FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

Broken-hearted Mum

Lachannie
Community Member
My daughter has accused me of something I did not do and because of this has removed me from her life. This is heartbreaking for me and I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I am having trouble sleeping and it is constantly in my thoughts which is very upsetting as I don’t understand how a daughter hates her mother so much. I don’t know how to put my side forward as she won’t return my calls or reply to my messages. I should explain she has a borderline personality disorder and I have done everything over the years to support her and get her the help she needs.I have been told not to take it personal as it’s her illness making these decisions and not her but I am not so sure and I am getting tired of being the blame for all that goes wrong in her life. Family is very important to me and I have other children who also caught in the middle of this as well as my husband and grandchildren. It upsets me to even think about Christmas and that she and her family won’t attend because of this. I am looking for guidance on how I can try and resolve this if it can be resolved.
17 Replies 17

HappyHelper88
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Lachannie Thankyou for sharing and welcome to the forum

I am so sorry to hear this that's very tough

I suffer from borderline personality also and from my experience I can act very irrationally when im upset and blame others. I can go from one minute loving someone and the next despising them and I have been known to cut people off temporarily to cope in the past
unfortunately with BPD its hard to manage and takes several years of treatment to improve.

I understand how you feel with bpd sufferers they are very sensitive and are often triggered easily as a result of their childhood trauma
My advice is to try and show her you love her and you are there always as she the underlying causes of bpd are feelings on abandonment she needs to feel she wont be abandoned and that you will always be there
You said She wont respond but make sure she gets the message and she may take some time to reach out
Give her time

Also explain strong evidence to support that you did not do what she suspects you did
And it would be beneficial when you reconnect to find out her triggers so you can understand her better

I hope this helps

Thankyou for your response and do you have any suggestions on how to reach out or should I just wait till she reaches out to me ?

Hi Lachannie,

I don't have any experience with BPD though reading HappyHelper88's comments in regards to feelings of abandonment maybe you could keep messaging her even if she doesn't respond so that she knows you are there when she is ready.

WF

Hi Lachannie,

Give her some time and try again. Maybe write her a letter so in that way you can ensure you don't miss on any details that you would like to include to stress how important she is to you, how much you love her, how you never had intended to hurt her as well as your side to the story.

Maybe ask your family for guidance as to when to pick the best time to contact her again? Maybe would be good to ask one of your family members to deliver your message/letter and ensure she gets it/reads it. You might even want to talk to your family members as if you would be talking to her. You might even want to ask them to share her side of the story, however, without making anyone uncomfortable so nobody feels like he/she is betraying your daughter's trust.

It is a very delicate situation so also follow your heart and instincts as well as your daughter's cues.

Thinking of you and I hope all eventually goes well for both of you.

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Lachannie

I am sorry for what your experiencing.

Happyhelper has given an insight into BPD which I found very useful.

I have found giving time to someone with BPD is often helpful .

The_Bro
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi there Lachannie and thanks so much for your post.

You have been very eloquent in describing the unfortunate situation with your daughter, and have received some excellent guidance from Happy Helper and Learn to Fly.

What I'd like to do is recount a situation I had with my own daughter in the hope that it may help you a little bit.

When 19yrs old she became a bit of a hippy. I was a solo dad and she showed little respect for out house rules, bringing home strangers with no approval, staying away overnight without notice etc. I found it very hard to take, we argued a lot and she often accused me of behaviours I wasn't aware of.

Then a friend who happened to be a social worker suggested that I take a different approach along the following lines - it worked an absolute treat!

1. Think very carefully about your wording, then reach out to her by phone so she can hear your voice. A voice message is OK as first step if she won't take your call. Tell her you love her very much, are proud of her, want to discuss things about your own behaviour etc. Ask if you could please meet with her at a cafe or park - so its a special occasion, as she and your relationship are worth it. Keep your tone very friendly and non combative.

2. 'Own' some of the issues. Even though you may feel you have done nothing wrong at all, tell here you are sorry about some of the things you have said or done and want to make sure you know what they are so you don't do the same things again. This step is very important as it removes the blame game and she will hopefully see you as a person ready to apologise for what she thinks are your shortcomings. This meeting must be level and conciliatory as this has the best chance of bringing her issues out into the open as she will see you as receptive.

3. Repeat that you love her very much, so does all the family, and want to have a lovely relationship with her. Talk about Christmas and how lovely it would be to have her included.

With my daughter, we both cried, hugged and it was wonderful afterwards. Still the odd disagreement from time to time but even today, years afterwards, she still refers to that meeting from time to time!

I really hope this helps Lachannie, please get back to me if you want to with your thoughts, I am happy to help any time.

It is great to see the love you have for your daughter - there are issues she has, all you have to do is uncover them and listen. Hopefully the method I used with my daughter will help.

Regards, The Bro

Thankyou

Thankyou I will try this

Thankyou and I think my instincts are to give her time