Hi there Lachannie and thanks so much for your post.
You have been very eloquent in describing the unfortunate situation with your daughter, and have received some excellent guidance from Happy Helper and Learn to Fly.
What I'd like to do is recount a situation I had with my own daughter in the hope that it may help you a little bit.
When 19yrs old she became a bit of a hippy. I was a solo dad and she showed little respect for out house rules, bringing home strangers with no approval, staying away overnight without notice etc. I found it very hard to take, we argued a lot and she often accused me of behaviours I wasn't aware of.
Then a friend who happened to be a social worker suggested that I take a different approach along the following lines - it worked an absolute treat!
1. Think very carefully about your wording, then reach out to her by phone so she can hear your voice. A voice message is OK as first step if she won't take your call. Tell her you love her very much, are proud of her, want to discuss things about your own behaviour etc. Ask if you could please meet with her at a cafe or park - so its a special occasion, as she and your relationship are worth it. Keep your tone very friendly and non combative.
2. 'Own' some of the issues. Even though you may feel you have done nothing wrong at all, tell here you are sorry about some of the things you have said or done and want to make sure you know what they are so you don't do the same things again. This step is very important as it removes the blame game and she will hopefully see you as a person ready to apologise for what she thinks are your shortcomings. This meeting must be level and conciliatory as this has the best chance of bringing her issues out into the open as she will see you as receptive.
3. Repeat that you love her very much, so does all the family, and want to have a lovely relationship with her. Talk about Christmas and how lovely it would be to have her included.
With my daughter, we both cried, hugged and it was wonderful afterwards. Still the odd disagreement from time to time but even today, years afterwards, she still refers to that meeting from time to time!
I really hope this helps Lachannie, please get back to me if you want to with your thoughts, I am happy to help any time.
It is great to see the love you have for your daughter - there are issues she has, all you have to do is uncover them and listen. Hopefully the method I used with my daughter will help.
Regards, The Bro
