Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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tiayaya Self-doubt affecting an otherwise perfect relationship
  • replies: 4

Hi, I'm 22, diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Panic Disorder. I have a few issues that I have been trying to work out with my partner of 3 years as I want to be a better person and girlfriend. Because we know that I have dee... View more

Hi, I'm 22, diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Panic Disorder. I have a few issues that I have been trying to work out with my partner of 3 years as I want to be a better person and girlfriend. Because we know that I have deep seated issues with the unknown and 'grey areas' type things, we are very open and talk through anything that might worry us. I've been medicated and going to therapy for 2 years now and I am much better than I used to be - especially in regards to the intensity and frequency of panic attacks. That said, I am still quite an overwhelming person to be with, especially because my self-esteem is (always has been) pretty fragile. I personally am feeling better but about 6 months ago, my partner informed me he was feeling stressed out and overwhelmed himself by his own (family and work) life, and having to act as my carer more often than not was getting to him a bit. Hence why I'm looking to better myself in more practical terms regarding my self-doubt and self-esteem issues. He is seeing a counsellor that seems to believe we're not a healthy, durable relationship. I beg to differ, as we both are committed to the hard work that is dating mentally ill people, for the good and the bad. That said, it has brought up doubts that maybe I doomed this relationship because of my illness. I can't help but feel he's better off without me and I ended up needing constant reassurance. I am drawing out plans to deal with my own issues without putting too much pressure or responsibility on him. I'm finding it super hard to be respectful of his boundaries while in my head I am screaming with self-doubt and a million questions. Even when I'm trying to control my intrusive thoughts and obsessive questioning, I end up NEEDING to ask him 'do you still love me', 'am I still worth it', 'are you sure you wouldn't rather someone else' about 5 times a day (and that's on a good day). How do I get out of this constant need to hear that he loves me, and is committed? My rational self knows that he does but the slight chance that he might not drives me insane. I would want to continue blurting out my insecurities all the time on him, I know that's not fair nor healthy. But I honestly can't help the urge to ask for reassurance, like ALL THE TIME. I proposed that maybe he writes me a short letter of reassurance to keep (my love language is words of reassurance); his counsellor is adamant that it's a bad idea and actually an unhealthy approach.

TJesse Break up, three years on and I am still completely devastated
  • replies: 2

Hello, first time poster. As the title suggests, three years ago I was dumped. I have tired everyday to move on, I cried to my friends, I cried alone (and still do, regularly), I cried to people I shouldn't have reached out too (ex's fiends), I moved... View more

Hello, first time poster. As the title suggests, three years ago I was dumped. I have tired everyday to move on, I cried to my friends, I cried alone (and still do, regularly), I cried to people I shouldn't have reached out too (ex's fiends), I moved (back home), I went away on holidays, I went back to study and back to hobbies that I loved which I had previously stopped. I have even started seeing someone new. It does not matter what I do, I am still devastated. I do not feel like I was dumped. I feel like my soulmate died. I feel like I am in a constant state of mourning and I am now beginning to become simply exhausted. I can't feel like this forever. How long can this possible go on for? What am I doing wrong? Time is supposed to heal but somehow it feels like it is getting even harder. What makes it worse if I can also identify the 'issues' in my last relationship which lead to the breakup. Even though I can identify them it doesn't make it easier or make sense to me. For me it was like a family member - it doesn't matter hat they do wrong you will always forgive them because you love them so deeply. I feel like we should have and would have gotten through anything with time. All relationships are supposed to have ups and downs and you are supposed to work through them and stick by one another. I have had other long term relationships before, this wasn't my first breakup. That's another factor making it even harder. I have been through breakups, I have been sad, but I have moved on. This is different. I truly believe there is no way I could feel this way and this not be 'it'/he not be 'the one'. I still love him so deeply, even after years of being apart and no contact. I would be there for him in a heart beat. I know it is not an option, I believe he moved on soon after the breakup and is happy. Ultimately I love him so much that that is all I want - him to be happy. But how do I go on? I can't be happy and I can't commit to another person. And I am so sick of people telling me it will get better (as I am sure my friends are sick of hearing me talk) after three years with no changes. I can't feel like this anymore.

