Not dealing with my breakup

[Zahvia]

My girlfriend broke up with me a while ago and she always said that she loved me but needed to work on herself before a relationship but started being really cold towards me and everything. She kept saying that she felt like she was leading me on and it was making her anxious because she felt like she should get back together with me. Tonight she told me that she never wants to be back together with me and I dont know what to do. Ive been doing everything to try and make her happy and comfortable and I really thought we were getting somewhere but just like our breakup this came really suddenly and I dont know if she is doing it to try and ease her anxiety about speaking about it so its just over or if she truly doesnt love me. We live together and it hurts so bad looking at her because i still love her so much and it breaks my heart knowing she doesnt love me anymore and I really dont know how to deal with it

[Clear82]

I have been in a similar situation where I wanted the relationship to work and wanted him too as well. But he never did.

Then I came to the realization that I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship that’s not genuine and that I deserve so much more. I remind myself it’s not me it’s them.

You deserve to be happy too.

At the moment it’s so raw for you and I know people always say it will get better. My advice don’t think past the day even if you need to just think I can get through this hour. Then you make it through the day and then you realize things are getting better.

Your not alone!

[therising]

Hi Zahvia

I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a heart-breaking time. Such a time can definitely challenge us in so many ways.

I believe disappointment to be a process. In the case of a relationship ending, disappointment can happen in 2 ways, beginning with the union between 2 people

1. We appoint our self the role of partner, to another
2. We appoint the other person to the role of being our partner

For the other person, this will be the same.

Dis-appointment happens when either one or both people involved have chosen to no longer fulfill those roles. If a couple splits on mutual good terms, there is no pain with the disappointment. When there is no mutual understanding or agreement, the pain that comes with the disappointment can be immense and incredibly challenging.

Clarity is vitally important when it comes to managing disappointment. It sounds like your ex is unclear herself how this can be managed in a more healthy, thoughtful and productive way. She has a choice to guide you through it yet has chosen to shut down, as a form of management.

You have every right to seek clarity and guidance, so you are able to better manage the situation. Such clarity and guidance may be initiated through questioning, with questions directed towards her such as:

• How do you suggest I productively manage the disappointment, regarding something that meant so much to me?
• How do you think you/we can better manage your/our communication whilst we remain living together?
• What, for you, changed between the beginning of the relationship and the end?
• What were you hoping for in the relationship, long term?

This is just a handful of examples that perhaps may help you find some clarity. It may help her too.

I believe that she can't expect a healthy relationship (even if it's as friends) unless she can relate to and help you relate to her reasons for ending things. How we relate is basically what impacts the relationships we have with people.

The mental and physical energy and chemistry can be just as intense at the end of a relationship as it was in the beginning. It can all deeply impact our sense of connection to life. Having someone to help us manage such intensity can be the key to evolving in productive ways. Evolving beyond disappointment into new appointments or roles in life can reconnect us with a greater sense of self love and direction.

Take care of your self as you seek clarity and healing