Can Love Your Family,But Don’t Have to like them as People

[ABC01]

Dear All,

I have been told by many people including mental health professionals,that you can love your family members, but don’t have to actually like them as people. Or even choose them as friends or people you would interact with otherwise.

 I am finding this very truthful at the moment. Throughout the years, I have consistently lowered my expectations and they still haven’t been met. And if I were to label them from an outsiders pov, narcissistic,debasing, gaslighting,enabling and the ability to not be empathetic would be words I’d use to describe some of my family.

Sometimes I have come to accept that this is a certain aspect of this person and still find a way to love them,knowing they won’t change. It hurts and it takes some time to come to terms with.

What are your experiences/thoughts on this titled topic?

And when if you wouldn’t stand for it from a friend or acquaintance,do you not stand for it from family?

And then what choices do you have?

Thank you.

ABC01

[ABC01]

Dear smallwolf,

I guess I am afraid that if I ever do something that they (my parents) don’t agree with or are totally against, then I will have to do everything on my own. Start,middle, follow through and then the end result . And on my own,without their help, but with their criticism in the background and maybe even forefront. I don’t have much confidence in my skills or ability to be a capable adult. And get it done. And done right. I guess that is the true centre of the story. For nearly two decades I have been halted in fear. And for awhile I was able to get away with that. I had time and youth on my side. I was able to keep pushing it to the side and tell myself that I could deal with it later. And now I don’t. I have a small buffer of time and if it is wasted or stunted, Then I am up a creek without a paddle. Or at least they are the strong feelings I am feeling, on a pretty constant basis. That is the real me.

Thank you for listening smallwolf.

ABC01

[smallwolf]

One of the things that I had to do (homework from my psychologist) was a thing called (or I will refer to it as) "rock the boat". This is standing up for yourself ... but would first do it with something very small and with someone you could trust and then see what the result was. Was the result good, bad or otherwise?  And please do not think I have the answers or do this well as I still struggle around some/many people. 

Now in your situation and given what you said in your first post, this might not work very well. So perhaps just being aware of your truth can help combat the distortions experienced with your parents. And in this way, remaining calm and not reacting. Or walking away?  In its own way that could be rocking the boat - not giving them the satisfaction of ....? 

I know from my experience comments can easily make you feel lesser about yourself.

Can I ask if you work or study or what? Do you look after your parents? 

Listening

[ABC01]

Dear smallwolf,

Many times I have set boundries with my parents and they haven't liked it. They are uncomfortable with my boundry at the time. I haven't cared. But over time, they start disrespecting the boundry. And we either have a confrontational conversation or I let it go because it is not worth the fight. But nothing I say or do can get them to understand my pov. They don't have to agree,but they could understand how I got there. They are black or white. Period.

Sometimes I know my truth and am strong and resolved in it. But over time that gets eroded by being an army of one. And sometimes I feel like if I don't do what they want,then I am not welcome. And I have no where to go. My direct family is the only one in the state I live in. I have never had relationships with extended family,because I was never introduced to them.

I don't work. Every job I ever had was disrupted by my anxiety disorder and never lasted past 3 months. The last job I had and the longest was 3 years, but I had a meltdown (a precursor to a full breakdown) and had to leave. Granted it was a high stress, fast paced job. Which didn't help. So when management came to talk to me and I left, my colleagues weren't surprised. My anxiety has woven itself into every facet of my life on a daily basis. I got diagnosed with some auto-immune diseases to about two years after I left that job. So between my mental health disorders and the auto-immune diseases, work is nearly impossible. Treatments/appointments are not routine and all over the place. And I need to go to the hospital to get one of my medications through IV. So it is hard to even volunteer, as I never know what is happening from week to week.

I don't technically look after my parents. However, they are both sick. One of them has been the others carer for decades. But now they are dealing with illness too. So, whilst I am not their official carers, I do look after them and do things around the house for them. I also stand in if the carer parent has to go away and I facilitate their role. But I too have been a carer for my parent for the last 3 decades, just not officially and in a different capacity. I was a child who cared for a sick parent growing up and into adulthood. I still do.

How about yourself?

ABC01

[smallwolf]

Hey,

It sounds like you’re carrying a heavy load—managing your own health, supporting your parents, and struggling to keep boundaries that aren’t respected. It’s incredibly tough to hold onto your truth alone, especially when those closest to you don’t understand your perspective.

