Cheating

[Sad2021]

I have been with my husband for 14 years married 8, we have two children 10 & 8. I have just caught him emotionally cheating on my for the 6th time throughout our relationship. The first few times I caught him we were young and it was fresh relationship so I just put it down to being immature (Stupid I know) then I found him texting someone when I was 8 months pregnant with our second child and 2 months away from being married. He said nothing sexual ever happened and it was just texting, I guess we were a family and I didn’t want to be the person to break it up. You see everyone thinks he is amazing, I get told it on a daily basis how lucky am I to have someone like him. I have never told anyone about what I have discovered over and over again, I have always protected his ego. Well we had our second baby and he was a very difficult baby with lots of complications, I know I neglected the relationship but I was trying to survive with this new baby, I lost my sex drive completely and it has never returned I have been to Drs and get the same line every time your a Mum it will come back no one helps. Then a few years ago my husband had an accident and was in hospital for 2 months I went every day, almost neglecting my children this time because I was so worried about him. I nursed him back to health only to find him texting someone again, again I made excuses for him like he had just been through trauma so let it pass. This time I have caught him again but I don’t think I can let it pass, I am so broken that my son asks me everyday if I am better yet or still sick. I feel empty and lost and like I have no purpose in this world. He says he loves me and is begging me to go to therapy with him but I have heard it all before. He says he speaks to them because I am not sexual enough anymore and he misses that. I have also put on a lot of weight and he says that I won’t dress for him or met his needs. I feel like I am getting the blame for all his bad behaviour, we have sex twice a week and it has gotten a little bit routine but when I have no sex drive, I am exhausted looking after the kids and working full time and have trust issues because he always finds someone else what am I meant to do? I know I will get the blame if I end this, I know everyone will say I have up on the relationship and that’s because I can’t tell people what he has done I am not that person to air my dirty laundry but I also can’t be the bad guy in this. I am so so lost, I am so so broken.

[Dadmeister]

I wish I had more answers for you but please hang in there. We have only just finished building our dream house, I have worked my whole life including 3 jobs at once to afford this amazing home but guess what it’s all for nothing once your wife tells you she can’t stand the sight of you.
The happiest time of our married life was when we were poor living in a 1 bedroom cottage with borrowed furniture. At the end of the day, a flashy house means nothing if there is no love inside. I miss my wife’s affection so much and to tell you the truth I am also scared about separating, not for me because I’ll be fine but for her. She hasn’t had a paid job for 20 years and as much as I would do my best to support her, honestly how long can I keep this up once the kids have moved on. It honestly for me just seems easier to keep living under the same roof and suppress any emotions or feelings of affection. What helps for me is looking forward to camping or 4x4 trips with mates. I also encourage my wife to go away for weekends and me and the kids have great bonding time together.

[Sad2021]

I don’t really have any friends left my husband has tried to pick up 3 of them, so I just keep to myself now so I don’t have the heart break of losing another friend.

[smallwolf]

I hope you don't mind if I pop in and say hello...

I read your story and it sounds like your husband continually cheats on you. Each time you have forgiven him. You lost your sex drive, work full time, and look after the kids and be wife. On the most recent occasion he wants to go to therapy. Is that about right?

It sounds like you do most if not all the work for the family.

That saying about a leopard changing their spots... In your situation I would feel a fool that it happened each time and nothing changed. Each instance it occurs shows strengthen that belief he will it again. So the trust issues that you speak of in your post are hard to resolve.

What I am about to say is no justification fro his actions... it sounds like rather than trying to resolve an issue (?) he had and talking it through with you. he looked elsewhere. But I am just guessing here.

Similarly I cannot tell you what to do. (I would also feel confused, hurt, feel betrayed, angry in your position if it happened to me.)

Outside of this forum, have you spoken to anyone about your situation?

This might sound like a dumb question .... what do you want to do (and not what someone might tell you to do)?

Peace and comforting thoughts to you, Tim

[Sad2021]

I know I am a fool to let this go on as long as I have - maybe this is why it has affected me so much was this time. I don’t even want to get out of bed and parent my kids, clean the house, cook, go to work I feel like an idiot.

he won’t change I see that. This has made me see how little self worth I have. I clearly don’t respect myself enough. I also know no one can tell me what do in this situation and no I haven’t spoken to anyone

[Sophie_M]

Dear Sad2021,

It sounds like things are really tough and it's so brave of you to reach out and share how you’re feeling. What you're going through can be overwhelming and we hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk things through. Our community is here for you. 

Are you aware of BeyondBlue's support service? If you feel up to it, we would really encourage you to get in touch with one of our professional counsellors to have a chat.
We can be reached 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or email and Webchat (3pm-12am AEST) through our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
 
It sounds like you're needing some extra emotional support at the moment and talking with a professional can really help.

Warm regards,

 

[white knight]

How abput- one step back, two steps forward?

Moved out into a unit or manageable house in the same neighborhood with affordable rental. Consolidate you and your kids lives. They can stay at the same schools.

There is few other options.
TonyWK