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Can anyone else relate to this ?

Guest_423
Community Member
I am grateful for many things - there is no violence in my life, I am not living in poverty, I do not do drugs (not even cigarettes), drink excess alcohol or gamble, I can afford to pay the bills and I do have friends. I have had problems with depression and anxiety for a long time and it’s mostly due to my upbringing in a very dysfunctional family, and now there is not even one family member left, and I do not have a special man in my life either. I live by myself and as we all do I want to love and be loved. I want to feel that deep intensity for loving and being loved with at least one person. But that is not my situation and I am absolutely lost in my life because of it. I don’t know how to cope at the moment. I’ve been through this before and will get over it, but I also know it will come back.
12 Replies 12

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Travels~

Some of us are not complete by ourselves and are basically designed to be part of a unit. I should know as I'm one. When living alone life simply is not the same. So I guess you have two related problems to overcome.

The first is of course the long term depression and anxiety you mention having problems with. Such things all by themselves make a dramatic difference to life and the ability to cope. Do you mind if I ask if you are under treatment? I've had anxiety, bouts of depression and PTSD for a very long time too. I found I simply kept getting worse, definitely not improving, until I got the proper medical help - with therapy and meds. Now I'm in a much better place.

So if you are under treatment maybe you need to see your doctor again and discuss if your regime needs modifying or adding to. I've had to revisit things many times to compensate for changes in circumstances or myself.

Of course if you are not being treated now would be an excellent time to start by seeing your GP in a long consultation and saying what is happening to you. It can be a path to a much better and happier life.

The second problem is being alone. I can't say a lot based upon your post however I have been unreasonably lucky twice. First when young being in a relationship for 25 years, then when my partner passed away finding another, with whom I've been for 20+ years, still in love. I'm no great catch, If I can find and meet someone's needs I'm sure most people can.

So how do you feel about looking for someone? It does not have to be that worrying a venture, and does not have to be done in haste.

Whatever you think you are most welcome here anytime.

Croix

Guest_423
Community Member

Thank you Croix for your long and personal reply.

Best I answer your questions first - yes I am on medication and prior to signing up to BeyondBlue today I have made an appointment with my doctor for next week. About a year ago I moved interstate back to city from country to an area I had lived previously. My previous doctor was a wonderful support and I miss that very much. My current doctor is a very nice man but I have not needed support this way from him until now, except for prescriptions, so how that will go I am yet to find out.

I am one of those people who somehow manages to put up an invisible brick wall when meeting people and I find it very hard to progress a new acquaintance into a friendship. Where I used to live there were people, mostly other women, who knew I had depression/anxiety problems and they avoided me like the plague. I would/will value the friendship of other women but because of past experience I have lost a lot of confidence and feel very reluctant to have any new people where I am now know this. Socially I much prefer small groups where it’s easy to talk, and not situations where there is a lot of people and noise that overwhelms me.

I am also one of those women who seem to attract the wrong type of men. In the past I have often been propositioned by the husbands of friends and have long since given up introduction websites as I am not interested in “the players” who reply. I suppose I could be called old-fashioned by the standards of a lot of people these days - I am not interested in ‘just a fling’ with either a married or a single man. I want to get to know a genuinely unattached man as a friend and let it develop slowly, which seems impossible.

So I get out and about, sometimes meeting my few old friends here, am volunteering, sometimes talk to people in shopping centres etc. but I still go home to an empty house, eat meals alone at home and then to an empty bed.

Like everyone else I’m sure, my story is really very complicated and long, but I’m just trying to give you an idea of the ‘here and now’

Thanks for reading this and your time Croix.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Travels~

Thank you for replying, for someone who has a tendency to put up barriers it may be an uncomfortable and rather worrying experience. Hopefully in time as you see the sort of people here you will feel at ease.

Changing doctors is itself a hassle, though indications are good if your new GP seems nice. At least you know what you can expect in good circumstances, many are unsure. Actually the whole move would have placed you under a deal of stress.

You sound very sensible with social and voluntary activities, and realistic in your expectations. True there are those that wish to take advantage or are just plain selfish, however I'm sure there are many who would be suitable. As you are finding it is a question of getting in touch to start with.

My wife tells me men who have been married before are to be preferred - but then again she is biased:)

I know little of dating sites, though I do understand there are particular ones where different demographics tend to congregate. The little experience I had pointed out to me firstly that in such circumstances many are either self-serving or have very unrealistic expectations. A simple thing like living too far away makes it just about impossible to know someone properly.