A little about me ... I used to work F/T as software developer. There were a number of things that came together IMO that impacted on me a few year so and since then I been with a psychologist and psychiatrist. Though it really started when I was very young. The impact on my mental health was longish slow descent. And then ... I also have haemchromotis which can have a relationship with depression etc. The stresses from the software dev work were too much for me. So I then started a P/T job as parish administrator which finished a short while ago, when I took up an admin assistant job at a college nearby. It's much more relaxed / less stressful than either of the previous jobs. The parish admin job is more stress than I had thought it would be. At my current job, I do get to do some IT related work as well. Dad died in beginning of this year. Mum still alive.  I got/get on better with her.

[ABC01]

Hi small wolf,

I am sorry for the loss of your dad, regardless of your relationship with him. It still must have had a significant impact on you. I am glad your relationship with your mother is better. Perhaps you will connect more now with the circumstances. She might rely on you more. And sometimes without certain interceptions,people can come to listen more and understand more.

 I am happy that you have found a job that is comfortable with you. And that you get to do some IT work here and there.

I have never heard of haemchromotis. I just researched it. That is very confronting. I am personally used to anemia. I hope you have yours under control or maintained. I can see how that can impact your mental health.

 I don’t know how old you are and that is fine. But I remember just how little help there was for someone in my position as a kid. So I can’t imagine there were very many mental health services available for us growing up. Not without a chunk of money. Mental health has bloomed as a topic and services have become more readily available for children and above. I was 12 when my anxiety started and by 17 I was having panic attacks. I didn’t get officially diagnosed until my later twenties,because I thought A: I was doing a good job with my mental health & B: I thought everyone lived their life like mine. How wrong I was. I have had counselling and even psychologist sessions here and there before I was diagnosed,but afterwards I started seeing psychologists and psychiatrists routinely. And medication.

Thank you for validation in the weight I carry. Sometimes it is that little thing that means alot. And it also is helpful to know that you have depression,but can still manage a job. It is something I am facing for the future. It is a skill to know your actual limits. So if software development is too much for you. Then at least you know and aren’t forcing yourself through something. And sometimes simple looking things can be deceptive. So I am glad your administration position has found you some balance. My last position was way to stressful for me with too many responsibilities and timeframe's,but not enough staff to forfill them. It was data entry. I liked the autonomy I had. I work better on my own then in a group. But as my anxiety kept leveling up and nothing I did would release it, I had to give that job up. I do miss the feeling of independence I had when I had my job though. And the feeling that I was taking care of myself with my own two hands. I have 3 autoimmune conditions and then my mental health issues too. I am always doing one appointment or another. Not a great candidate for work or as it seems volunteering either. But I would love to feel some of that independence again.

It is hard to not have support in the way I would like it. But we don’t always get what we want. But if we know our own selves,well I guess we are better for it. I do wish though,they were open for a little more mental health education. Or even just how to have an open conversation. I don’t want regrets in life anymore then I already do.

Thank you for the chat small wolf.

Hope to talk to you again soon,

ABC01

[smallwolf]

On dad's death... it was happening for a while - he had Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. In some respect it was quick, and others ways not so. His mother had Alzheimer's also and she lingered. Dad not so much. While I shed a tear at his funeral, it did not hit me as I thought it might.

Back to you ...

And I can imagine that it would be frustrating having to just go from one appointment to another. Based on what you said, I wonder if there were some sort of stuff you could do from home? I'm just thinking out loud.

Tell me, if you want... what things do you like doing?

Related to myself... I am doing what I can and that's enough I feel.

[ABC01]

Dear smallwolf,

That must have been incredibly difficult to process and experience. Both together is just so intense. Having going through grief currently, I have learned that no grief is the same. It is an individual journey. And that what doesn't affect you then, may affect you later. Or not. And that grief isn't measured by the amount of tears or how sad you are. Grief is experienced different by everyone. So it is okay to experience it the way you have.

No, I completely agree. Something from home would be great, but very competitive to find,I'd guess. I am not even sure what type of work I can do from home.

