Complex Situation with my family

[Mr_E]

1. I have obscured detail to protect the innocent and cause no harm.
2. I would like advice, different perspectives, and help.
3. I have support of my closest friend, who thinks the same as me. Good support, but a similar perspective.

The situation:
Several years ago, my sister In-law married a man who is a convicted child molester. At the time, my wife and I disowned and disconnected with them, it was a tough decision as my wife and her sister were extremely close but with children of our own we felt it was the best option. After a few years, my sister in-law had a child with this man. After a few more years my sister in-law was diagnosed with a rare genetic condition and given 12 months to live, at this time my wife reconnected with her sister. We agreed that our children would never set foot in their house, and if the sister in-law wanted to meet at our house, we would support that so that we could spend what little time we had together. Recently my sister in-law died, leaving everyone understandably devastated, and one of her wishes was that my wife remains close to her child. This means we now need to interact directly with the convicted child molester.

Our children still will not set foot in his house, but now he will drop their child at our house, this disgusts me. He makes my blood boil, I do not want him anywhere near my family, including my wife. I do not trust this man at all, and I have no reason to believe he won’t reoffend. I cannot talk to my wife about this yet, as the pain of recently losing her sister is still too much. Ultimately, I am concerned for their child as well, but I have only spent a handful of hours with the child.

How do I move forward?
I fear that the on-going interaction with my wife and this man will result in her letting her guard down. I do not want my family to interact with him. I love my Wife so much and I do not want this to break us apart. She has already helped look after the child several times, sometimes at their house and sometimes the child has come to our house. It's driving me insane; I am repulsed on so many levels - but I understand why she needs to do it.

To help understand my perspective, I lost a close friend after they were a victim of child molestation - To me, this is the worst crime anyone can commit.

I feel like there is no way out of this situation.

Could we get custody of the child (is that even possible?).

Should I try convince my wife to completely disconnect?

I need some help.

[Guest909]

Hi Summer

You seem to be conflating "pedophilia" with "child sexual abuse". They are two different things. Pedophilia is a psychiatric disorder; child sexual abuse is a sex crime, and a serious moral wrong. There is a difference in treatment and recovery. Just to add to the confusion, not all pedophiles are molesters, and not all molesters are pedophiles.

Best to leave it to the experts!

Cheers

[Sweesoft]

Very well said. Not all pedophiles act on what they feel.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sweesoft

I agree not all pedophiles act on thier thoughts. What I am saying is that I would never take the chance by allowing a known pedophile or child molester near my children.

You're correct in saying they are not necessarily one and the same. Yes, for many people in the media etc, including myself, the terms have become synonymous.

The thing is, in the context of helping and supporting Mr E, I'm not willing to give a convicted child molester the benefit of the doubt. Not when you consider the irreversible, significant, life changing harm that can be done to a child. Not when you consider that Mr E has both the power and opportunity to protect his children.

Kind thoughts to you

[geoff]

Hi Mr Paul, understand what you are saying, however, kids talk, parents do amongst themselves, that's how someone in the school learns, word and mouth, rumours spread because most people like to hear gossip, the trouble is that the truth is distorted from one message to the first person and then what's told to the umpteenth person.

People go investigating, won't be told but it doesn't stop the gossip and innuendos suggested, whether this is right or wrong is debatable.

As a parent, all we would be doing is protecting our kids to keep them safe, as we're unsure of the circumstances.

Geoff.

[Guest909]

If anyone is interested, google "Misperceptions about child sex offenders". This is an paper from the "Australian Institute of Criminology", dated 2020. An interesting read for anyone that wants to look past the hysteria.

Here is a brief summary of the paper:

• Misperception 1: All child sex offenders are pedophiles - False
• Misperception 2: Child sex offenders target strangers - Mostly false. Children are usually abused by someone they know.
• Misperception 4: Child sex offenders have high rates of recidivism - Mostly false. A specific subset—those who target extrafamilial male children—do frequently reoffend

Mr. E

You will no doubt do what is best for your family. However, in the process, be mindful of the facts, and consider the best interests of the other child.

Idle gossip serves no purpose other than to inflame a bad situation. If you have concerns, talk to the police.

Cheers