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What does this mean , wth is wrong with me, is anyone else like this ? l need so much space.

Guest_1584
Community Member

Hi bb .

Really hoping for some insight and feedback here because l can't afford to see someone.

My partner is down again from her city , been down a few wks now and can stay indefinitely right now as she's had legal business up home but it looks like that could be done for at least this yr now.

We've always lived really well together she's easy to be around , does nothing to make me the way l am no one ever has really although my ex w def' use to get a bit much which also made me head for solitude but at least there was a reason . Thing is , with my partner bow , friends or people around , even my daughter , l just become in desperate need alone time after awhile. lt doresn't matter who it is or how much l enjoy them around , l can only take so much of it but then l just have to get away for some time to myself.

My partner doesn't understand how l'm like this or why and she does nothing to bring it on , being around anyone after a certain amount of time just does and if l don go off and hide out alone for awhile l just gt exhausted and in filthy moods.. l'm talking daily. Even her or say my daughter who is the easiest person you'd get to be around , and she likes her space too , yet even with her.

l mean l'm a fun person and do love some fun and social time , but then ok , l've had enough now l have to go. With my partner if we're both around all day night which l work at home and she only works pt so that's quite often. l'll need a few hours to myself before she gets up , then a few more later in the afternoon and even after that l like if l can get it an hour or so before l go to bed , just alone time. Because although we do sleep beautifully together , l just don't feel like being ion bed bside someone all night without another bit of a break first.

l'm bloody weird , l've always been like this but it is a bit worse now as l'm older and since divorce l've either lived alone or spent a lot of time alone, Wth can't l cope and just enjoy relationships and being with special people like everyone else. My gf can be around me 24 7 , so could my ex w , so can my daughter , wth is wrong with me,

Any feed back appreciated . rx

157 Replies 157

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi rx

I get it. I need alone time too. With the restrictions we have in Melbourne my kids are home all day and then Sunday I see M and feel like I'm going crazy at times. I just want a day to myself. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I'm a big thinker/overthinker. My mind is always busy and noisy so I need downtime too. No noise, no people around, no talking. It helps clear my mind. Sometimes on a Sunday I sort of look forward to when M has to go so I can have my own time.

I think it's just how we are. Need space to clear the head and not have to talk or be answerable to anyone. Maybe have a chat with the gf and try to explain. Hopefully she is understanding.

Cmf x

tranzcrybe
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi rx,

What makes you think there is anything wrong with you? Having your own space is essential to any healthy relationship and the frequency should be as varied as you feel necessary. Some couples can even live together but still maintain almost complete independence - I think this is important to identify and acknowledge with the increasing years.

Perhaps you feel exhausted from being too receptive when in company, being switched on 'high performance' can be draining. Could you see a way to be in your own mind/space while still in the presence of others? Being able to detach from those around you for short breaks may be a learned experience (and can also be habit forming!). I guess it depends on how comfortable you are to do it. For example, I can always nod off in a chair with familiar people but never with visitors - just feels wrong and impolite (but know of others that can do that at the drop of a hat).

The opposite end of the spectrum is those who share every waking moment together - very easy to cause rankles and a feeling of being trapped and inhibited (even in the most loving of relationships) from one or, strangely, both (being unable to express their feelings from fear of creating a rift).

Accepting individual needs for solitude rests with the sentiments of the other.

Hope this makes some sense.

Regards,

t.

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi rx

I'd really like to understand it because it's pretty confusing to me too. But I find intimate relationships confusing lol.

We ARE all different and I think the spectrum of "normal" in relationships is singular and negotiated too.

But some things can't be negotiated. There isn't a "compromise" to many things. It's either black or white.

I think this is one of those things that no compromise can be arrived at.

That sounds like a LOT of hours you'd rather be alone and finding it hard sleeping together all night too makes me want to ask if you're really "into" your gf? I'm sure she's asked this already.

Sorry if she has.

