Closure through meeting with ex?

[Guest_598]

Hi there,

my partner, who separated from his wife ten months ago, is still carrying around a lot of anger and resentment for his wife. To move past this and progress through the grief, he has decided that he needs to meet and talk with her. She lives in a different state but is going to come to meet with him for two days this weekend. He has been very open and honest about it with me. He said, he is uncomfortable and worried because he is concerned that he will get angry and flip out (which would not help working through the anger effectively) and he wants to set boundaries.

I think it sounds good and healthy, although there is a bit of fear that he may become nostalgic or she may try to remind them of all the great things only. He said that the last time he met her, he did not feel any longing and did not feel attracted to her either. I hope it stays that way, we are very good with each other. We constantly laugh and I know he cares about me. So I am hoping that he will progress as he is planning but I am worried about whether two days is a bit long. Usually, you would meet up with someone, chat and part ways. But she will be there for two ways, what if it turns badly? Wouldn't that be counterproductive? Or what if she gives him a feeling of normality because she visits him in their marital home.

I am scared that he may get more confused or that he may become too nostalgic and give in to a ghost of a relationship that does not really exist anymore. Do you have any experience of spending that long together to find closure or at least the ability to move on and clear the air? I don't know what to expect after those two days. We will meet and talk but I am scared about the outcome. The signs look like he doesn't see going back as an option but I also don't want him to get stuck even more than he already says he is.

[Guest_598]

Hello Tim,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write. I am very heartbroken. At the moment, this is not really on hold. It is over because he cannot promise me anything and has no clue what will happen. I have a feeling that he is quite depressed at the moment and so his capacity to make decisions or think straight is non-existent. I cannot possibly imagine he would ever develop feelings for his wife again because he sounded very clear when he said that he doesn't love her and does not feel attracted to her physically. Plus all the extreme anger. He is seeing a psych every week but the one with his wife will only happen in about 8 weeks.

I am currently away for 2 weeks and I have decided not to have contact with him. I love him very much and we parted very warmly and with a lot of tears. But I cannot be in touch with him right now because my heart is breaking every day. I asked him to let me know immediately if he ever feels that he has been able to move on and truly wants to commit because I would love to give us another chance. But I feel that even if he moves on in the next few months and can finally let go of his ex-relationship grief and anger, he would see us as finished because it may be too late in his eyes. I would find that terrible because I would love to be with him and have a life together. It also hurts me not to be in touch. He reached out three times on the day I flew out. I responded to the first message thanking him for his wishes and wishing him a few good weeks. Then, when he got in touch another two times, I did not respond because I cannot go hot and cold. He had just told me it has to be over for now and then he got in touch more than the weeks before. It was incredibly confusing and I cannot build false hope again every time he writes and I write back. I feel I need to fall out of love considering he just told me that he has no idea what the future will bring and that we cannot be together. If he says he doesn't want to make promises he cannot keep, then I guess that means I have to consider us over. But I am so distraught. I am with my family at the moment but I wish I was just by myself because I cannot keep up a happy appearance. We were so happy with each other, if only the external circumstances were not so terrible. Can wrong timing ever become better timing later? Is there ever a second chance once we are both ready and free?

[smallwolf]

Hi,

Anything is possible. Unfortunately we don't know what happens in the future so timing is neither good or bad. It sounds like you feel as though feel you are stuck in limbo, with your love life on hold.

There is also a chance you will get a second chance. With no time line for lack of a better word, how long do you want to wait?

Tim

[Alana_H]

Hi AussieGal,

I'm really sorry you have had to go through all this and I think you are showing a lot of strength in this situation by setting clear boundaries with him. It sounds like you were a real support for him during this time and it must be really hard to let him go.

I wonder after giving him all this support how things are for you? What supports might you have for yourself? Its really great you are going on a holiday. Holidays can give us perspective and some time to heal. I wonder if there are things you can do when you get back that might help you? Sometimes if we think about our life like a pie chart, we can think of increasing other parts of our life where we are doing things we like/cause less stress and so reduce the impact of the most stressful thing.

Otherwise enjoy that holiday! Is it somewhere sunny?

Alana_H