Complicated grief

[Guest_322]

Hi,

So an abusive grandparent passed away about 5 years ago. To this day, I still have mixed feelings about her passing.

Most days, I try not to think about her passing. In fact, most days, I try not to think about her at all. Nonetheless, she's often at the back of my mind.

When she was around, I used to write a lot. I lived in my own head. Imagination was my escape.

But when she passed away, something inside me died too. I stopped writing, and I barely engage in any sort of creative writing these days. I'm fine with uni assessments and stuff like that but I don't really write creatively if that makes any sense.

It feels weird but it feels as though I've lost some of my ability to imagine and create, which I'm sad about, and the turning point was her passing.

Most days I feel okay- as in I have somewhat accepted- my past and her passing. But some days, like last night, I suddenly felt like I was 5 again, and just wanted to crawl into a ball and cry.

And the hardest part is sometimes I think that I'm doing okay but then it sort of all starts hurting again (and I often can't pinpoint the trigger). And I remember.

Dottie x

[Guest_322]

Hi Wednesday,

Thank you for all the love that you have gifted me on this thread.

I sort of confuse myself. I feel like both a child and a (much older) adult. Child in the sense of vulnerable and an older adult in the sense of heavy hearted. This grandma stuff does my head in at times.

Yeah, therapy was hard work. Definitely not like in the movies where a psych sits there asking "tell me how that makes you feel" ha, ha.

I know that a huge part of the reason that I'm reluctant to go back to psych sessions is it will mean revisiting it all. Kind of like opening a can of worms. Yes, the psych student who is avoiding her own psych (let's all appreciate the irony).

Thanks again Wednesday.

Dottie x

[White_Rose]

Hello Dottie

Therapy should be hard work. If it was easy there would be no point in going as you could do it all by yourself. I suspect if you went back to your therapist you would not be revisiting the past particularly. You did the hard yards earlier and I hope came to some sort of resolution about it all. Returning now is not an admission of defeat (or de toes) but more on the lines of a check up. Every couple of years I have to go back to the podiatrist to get measured for new orthotics, simply because the old ones wear out. I could simply get a new pair identical to those that have just worn out. Instead the podiatrist checks my feet etc to make sure I have not developed a new problem. So far so good.

A check up with the psych is the same. Take your temperature, check the blood pressure, look in the throat and listen to your chest. Anything not as good as before needs to be tweaked and off you go again. If you leave it for a few months you will either get used to living as you are now or you will become increasingly anxious about yourself. Go and get it over and done with.

If I had a dollar every time I felt like a child I am certain I would be incredibly rich. I have no idea if this means we missed out on something or somethings as children, or just that we feel lost and vulnerable at various times which reminds us of being a child. More so when our childhood was lonely, painful or uncomfortable and made us feel afraid. No one wants to go back there.

I had not realised you are a psychology student. I am impressed. How far have you got? Do you intend to be a clinical psychologist? I believe you will be an excellent psychologist because of the empathy you demonstrate on BB. Great stuff.

Keep up the fight.

Mary

[Guest_322]

Hi Mary,

Thank you so much for your ongoing support. You're very kind.

I still might just wait and see how things go over the next couple of months before I make a decision about seeing my psych again. Although you do have a point about it being like a checkup of sorts.

Thank you Mary, I appreciate the vote of confidence 😊 I'm in my 2nd year of a 5 year double degree (Commerce/Psych) so I've another 3 years to go. Clinical psych is extremely competitive so it's very difficult to get into. I'll see how things go. First things first is making sure that I keep the honours embedded in my psych stream, which causes me enough stress as it is ha, ha 😂

Thanks again,

Dottie x

[Doolhof]

Hi Dottie,

I've just stumbled upon your thread. Sorry to read you are having a tough time right now.

Grief is a weird thing isn't it! I can be cruising along quite nicely, when suddenly "wham" there it is again!

People tell me that tears are healing, so let them flow.

You mentioned you are not sure how you managed to get onto family issues, that your main issues were Uni and study.

It may be that as you read other people's posts and respond to them, your mind is triggered and thoughts you had tried to ignore or bury are brought to the surface.

Some people feel other people's hurts and pains more.

Hopefully sharing how you are feeling is helping. This is certainly a very safe, understanding and caring place to do that.

Wishing you a peaceful day, from Mrs. Dools

[Guest_322]

Thank you Mrs Dools.,

You're very right. I completely agree with you that grief hits when you least expect. Tears defintely serve a role: a release. I know you can empathise from your own losses (again, I'm very sorry about them).

Yeah, my threads started light(ish) then gradually got heavier (or a couple of them anyway). I think it was a combination of things...seeing bits and pieces of myself in other people's threads, a tendency to repress and compartmentalise my own feelings (childhood coping mechanism that I still use to this day) and suddenly realising "oh wait, I can talk here?"

I think a large part was a feeling of safety and understanding- I owe a lot specifically to Dizzy and Cornstarch plus many, many, many others for that.

Thank you, I'm not doing too badly today mostly because I caught up on all my biopsych and stats lectures so I'm rather pleased about that ha, ha😊

Dottie x

[Wednesday]

Hey Dottie,

You can do this, hang in there. Baby steps work too.

You're not alone, be very kind to yourself. Sometimes just seeing the child you were in that situation as an adult gives you additional insight. We are here for you.

Hugs, xx

[Guest_322]

Aw Wednesday,

Thank you so much for checking in on me 😊 I'm absolutely overwhelmed by everyone's support.

Dottie x

[Doolhof]

HI Dottie and Everyone,

The support that is shared here is very encouraging. It is wonderful people give of their time and energy to reach out to others.

Some times when the BLUES hit us, we can feel like no one cares and no one would want to be burdened by our problems and issues.

On this forum and in this community, people do care. Some times we all need some TLC so it is fantastic that the help and kind words go both ways.

Wishing you well Dottie, and same for everyone reading this.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Guest_322]

Hi Mrs. Dools,

What a wonderful post!

Yeah, I agree that there is definitely great support and reciprocity here.

Thank you!

Dottie x

[Wednesday]

Hi Dottie,

How are you, the tears and stats going?

Hugs, x