At the moment I am what my psychiatrist labeled, in Deep Grief. So I don't really like anything right now. But I used to like learning new crafts with my hands (I already know how to knit, crochet, scrapbook, draw/sketch anime.) I dabble in others. Can't paint, but would love to learn Calligraphy. I used to like nature. Being near water is calming for me. But my anxiety has stopped me driving anywhere 5 minutes from home. But have kept my car in hopes one day I will work to get past this anxiety. So, I don't go out alot. I can drive to the local shops and back. Animal husbandry used to be something I loved and had pride in. My old small dog is my shadow. So I want her quality of life to be the best I can. However, it is incredibly painful when they pass, and I have to factor that into my life now. Mostly TV and sometimes Movies, but not at a cinema. I can't garden. I killed bamboo and cactuses. I like computer games like The Sims. And City Skylines, where you have to build a city and manage every aspect of it. I used to like planning our family parties and decorating the room. I used to go hard. Even have an electric balloon blower. My next step was going to have to be balloon arches. However, I think people automatically assumed I would do the decorations and never asked to help. It is mainly for the kids anyway.

In terms of work, I guess administration is better for me. I always thought it would be interesting to work in the library. But when I think of it more in depth, I can actually see so many things that would drive me mad. My last position was data entry, but my position never used Excel, so I am not up to date on how to use most Microsoft Office. I find the elderly interesting. Volunteering there could be rewarding. However, I'd be afraid I could possibly bring in an illness to them.

What things do you like doing? What interests you?

I am glad that you are doing what you can and feel good in that.

Me not so much. I don't have direction at the moment. My mind ping pong's all over the place. I would like some more calmness to be able to make decisions and keep them.

Talk to you soon,

ABC01

[smallwolf]

Yes you need to look after yourself first and that means your health. And it sounds like you had/have a lot of interests. Sucks when what I call life (mental health) gets in the way and turns everything upside down. It sounds like you were (probably are or can be) quite an arty person...

I also like computer games, but I mainly play LOTRO (Lord of the Rings Online) - its an MMO. I also like to listen to music on YouTube and cook. My psychiatrist once suggested that I learn to make own pasta so I got a pasta making machine and learnt how to do that. I also have a channel on YouTube but won't say more than that. Except to say that it allowed me to remain connected to the old me that worked as a software developer. 

Honestly it was not something that I thought I could do. But people who watch compliment the videos I make. And that also makes helps to make me feel useful which is a positive thing.

Lastly, sometimes to get to the other side of the mountain you have to chip away at the pebbles ... bit by bit. Eventually you will make it to the other side. Until then it's a case of slowly moving forward in whatever shape that takes. For me... you have read a little in the last posts. It has taken a 6/7 years to get to this point where I felt I was able to do F/T work. 

Listening...

[ABC01]

Thanks smallwolf,

It does take time, and I am aware of that. Just a little disheartening when I am repeatedly told "I don't have the answer/any answers for you". I would have been off like a speeding train two decades ago,if that was the case. I guess many of us would.

Online gaming sounds fun as you can interact with others. I love pasta. Plain with a little bit of salt and sauce, but you can still taste the pasta. Good on you!🙂 As for your YouTube channel, that is also great. You may be helping someone with a particular brick wall and get them through it. Just what they need. And keeping that passion alive.

A long time ago, I got of all social media. Looking at what others "had" and what I didn't made me feel worse for having it. But only last week I downloaded all the apps again. Signed up for about half of them. It is so ingrained as a way of life now, that I feel I might be left behind if I don't. I am not someone who is stuck to my phone everyday. I just use it as a phone. But the world is connected to these apps. So maybe it is time I start using them too or at least familiarize myself with them. Perhaps one day I might like to share too. However, I am now more awakened to the fact that alot of people's accounts are lies. Fabricated to look better than they actually are. And also for money. So less damaging to me. In other words, rose-colored glasses are off, and I may find something interesting or helpful for me. Won't know until I look.

I guess I am a creative person. I feel pride when I produce something with my own two hands. Probably how you feel when you cook and produce a tasty meal. It is satisfying. However, I have found those pursuits don't really translate into a profitable business. And one of my health conditions does involve my hands. But they are an expression of myself. And that is a positive.

Thanks for the chat smallwolf,

ABC01

[ABC01]

Dear smallwolf,

Can I ask,and no worries if you don’t want to talk about it, but do you feel like a proper adult after your relationship with your parents?

I ask as I don’t feel like one and am trying to figure out how to be one. I wondered if that had impacted you? As we had discussed other things about our parents and relationships.

But please do not feel pressured to answer if you don’t want to.

Listening too…

ABC01