As a result I advertised and corresponded with a few responders, then just one. I found correspondence is a good way to get to know a person without pressure. I'm not suggesting that way, which was years ago, is viable now; just that there are nice people out there.

I would think your idea of the someone to be with is quite attainable, and you sound the sort of person with a lot to contribute to a relationship. Perhaps as your current level of anxiety and depression is addressed you may find meetings and interactions easier

Croix

Guest_1584
Community Member

Hi Travels.

Sorry about your sitch and l def' get the empty house thing , and the empty too.

One thing though . l honestly couldn't see a problem with you needing to go slow when meeting someone, a lot of people do , l do , guy, and l've met or read of plenty of others. So don't be too hard on yourself about that me l think it's fine, smart too.

l'd actually imagine plenty of guys would be interested in going slow , it gets way too complicated way to fast with all the wrong people if we don't and l do know a lot of guys are very wary of that, me included.

Hope your ok , will drop back. Chin up.

Thanks randomx for your post and encouragement. As I think I said previously I have been thru this before and survived, as I will this time, but finding myself feeling so low, again, it seems harder than before to pull back up and I am sooo tired.

Hello Travels. Due to a traumatic experience some time ago, I lost friends, home, my business, savings, investments.... basically everything except my dog. I actually found relief being totally alone. Financially, I am struggling and finding work is hard. Of course Depression, PTSD, Anxiety came knocking. Being one never to be defeated however, I forever climb the ladder of hope and resistance.

Just two weeks ago, I made a decision that I resolved to keep. I am going to travel overseas. Not a holiday or a short trip. I booked for two months in a City of a country I have never been to. I also booked a room in a house and paid a deposit. Yesterday, I bought my return ticket to Europe. I have no money. I survive on the pension and that will have to do.

I need a total change of mindset. Different people. Different language. Different setting. Things to see and do. More importantly, I need to re-discover myself. I am prepared to endlessly walk and to starve.

I realize I am risking it but I am more in harms way staying here. A total catharsis is necessary to heal this deep wound that refuses to heal. I lost so much that needs to be reclaimed...

So, I am off to the unknown. Que sera sera.

Travels, I am telling you all this in the hope that you will find THE element that would kick start your life. I sense you are strong and you can overcome anything.

Best of luck Travels.

Copacabana

WOW Copacabana your post is amazing to read and I am full of admiration. Thank you for sharing. You sound like the sort of person I’d like to know.

You certainly have had a tough time and your resolve to climb that ladder says you are strong and worthy, amongst other things. One of the things that has kept me going over the years has been the story of Winston Churchill’s speech, and the quote within it -

“Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never--in nothing, great or small, large or petty--never give in, except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”

Good on you for travelling Copacabana - I hope it will be everything you hope for. Travel is a fantastic, life changing experience. I have travelled and it has changed me. I will ‘never, never, never’ regret it, but it ignited a flame in me that will never be satisfied which is sometimes hard to cope with now. I want to travel forever LOL.

A few years ago I went to a country I fell in love with, and I have a few good friends over there now that I miss terribly. Being lonely here now is so hard when I know I would be in 7th heaven if I could go back, but currently I am in no position to do that.

Your traumatic experience and losses, financial difficulties and the effects on you boggle my mind, and to know you have got back on your feet enough to be flying off into the wild blue yonder in a couple of weeks is the most wonderful achievement, and I hope you are proud of yourself.

If you can try AirBnB - there are very reasonably priced places, especially if you are prepared to share. Learn a few words of the language of the country you are going to, they will love that and tell them you are an Aussie too, they love Aussies.

I am fighting my battle too and doing what I know can help. And this afternoon I talked for an hour with a trusted friend who lives interstate and I could feel the knots in my stomach starting to melt. So I think I am over the worst of it now and will sleep better tonight for talking with her.

I hope you sleep well too Copacabana - I wish you everything that is good and happy. Safe travel and come back a new person.

PS: I nearly forgot. What about your dog? She/he will surely be looked after for you, and be waiting for you to come home - please say this will happen.

Hi copa

don't worry about money you

ll be fine over there . l've traveled like that for 18mths , hardly anything , one of the best times of my life .

l'm sorry you lost everything , been there too , done that one. l hope your trip gives you a fresh you, l think it will.

Good luck