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Cheated on

Kit_Kat81
Community Member
I’ve been with my husband for 5 years, we have 2 children together (I have another 2 from previous marriage). I found out my husband was cheating on my for 3 years, he starting cheating on me after our 4 year old was born and before we got married and while I was pregnant with our 9 month old. I have known for a year and I can’t get over it.
12 Replies 12

Betternow
Community Member

Good morning Kit Kat81

I’m not surprised you can’t get over it. Infidelity is right up near the top when it comes to major life shocks. It rocks your foundations, robs you of self esteem and self confidence. You have every right to feel angry, hurt and disappointed.

You write that you have known of husbands unfaithfulness for 12 months. Have you discussed it with your husband or have you been sitting on the information?

The best outcome would be to discuss it with your husband, receive an authentic apology and a promise to never repeat his poor behaviour. Even if he were to do that, that still leaves you with a trust deficit. In my experience it is the ongoing lack of trust that becomes the long term problem.

His behaviour is so terrible that I’m reluctant to recommend couples counselling. I think you deserve individual counselling for just you. Your sense of purpose and self esteem must have taken an awful hit and you probably need professional assistance to rebuild your strength.

There are various church organisations that offer counselling for a low fee or you can ring the BEYOND BLUE help lines to gather more information.

Remember, you are alone in these pages and many have been where you now are. You will survive this and please return to this page if you need support.

Good luck Kit Kat

Hi Betternow

He knows I know, he tried to deny it even when I had proof, he eventually admitted it even though I knew anyway. He said he was sorry but I don’t believe him.

how can someone cheat for 3 years, I just don’t understand that, maybe if he had a 1 night stand and then was so sorry about it and told me maybe I would feel differently, but 3 years and then still denied it when I had proof is a bit of a hard pill to swallow.

I am definitely going to know personal counselling. I feel like I will never get past these feelings

Matchy69
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi kit kat81,i to was cheated on by my wife who cheated on with a friend of mine.This happen about 10 years ago and still effects me today.I was really in a mess when i found out and i could not handle it at all.I moved out and am now divorced but the pain will allways be there.I did start seeing a psychologist and talking to her which helped a bit.

Take care,

Mark.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Kit Kat81, and a warm welcome to the forums.

After reading your comment your initial shock must have been of devastation, just like it is for me, I can't understand why anybody would want to marry someone while they are having an affair because if this was known then the marriage wouldn't go ahead.

Marriage is an agreement between two people to share the rest of their lives together, a trust we promise to each other, but as this has been going on for quite a while, your decision is not only paramount for yourself but also for the children.

This commitment has been disrupted and the trust has been violated and now you need to make a choice, not only for you but for the upbringing of the children.

I know this is so disheartening and offer my sympathy and would like to help you through this.

Take care.

Geoff.

Kit_Kat81
Community Member

Hi Geoff

You are 100% correct in what you said if I had known about it the marriage certainly would have not happened. In saying that also I would have never had my 4th and final baby, so I am grateful for that, I couldn’t imagine my life without any of my children. I can definitely see it without my husband though.

No one knows he cheated on me, so he has gotten away with that as well, I won’t tell my family as my mum has Alzheimer’s and I won’t put my family through more heartache and my husband knows that. So I have to pretend that everything is ok, which I hate and my older 2 children who are 13 and 11 know he cheated but I have asked them not to say anything, which is teaching them to lie and hide things.

I have literally no one I can talk to, I’m not in any financial position to uproot my family and move, but he also won’t move out. I honestly don’t know what to do

Hi Mark

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move past this infidelity. I’m between a rock and a hard place though. No one knows he cheated everyone thinks we have this amazing marriage. My parents would be absolutely devastated, I can’t tell them my mum has Alzheimer’s. This is also my 2nd marriage.
I want to leave but I don’t have the resources too. I don’t want to up root my 4 kids, but he also won’t leave.

It’s very hard when everyone think this man has been the best thing since sliced bread, but has cheated on me for half of the time we have been together

Some people do get past their anger and disappointment but I'm betting this is the minority of marriages. As you say, 3 years of actively practicing deception is different to a drunk one night fling (not that I'm endorsing the fling).

I understand your predicament with the four children and lack of financial resources. For this reason I think it is especially important that you seek a trained professional that can advise you of your legal rights. The fathers of the children are legally bound to provide maintenance and any assets in the marriage will be divided according to need. Even if you do not take immediate steps to end the marriage, a discussion with an experienced person will make you feel better because you are starting to take some control over your life.

Hello Kit Kat, thanks so much for getting back to us.

If I can say and mean no harm to you because that's certainly not what I don't want to do, is that pretending nothing is wrong is causing half the problem.

You deservedly love your children and shouldn't have to endure this pain, even though it might not happen every day, that doesn't stop you from thinking about it and reliving the agony.

All kids makeup stories and tell little white lies, but your 13 and 11 year old are probably only doing this to protect you, but they can get help by ringing or going onto the net and google:

-Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 24/7

-Reachout

-Heapspace

-Sane, the first three counsel 5 to 25 year olds by trained people who dress up in casual clothes, which makes it a much more relaxing appearance and please encourage this to happen.

Whether you are renting or buying does make a difference, but your options could be, and one is that Centrelink can provide bond money and two weeks rent for a house/flat, plus you are able to get 'rent assistance', utilities (gas, elec) can be paid off fortnightly and op shops can provide beds, furniture.

Another place where you can get a house with accommodation is Anglicare, they were extremely helpful for when I was in a position and needed help.

Please get back to us, I'm logging off now as I start early in the morning, plus I'm typing with one finger as my other hand has a cast on it, but please we'd love to hear from you.

Geoff.

Kit_Kat81
Community Member

Hi Geoff

I totally agree with you that pretending is definitely not making the situation any better, I know my older 2 are definitely keeping quiet about it to protect me.

I think the kids definitely need to have counselling and I’m going to look into that.

As for the house situation, we are renting, so I know I can get a bond, I have already applied for some houses but get knocked back because I would be a single mum with 4 kids on Centrelink. He won’t leave either, I don’t understand his the one that cheated but he isn’t even man enough to be the one that leaves and let’s me keep the rental.