EM

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi rx

Personally, I don't think your desire for alone time is weird. I love time on my own, for a variety of reasons. Wondering if you can relate to any of the following

  • I find it easy to relax or wind down on my own after interacting with others. Because it's so easy, I enjoy it (my own company)
  • I absolute love to sit in wonder. Give me a topic and I can go off and sit on my own, wondering about that topic for hours, if it's of interest to me. I'll research it on my laptop, meditate on it (inviting natural inspiration) and basically sit in a state of fascination. Sometimes people will distract me from this state I love. I try to find a healthy balance of my own company and the company of others. I do enjoy inviting others to wonder too. I enjoy watching the expression on someone's face when they reach some mind altering revelation
  • Certain people have a tendency to bring me down. I can only be around them for so long before I begin to feel impacted. I'm not talking about a sad sort of down others can be feeling, it's more so something like folk just wanting to vibe in front of the tv all the time. If I'm in an excited mood, I can begin to feel my mood shift into unexcited or frustrated. I'm a sensitive sort of gal. I try to manage my vibe in conscious ways if I can help it. Wondering if you are pretty sensitive to other people's moods, if you feel impacted by them, enough to actually feel the need to detach for a while
  • I can relate to what tranzcrybe mentions about being in high performance mode and the need for a bit of a break from feeling a bit exhausted

The list goes on.

Might take a bit of detective work when it comes to understanding why you naturally feel the need to have a break from folk. Do you ever take notice of the small details before you have a break? Do you feel tired, drained, bored, agitated, down? What about afterwards, when you're in your own company? Do you suddenly feel peaceful/relaxed, analytical (wonderful), daydreamy, happy for your own company etc? Strange question but how does your body naturally feel? How does your nervous system feel (relaxed or hyperactive)? Maybe the time out thing could even involve naturally maintaining your mind, body and natural self. It's what keeps you in a healthy balance. Everyone's different.

Sometimes it's worth relabeling a behaviour from 'weird' to 'interesting'. 'Interesting' opens our mind to many fascinating possibilities.

🙂

Hi all , and man l am so relieved to hear some thoughts on all this , it's been a problem for mee my whole life but far moreso these days.

Just to therising first up and thanks for that too btw . Yep l've always been extremely sensitive to other people around me and have always seen and noticed things that just go straight past anyone else. l even watch that happening sometimes in disbelief . l'm not about being actually overboard though in the other way of sort of staying so switched on to people that that's what wares me out , l tune in and out pretty easily.

As far as feelings l get , hell yeah pretty hard to avoid well well aware of them all always have been. But put simply , people exhaustion pretty well rounds it off. l'm sick of everything. l don't wanna talk anymore l don't wanna be bugged anymore spoken to anymore l don't even wanna see you anymore, no matter how much l love ya , please just go away and leave me be for a few hours.Days even , and during periods alone after divorce , weeks , all the time. With the exception of my daughter being over but apart from her at times.

The time out is recharge time, me time, answer to no one do whatever l want time , peace and quiet time , thinking time , all along those kind of lines.

l am also a thinker , like cm , and yourself. l can think 54 7 , at twice the speed and tolerance of most l've noticed and even actually choose to dream and of what l choose , all night , for weeks if l want. Although l usually don't like dreaming l have lived that quite a few times while l've lived alone , for mths at time sometimes , a kind of matrix world all my own haha. l don't do it much these days mainly bc l just can't be bothered .

rx

Hiya cm.

thanks for the thoughts , are you always like that even when not in lockdown , kids and all, or?

l certainly get the just needing the downtime and to not talk. l'm a weird talker l can talk a lot when l'm in the mood sometimes if l really get along with someone but later l'll be talked out and it's ok , l've had enough and l'll need to just stop , or leave . l always think about that when you talk about M bc he can be around people 24 7 , which is my worst nightmare but strange how other people can be just looking for more even after 24 7. lt amazes me.

