe panic attack on Friday because I didn't want to return to work ever again after an uncomfortable discussion with the librarian. I couldn't breathe and was choking. My boyfriend was scared that I would pass out. It completely throws me off kilter. I am emotionally burnt out and depressed as a result.

I'd like to be more free-spirited. Do things without living in this paralysis of constant fear. Things that I enjoy and regardless of whether I'll be alone or not. But I feel so stressed all the time that I feel sick. I feel incapable of carrying out social interactions without a middle man (as dumb as it sounds.) This is despite me still doing things like going to the shops or filling my car alone. I have hot and cold sweats all day and I find it hard to eat. I see a psychologist but any kind of social interaction causes me to have an emotional break down. It's very disheartening because I have been through a lot to try to get support; but yet nothing I do helps.

It's severely impacting my relationship with my boyfriend. He is at a loss as to how to support me. I feel trapped inside my own body and I can't ever see a way out. That paired with the loneliness is unbearable.

Hi SweetAmara

Gosh sounds like you are going through a really bad time.

One thing that strikes me is that you are very self aware. This is a really positive trait as you are aware of your impact on others - maybe too much! I want to say stop worrying so much about others as often they are not thinking as much as we think they are about us - but I know that the worrying is a big part of being anxious and it is hard to stop.

Is it time to go back to your GP and let them know how you are going? What about your psychologist - is seeing them helping? As you say you are good at reaching out, we just have to find you the right next step!

Your boyfriend sounds lovely...maybe he can come along to the GP apt too? I know you said he is overseas but sounds like he could be here at the moment? There are some resources on the Beyond Blue site for people like your boyfriend to better understand what you are going through...let me know if you can't see the resources and I will send a few links.

Blue Jane

Hi Blue Jane,

Thanks for another message! 🙂

Yeah, I am, I ended up in a minor car accident on the way to work today which made things even more stressful. I am a casual worker so I lost a significant pay day and as much as my boss was understanding; I was just beside myself.

Thank you, I do try to limit my focus on others, but I find it incredibly hard to tune out. If I could find a way to combat that, I think I would be a lot happier, I just often feel like I have to be "on guard" as it were.

I am struggling with my doctor at the moment. Last I saw him, I asked him to write a letter of support for me, that I could present to the university. He laughed as he re-read it aloud and said, "You have no hope." It really hurt, but given that he's my family's doctor and that I find it hard to do things alone I have just started avoiding him. I do like my psychologist, but I only get to see her every 3 weeks or so because she's so busy, I'd also really like to know her diagnosis but I have never been sure how to broach the subject?

Thank you so much. My boyfriend is lovely and I know he has done more than his fair share. He's honestly taken over so many things that I feel incapable of dealing with. I hate myself for that and want to get to a stage where I can manage it myself. But even with uni, I asked for a support person, they ignored it and just gave me 10 minutes extra on exams (I am an online student.) He isn't here currently but he's trying everything to help.

What I am trying to do right now is get things together so I can go visit my boyfriend later this year. Which means I need to be in a better head space emotionally, I need to have uni finished, I need to adjust to my new job, I need to take back responsibility of things and have more of a social life etc. all so I can enjoy the benefits of going to see him in Florida. Seems overwhelming right now though.

Thank you for reminding me about the resources on the site. I will definitely share those with him!

JessF
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello SweetAmara, anxiety and depression have a terrible way of rewriting the scripts in our minds that we use to explain things. Every occurrence can get spun into a negative if we're not careful.

Your doctor, for example. You asked for a letter of support and this was given, but he made a comment after doing it that you found upsetting. Is it possible that he was trying to make light of the situation and cheer you up with this comment? I know when I am asked for help to volunteer at something by a work colleafgue, and sometimes even friends, I will make light of it by saying "Oh you must be desperate!". It's a joke at MY expense, not a dig at the other person. Probably not the best joke for your doctor to be making given your situation, but cutting off an avenue of support because of one ill-thought out comment... is that the best option for you right now?