Comparing parental love

white knight · ‎11-12-2022

I'm guessing it is an old fashioned belief among some mothers that a mothers love is stronger than a fathers love for their child. I can hear my mother now from 3 months after my brother suicided yelling at my father "anyway I'm the mother so I grieve more". Dad just slowly walked out of the house and I noted his tears before he reached the letterbox. Another example is "well I'm the mother, I gave birth to him so my bond is there forever". Meaning you the father has a temporary bond and it can never be as strong. Also as you didnt give birth you are portrayed as the lesser importance of both parents ... and you always will be in some inflated minds.

Most mums value fathers of their kids.

In 1996 faced with the dissolving of our 11 year marriage and being mentally abused for that long, 2 young kids and the mere possibility of losing them in my life it led to my one and only attempt on my life. One week later I left with my fathers (dec) words ringing in my head "better to be a part time dad than no dad at all. He was right.

I was fortunate to have an ex wife that agreed to every 2nd weekend access but in all other ways she was abrasive and unfair. Asking to take our kids to a parent and teacher night was met with "all that is taken care of" access denied. In some ways I felt like a sperm donor. I knew her attitude as I'd listened to her over the years with comments that supported her attitude that fathers are "providers only"..."protectors if needed" and "handy when a cubby needs building".

Most interesting was when our eldest left home at 12yo to live with me (and never left till 21yo), "how dare she leave her mothers home" she cried on the phone. I tried to reason, that it was "our childs choice and I'm as significant as a parent as she is"... then the more pressing matter in her mind "with a child each I suppose child support will stop?". When my eldest reached around 19yo her mother stopped all contact, she simply couldn't live with such rejection. At 26yo I walked my eldest down the aisle and was wondering had I not made it back in 1996 who would walk by my child now? And at that moment my daughter turned to me and said "thanks for making it dad". Ironic.

Dads are equal parents.

BB helpline 1300224636

Dads in Distress 1300 853 437.

Earth Girl · ‎12-12-2022

I'm very sorry you've experienced this. I agree that a father's love is just as strong as a mother's love. It's not the gender of a parent that makes them a good parent, it's how they treat their children. I'm sure you are a really good father and your father probably was too.

I'm confused as to why your oldest said that to you. Did she think that just because for a long time you were only allowed to see her every second weekend that you weren't there for her? In this case, it's not even your fault that you couldn't see her that often - you probably wanted to. Also, she wanted to live with you so it just doesn't really make sense for her to say that as far as I know.

Athenry · ‎26-01-2023

This is all so valid. My husband is such a good parent I’m so glad our kids get to see how good it can be, and hopefully if they choose to have kids they’ll find a loving father.
It sounds like you are a great parent too, despite what you went through.

white knight · ‎26-01-2023

Hi Earth Girl

Her comment walking down the aisle ""thanks for making it dad". meant- I'm happy you didnt succeed in your attempt so many years ago. See, at 15yo she nursed me when I was a blithering mess. She knew everything. She was amazing.

TonyWK

white knight · ‎26-01-2023

Hi, Athenry

It was in 1996 my first marriage fell apart, all the warning signs were there the first year. It was also pre diagnosis of any mental health issue except anxiety. So being unmedicated, working 3 jobs so she could stay at home and treated poorly by a narcissistic wife...it all peaked.

I've since been confident I'd never return to that mental state, a very scary period indeed, hence my empathy for many that attend here going through similar. Yes dads are good, dads love their kids and I firmly believe dads and mums love for their kids should not be compared or pitted against each gender.

Sometimes the love of a parent is never tested until there's a safety crisis.

TonyWK

quirkywords · ‎26-01-2023

Tony

I look at my children and theurcrelationshipscand they equally love my grandchildren but have different styles.
My ex was absent from his childrens upbringing so I’d great to see even if there is nit a role model adults can learn how to parent and love.n

white knight · ‎01-02-2023

Hi Quirky

My MIL passed in 2021. She had a foster son now 20yo but had him since 3yo (autistic). So when she passed even though he is living back with his mother, we have him here every few months for a weekend. He loves my train set and slot car set.

Hence I'm a bit of a father figure but mates at the same time. Life is so much better when you can be a mentor to a young person.

TonyWK