Hiya em and thanks for the thoughts . Good luck with understanding it though l still don't know why it effects me so much looking at other people and how it just doesn't for most. But yeah very much into gf we get along very well , which has always made my need even more confusing. She doesn't understand it either only gets that for some reason l need it so she does her best to oblige . l take it with all those kids you wouldn't know what your own time and space felt like l guess and probably don't need that anyway huh. But yeah , everyones different although l could say there is an average or norm too with people and l haven't known or seen many that need my kind of time. lt is a lot of alone time l need for sure l know but nah , love sleeping with my gf , can't wait usually , just like some downtime first if we've been around each other all night but l realize even that probably doesn't make sense to many.

rx

Hello RX, there is nothing wrong with 'alone time', imagine yourself trying to read
the newspaper on a particular article that you're interested in, but you can't
concentrate because someone is asking you questions or just talking to you, that becomes annoying, simply because you want some 'me' time.

It’s essential to make sure you take care of yourself and that may mean stepping
away from it all to spend some time on your own and this could well be before or after bedtime.

If the person you're living with is reading a book in bed, I'm sure they won't appreciate being interrupted, so they want some free time, it goes both ways, especially if it's for your own health, and that's what's so important.

Take care.

Geoff.

Guest_1584
Community Member

Hi Tranzcrybe , and thanks for the thoughts.

Yeah l don't see anything wrong with couples living however they wanna live either it's their world do do with as they wish and create into whatever suits them. Trick is them both being happy with the same and with no resentment. l've always had a lot of guilt for my alone need , it's always been far more than what they need and you often know they're waiting for you . My brother has a funny one, his gf lives 3 hrs away and just comes up to visit every 2,3 wks , it's even a mth or two sometimes, or he goes down to hers. They live together a few wks then just go home. They've been together 20yrs like that .

l've had the trapped feeling many times through life, l like my freedom. l do love having a partner too it's the life l prefer but l just need my time as well. Married was hard l just needed too much of it and asked myself a million times if l was even married material she needed a lot more together than l did, My partner now although she doesn't actually have this need like me , she actually doesn't mind it either and before long alone gets herself involved in doing something even if it's just tv or stuff round the house. so it works a bit better with her than ex w. But your spot on too it is very very habit forming too once l start having it can't do without it. Thanks for the input appreciated.

Hey Geoff , always nice to hear or see your thoughts around on things and thanks for that. You kind of nailed a big pert of it there for me , it is a taking care of myself thing. lf l don't get it l'll get stressed and into very bad moods through no real fault at all of those around me they haven't done anything it's just a me thing. Although of course there's also the some people that do just get too much but a break for those is a pretty typical need for anyone , mine is different to that but thankfully l also stopped setting myself up into situations with those types yrs and yrs ago too none the less . lf l am gonna end up around one of those these days l always have an exit strategy haha.

Everyday life though yeah you could use the reading a book example because that's what it's like whether it's to just think , or not , or to just be , for awhile. l just seem to need time to read that book at least quadruple the amount of time anyone else needs is the thing.

All thee best mate , rx.

l've wondered if it's just an introvert thing. l've read a bit on it and they often sound very similar in varied ways.

Although l can't stand labels tbh , there's so much of it just thrown around these days especially all over the internet , but for me in our own mental health,it's on the other hand very helpful. Gives us a place to start , knowledge on how to deal with it and an understanding, explanation and so some kind of peace. Like when they finally figured out l was dyslexic, it wasn't know much of or understood when l was in school. Although it's still not undrestood or known much of within everyday people lt at least is in it's field now. lt's also huge to just finally know that it's not that your mad, or dumb , many dyslexics are way above average or extremely talented in certain areas as l am myself in the arts , the knowing and hearing it from experts in their field , finally just gives you a place to fit and to start with. lt also make a huge difference for people that your close to because finally they can understand what happens and how to just allow for it with you.

Well , from what l can understand of introvert , they can still actually be very social and enjoy people a lot , even partying , as l can be myself and use to do , but it also takes a lot out of them and suddenly they're just done and just need to retreat but it's a case of have , it's not just a matter of oh sorry l'm a bit tired. Well this is from what l can understand so far.

l'd love to see someone but it's just not doable atm.Not that l'd expect much could be done but it just might help to know. rx