Lainey29 Lonely and depressed - Newbie
  • replies: 5

I have just joined this community today and this is my first post. Feeling a bit nervous and alone. I've been in Australia for 8 years and built up a great group of friends but over the last year that circle has gradually reduced from people moving a... View more

I have just joined this community today and this is my first post. Feeling a bit nervous and alone. I've been in Australia for 8 years and built up a great group of friends but over the last year that circle has gradually reduced from people moving away to break down of a few close relationships. Now I do not have a social circle and dont go out and if i do (with work functions etc), I just feel out of place. It really hit me last Christmas when I had no-one and spent the whole holiday period by myself. Since then, I can't seem to find my feet in social circles or with friends. My family are overseas and i can't talk to them as i dont want to worry them but i feel so alone all the time. This weekend was a long week end and like every week, i had no plans or anyone to ask to socialise with or chat to. When i try to reach out to people, its always like i am second choice and only an option when they have literally nothing else to do. Someone who i thought was a very good friend until recently, would continually make plans with me only to cancel if she got a better offer. I just dont know how to make things better. I've tried joining groups or trying to reengage with old friends but nothing seems to take. I know I am not alone in feeling like this and taking this step to hopefully have an outlet for support (giving and receiving). Any tips most welcome on how to lift my depression and get over my social anxiety.

45987 Does getting out there more help to improve social skill/make connections
  • replies: 5

For someone who doesn't have any friends, and has poor social skills, would the best way to improve this be to just get out there and not worry about being rejected, and even if you are rejected just keep trying in different situations/with different... View more

For someone who doesn't have any friends, and has poor social skills, would the best way to improve this be to just get out there and not worry about being rejected, and even if you are rejected just keep trying in different situations/with different people? I'm thinking of trying this by joining a sports team, and just being more proactive in general with asking people if they want to hang out/study and going to social events. I also spoke to a counselor who recommended CBT, which I'll probably look into more. Anyone with any uplifting stories where doing stuff like this worked for them. Honestly, I think I already know that with a lot of perseverance it probably will work as I experienced something like that happen in high-school, (although the person I eventually got close to after 6 months of trying had just fallen out with their old friends...) Thanks everyone

Guest_341 So so lonely 😢 feel unloved💔
  • replies: 49

Feeling so incredibly unloved I have a big issue with my self esteem.....I look attractive in the mirror but at the same time I hate what I see. ...am I really ugly or could I possibly be attractive So sorry for posting about such a minor issue Love ... View more

Feeling so incredibly unloved I have a big issue with my self esteem.....I look attractive in the mirror but at the same time I hate what I see. ...am I really ugly or could I possibly be attractive So sorry for posting about such a minor issue Love Julie ❤

Gordomax New on here no family support
  • replies: 4

Hi There, I am new on here and I thought I would reach out as thought this couldn't hurt as with havi g no family support.My family and I moved to Qld a year and a half ago from Auckland.We had lived there for over 10 years and I was very happy there... View more

Hi There, I am new on here and I thought I would reach out as thought this couldn't hurt as with havi g no family support.My family and I moved to Qld a year and a half ago from Auckland.We had lived there for over 10 years and I was very happy there.We came back as my Dad was very sick with Alzheimer's . I wanted to spend time with him before he deteriorated further.Despite the illness we were very close. He went downhill very quick and he past away on March.My mum is very controlling and always has been since I was little. She is in the medical industry and high up and runs her clinic.Despite being retired and only working one day a week.She doesn't know how to switch off with her control. She refuses to accept that she is wrong and that she is perfect and nothing she does is wrong.After I lost my Dad she went full steam ahead with funeral planning.She wanted to check my eulogy and everything from funeral planning had to be under her terms.I spent the last week in hospital watching him die.No one else in family could handle seeing him like that.As I am married to a Polynesian man and family and closeness means alot to them.I didn't want him to die alone.Shortly after the funeral due to the terrible emotional abuse of my mum.I had a breakdown and was admitted to psychiatric hospital.Now that my father is gone I would love to move back to nz as soon as I'm able too.As having no family support don't see the point of being back here.My sister has just moved back from overseas but we aren't close and she always sides with my mum.My husband says I should move on from my Dad as he has passed away.But my heart is broken and the closest family member has left me.So the struggle is trying to move on.So all I have is living with the memories of him.

UnknownFurby Should I change my name?
  • replies: 2

I have my father last name but for a while I have felt disconnected from here, I live with my mother and only see him on special occasions , i am trying to reconnect with him by asking him to save up patrol money and come over and visit at lease once... View more

I have my father last name but for a while I have felt disconnected from here, I live with my mother and only see him on special occasions , i am trying to reconnect with him by asking him to save up patrol money and come over and visit at lease once a month. I decided to give him 2 months to respond.So if he doesn't resond in 2 months i wanted to change my last name to my mother's, do you think this sound silly or anything??

