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Cheating

Sad2021
Community Member
I have been with my husband for 14 years married 8, we have two children 10 & 8. I have just caught him emotionally cheating on my for the 6th time throughout our relationship. The first few times I caught him we were young and it was fresh relationship so I just put it down to being immature (Stupid I know) then I found him texting someone when I was 8 months pregnant with our second child and 2 months away from being married. He said nothing sexual ever happened and it was just texting, I guess we were a family and I didn’t want to be the person to break it up. You see everyone thinks he is amazing, I get told it on a daily basis how lucky am I to have someone like him. I have never told anyone about what I have discovered over and over again, I have always protected his ego. Well we had our second baby and he was a very difficult baby with lots of complications, I know I neglected the relationship but I was trying to survive with this new baby, I lost my sex drive completely and it has never returned I have been to Drs and get the same line every time your a Mum it will come back no one helps. Then a few years ago my husband had an accident and was in hospital for 2 months I went every day, almost neglecting my children this time because I was so worried about him. I nursed him back to health only to find him texting someone again, again I made excuses for him like he had just been through trauma so let it pass. This time I have caught him again but I don’t think I can let it pass, I am so broken that my son asks me everyday if I am better yet or still sick. I feel empty and lost and like I have no purpose in this world. He says he loves me and is begging me to go to therapy with him but I have heard it all before. He says he speaks to them because I am not sexual enough anymore and he misses that. I have also put on a lot of weight and he says that I won’t dress for him or met his needs. I feel like I am getting the blame for all his bad behaviour, we have sex twice a week and it has gotten a little bit routine but when I have no sex drive, I am exhausted looking after the kids and working full time and have trust issues because he always finds someone else what am I meant to do? I know I will get the blame if I end this, I know everyone will say I have up on the relationship and that’s because I can’t tell people what he has done I am not that person to air my dirty laundry but I also can’t be the bad guy in this. I am so so lost, I am so so broken.
15 Replies 15

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion
Hi, welcome

Let's deal with other people later.

I must contain my anger towards people like your husband and the reason is sumpke- a lady he loves sacrifices her body shape and risks her health (and often sex drive) to supply him, his little family, some children only to reveal a few years later that the ramifications of same is what now turns him off...or at least doesn't turn him on.

His answer for this is an affair (emotional and/or physical) , doesn't matter it's an affair, and furthermore blames you (gaslighting).

Ok, I've vented, now what do you do?. Well that's a personal decision. With this problem recurring several times your choices are limited. Accept it, means very likely he'll take affairs further or leave. Not many choices. A single woman with children could means not much chance of another relationship for some years.

I think also you are preoccupied with other people's thoughts. These people don't live with him nor tolerate his indiscretion. You don't have to answer their questions but if I was you and I'd split with him, I'd simply say- "I don't trust him and trust is essential foe me" end discussion but thankyou for being understanding."

Repost anytime
TonyWK

I know I need to leave, I know there isn’t trust and never will be again but I also know we just bought a house that I can’t afford on my own. I have done the figures and seen how much child support he would have to pay me and it’s not enough to survive.

The kids love the new house and are the happiest they have been in years, I will break them if we have to move. My son is starting at a new school near our house this year after 3 years of physical bullying and he is happy. I feel like I have to sacrifice myself for them.

I feel my husband knows this too, hence him being all sorry now and not wanting to lose me. It’s the same words every time but actions speak louder than words and his actions don’t match. I can’t even remember a time he has organised a sitter so we could go out as adults. I have always had to sort it out.

Honestly I don’t think he can parent or do life without me as I have just always picked everything up and done it. I don’t want to big note myself but besides the sexual part of our relationship I am a bloody catch, I love and support them to the best of my ability.

I know I have to leave but I don’t think i can for my kids, they don’t know about what their dad has done just that mummy is struggling with her emotions

Hi, touched by your story as I am going through something similar with my wife. First you need to work on your own health and happiness, if you are not well within yourself you can’t be there for your family. As my marriage has been crumbling I reached out and got professional cognitive help from a psych which has really helped. I then confided in a couple of very close friends who were non judgemental and have been there for me. Despite still feeling the pain m, for now I have learned to live in a loveless marriage and get my joy from my children and my friends. As an aside your husband was very lucky with sex being initiated 2 times a week. For us it was lucky if it was monthly even in our good times but I didn’t complain, I just kept being a good husband and dad and tried to understand the hardships my wife was facing as a stay at home mum. Good luck.

Thank you for responding and I am sorry that you are going through something similar. I wish you all the best in the future, you must be an amazing daddy sticking around for them

what I struggle with is my husband has always said that he still wants me and loves me and wants to be with me but continues to play these games. I wish he would almost just make the call that he is in fact unhappy and wants to move on.

Just wanted to say that I have researched everything there is about emotional affairs or emotional cheating. Our marriage counsellor basically shrugged off the emotional affair as my wife did not actually sleep with the guy. Is your husband chatting with strangers or is it just one female friend, you really deserve the answers. I started to understand why my wife gravitated to another man emotionally and it was because we have been going severe mental issues with a daughter of ours and my wife felt we couldn’t comfort each other so she turned to another man which became like an escape from her problems. I instead increased the focus on my daughters illness researching as much as possible and spending as much time as I could at the hospital. Ultimately I may lose my marriage as a result of my obsession with getting my daughter better but for me it was the only way I could process it.

Been a different women that he has ‘picked’ up around town. He says they have never done anything sexual but the text messages that I read are very very sexual and make me sick to be honest. They have also been sending nudes so I don’t think he is turning to them for support.

I know he struggles with our son he has very high needs and complains that I put him first but I almost don’t have a choice he needs assistance he is 8, if he is going to be able to navigate the world on his own when he is older he needs support now. My husband doesn’t have a great relationship with him. So often makes me feel bad for supporting our boy.

Hi again

Re: "The kids love the new house and are the happiest they have been in years, I will break them if we have to move. My son is starting at a new school near our house this year after 3 years of physical bullying and he is happy. I feel like I have to sacrifice myself for them."

I worried so much about my kids losing their full time dad I rang their school daily. Eventually the headmaster said "Tony, childten are more resilient than us adults"!!

If anything, childten learn life lessons through adversity and disappointment.

Anyway I'm glad you have a few responders to get a cross section of ideas.

TonyWK

I agree with Tony about the resilience of the children. My children wanted me and my wife to break up when all they could hear was arguing every night. Since I took a step to calm down and talk to my wife about being civil to one another, the children are more settled. Sure we now live a pretend loveless marriage but my life has never been about me, it’s about my children and family. My wife and I now only speak to one another about matters to do with the children and household, other than that we live separate lives at home and just pretend when we are out. Surprisingly you get used to it.

Totally agree kids are resilient but we only moved into the new house 3 weeks ago, my son is starting a new school and already has ‘problems’. My daughter really struggled with the move and is struggling that her brother won’t be at the same school but also doesn’t want to move schools. My dad is sick and the kids aren’t coping with that.

moving out of our new house into the unknown is going to cause more damage than good right now (I work with kids I get it)

I did the figures I can not afford this place on my own even with child support. Why he didn’t just leave when we sold the old house I have no idea. It’s all a game for him.