Ruby__2 Tired of being strong for everyone
  • replies: 9

Well,what a year!My husband of 32yrs came out to me whilst in psychiatric care-it was dramatic to say the least, of the circumstances that led me to have him scheduled for safety. We were adjusting and decided to separate.We still live in the same ho... View more

Well,what a year!My husband of 32yrs came out to me whilst in psychiatric care-it was dramatic to say the least, of the circumstances that led me to have him scheduled for safety. We were adjusting and decided to separate.We still live in the same house for financial reasons. I was starting to move on but this week have found out he has lung cancer.I have just started employment after 18yrs .My employers have been fantastic and have allowed me to take leave to support him.I have been assured my job is safe. I already see a psychologist. But my anxiety has increased and I feel I'm trying to be everything to everyone. We have yet to tell our adult daughters of this new development. I need support,but don't want to impose. My best friend is o/s on a trip of a lifetime, so I can't contact her.I don't know if she would understand my decision to stay and support my husband. How do I keep it all together?I still love him,but feel there is more pain ahead. I'm good at giving advice and am a good listener. I just don't know how to be proactive for myself. Any advice or anecdotes greatly received. I am over seeking Drs advice-be strong,suck it up etc. There's more to this story but I suppose I just needed to vent.I want to be able to deal with things as an adult(56),but I am spent. If anyone can help,thanks Ruby 2

jumpingjoy Concerned about my boyfriend’s female friend
  • replies: 4

Is it alright that my boyfriend’s female friend tells him to look at her breasts? She explicitly asks him to look at her breasts. She claimed that it is to help her see if her new bra is supporting her breasts well. She also regularly shares details ... View more

Is it alright that my boyfriend’s female friend tells him to look at her breasts? She explicitly asks him to look at her breasts. She claimed that it is to help her see if her new bra is supporting her breasts well. She also regularly shares details of her sex life and bodily changes with him. He is 28. He thinks that people are judgmental for saying her behaviour seems rather inappropriate. He says that she only has male friends because women are generally mean to her. My partner also calls her his “work wife”. When she broke her leg for the fifth time from playing volleyball, he panicked, called her immediately and asked if she would like him to visit her at the hospital right away, even though her partner was at the hospital with her. The next day, when she messaged my partner and complained to him that she is bored at home, he offered her to crash our date night. When we picked her up, she locked herself out of her house and we ended up driving her around and accompanying her until 12am. This was also the first time I met her, so I greeted her when she first sat in the car but she didn’t respond to me. Throughout the evening, she only talked about herself and complained about the people at work. She didn’t ask about me at all. I’m asking because I’ve just moved to Australia recently from another country and I’m uncertain if such behaviour is possibly normal and acceptable in Australia society.

canberraman_66 Stay or go...help!!
  • replies: 1

Hi, I've been in a relationship for 10 years, i have a good job, house, car, dog etc. For the last year or so our relationship has been pretty strained, i wanted to get married and start a family but she was always waiting for the right time. This ha... View more

Hi, I've been in a relationship for 10 years, i have a good job, house, car, dog etc. For the last year or so our relationship has been pretty strained, i wanted to get married and start a family but she was always waiting for the right time. This has been discussed a number of times over the last few years but nothing ever happened. In the last year or so we've rarely been intimate and life has just passed us by. A few months ago i met someone that changed my life, i felt that they were my soul mate and just the most perfect person. We had so much fun together but things have become tough over the last few weeks as she has cooled things off as she doesn't want to be the person that makes me leave my current relationship-she says i need to do it for me and not her (she is single having come out of a long term relationship). I know she is right as who is to say a new relationship would work and she says that she doesn't want the guilt of being the reason i left if things don't work out with us. Now she has taken a back seat with us i feel completely lost and in limbo, do i stay in my current relationship completely unsure or do i end it losing everything with the possibility of the other person not committed. I've spoken to my current partner about our issues (not meeting the other person) and she has been really nice and said that she wants to do the things i want and now realises she was being selfish in delaying (her words). The problem is i have this nagging feeling that it may be too late and whilst i love and care for i just don't know what to do. I constantly have this sick feeling in my stomach all day everyday not knowing what to do, it's affecting me at work and mentally. I've also been worried that i'll lose the other person as she won't wait around for me and therefore i think i causing her stress as i message her a lot or get funny when i don't hear from her. My partner doesn't earn anywhere near my salary and i guess that i'm worried and feel guilty she won't be able to manage on her own which also causes me stress. I ultimately don't want to hurt anyone and don't want to feel like this anymore but i just don't know whether i stick it out or make the gamble. I'm at a time in my life where I'm not getting any younger and there are so many fears i'm facing. Any help, advice or similar experiences would be much appreciated.