Broken heart that I can’t heal after divorce

[Lauz22]

Hi all,

I am 27 and am going through a divorce from my partners of 10 years, 3 of those years we were married.

We met at the age of 17 and I have been codependent on him ever since.

Our relationship was extreme in both good and bad. He is someone like no other. His love was so strong and pure but he was very controlling and selfish.
Our relationship revolved around his wants and needs in life. He made all the big decisions, never saw me as an equal, had an extremely narrow mind of how we had to live our lives and forced me to do as he saw fit.

We had a wonderful, meaningful relationship before we got married.
But our marriage was toxic and abusive.
We were both wrong in our ways. We were verbally, emotionally and physically abusive towards each other.

It got so bad, that my mental health deteriorated and effected my physical heath.

I begged him to go to marriage counselling and he refused. Instead he got angry and lashed out as he usually does.

I saw no way out so I begged for a divorce. At first he refused and wanted to work things out. But I was at rock bottom I saw no way out and was suicidal at the thought of continuing our toxic marriage.

One day he picked up his belongings and walked out the house. That was the end.

I have spent this entire year in therapy to work through my feelings and to fix the problem.

I have gone from feeling suicidal in the marriage to now desperately wanting him back.

I feel I have worked on myself and grown. And that know what I need to do to change for a better relationship.
I have wrote heartfelt emails apologising, going in depth of the faults in me and the relationship and that if we both worked on ourselves and the relationship we could possibly make it work.

He has made comments such as

A part of him has died to let me go.
I am tainted and would rather have 5 failed relationships than be with me.
He no longer loves me.

It’s been 9 months and he has contacted lawyers regarding our divorce.

His love for me was second to none. He loved me unconditionally at my worst. I never in a million years thought he would give up his love on me.

I am struggling to accept it and am in denial that the relationship is over.

I truly believe no one will love me the way he did.

I am holding on to hope that one day he will come back to me and we could work things out.

I feel lost and empty all the time.
I feel my life has no purpose without him.

I feel I have nothing and am hopeless that there is no point of living without him.

[Lauz22]

Tony - I definitely am facing a battle with my self esteem.
I’ve struggled with it my whole life. Mainly because I grew up in a household where my parents didn’t express love or emotions and I was often bullied at school or work. I’ve always been told I’m not good enough every stage and aspect in my life.

All these are reasons why I feel I’m undeserving of love. I don’t love myself nor was I ready to accept unconditional love by my husband. Therefore ruining the relationship.

I have been in therapy a lot but it seems a slow journey. May have to get my psychologist to really dive deep.

randomx - the reasons for my divorce was because I was unhappy. At the time I thought it was him causing all my unhappiness but it was both parts.

At the time we had communication issues, he didn’t listen to me and spoke over me or made decisions without me. All those reasons I left me feeling he didn’t care.

I don’t often think about the bad - just obsessing over the good and not wanting to accept to let it go.

Yes I do believe if I reacted differently he would be different. I blame myself so much for this.

I was defensive and distant toward him. Concerned about how he could make me happier and not about how I could help my own problems. He got exhausted and left. He says I made him feel second best, never reassured him with my love and never good enough.

and it’s because I never felt good enough and second best that I projected this onto him.

I agree with your statements about toxic love.

It somewhat feels like a drug - although I don’t take drugs and have anything to compare to, I see myself as an addict. When you get a hit, it is so high and nothing compares. It’s magical, invincible and nothing else matters.

But when things broke down which it often did through a cycle, it was vile, destructive and abusive.

When we broke down, I had nothing to fall back onto. He was my EVERYTHING so when things went wrong it was like the world came crashing down on me and I was left with nothing. As this happened every few weeks, it slowly chipped at my mental and physical health. Self harm thoughts, suicidal thoughts, physical abuse, high blood pressure etc

I still can’t let go of the highs we had. I am somewhat addicted to the highs and refuse to let go. I will change my entire world to have what we had again one day.

I’m facing an extremely tough battle.

Thank you both for writing in

[Guest_3256]

Hi Lauz22's.

I just want to say that you are very strong for reaching out for support especially in these tough times. You're not alone, as I am in very similar situation (not married) where fights are and increasing and becoming more in-depth. It's quite ironic how the situation pans out and remorse builds up with no end in sight. That is when we need to pull away and come up with a solution. Couple get so deep into their issues that they forget about loving each other and then before you know it, the life you once lived is no longer. You can still be with him. By doing this would mean doing what you are already doing - focusing on making you the best version of yourself. Unfortunately, when you gave him the end, he may still love you, he might feel like you have abandoned him and left to be in a state of vulnerability. When he see how much you have changed, he may come back. Think about how you both first met, what attracted him to you. Get that spark back. You can do it!

[Guest_3256]

I'd like to add to this:

"randomx - the reasons for my divorce was because I was unhappy. At the time I thought it was him causing all my unhappiness but it was both parts."

Spot on! This is exactly it. What happens is one partner (or both) projects their behavior onto the other or will subconsciously blame and resent them. What happens with children who don't get what they want - they may sulk or become upset. We need to not be unhealthy in a way where were are not only damaging ourselves but damaging the people and their feels, their emotions and their care needs.

Other than that, anything can be turned around. Sky is the limit.

[Lauz22]

Thanks for support jsua

Yes, in unhealthy relationships we project our insecurities and unhappiness onto the other. I was subconsciously doing this.

It would be something you need to be aware of and really dive in deep to fix before it comes to an end! I hope you are able to do this in your relationship.

As I never worked on myself, I never understood that I had faults. It was easier to shift blame. I did this repeatedly that he now resents me.

I have offered the world at his feet. That I have grown, will continue to grow, love him openly and unconditionally for who he is, make peace with his family I didn’t get along with and more.
His words ‘I don’t want you in my future. I don’t want to be with someone who made me feel that way for so long’

He says I have somewhat traumatised him with my emotional neglect and how I kept pushing him for ‘better’ or ‘happier’

It crushes me. I still try to win him back but he keeps repeating comments along those lines. He has gotten a lawyer involved and so badly wants me out of his life.
Without him I am broken. I am so scared. The nights are so lonely and I feel I die inside every night knowing I have lost him.

[white knight]

Lots of interesting comments here.

To summarize- we are talking about the pain of separation following a deep and loving relationship.

So this is my 4th long term relationship. Each time after about 4-6 months of grief I've then started wondering what another woman would be like to date. The arguments could be far less, her consideration for me more obvious and general compatibility something I'd love.

Holding onto love, prolongs grief. For some like myself I have a survival ideology- see, I know that no human being deserves that much idolizing as to effect my mental well being.

Love can sometimes only be replaced by another love. Consider that!.

Grief- that process is different for everyone. There is little others can do.

TonyWK

[Guest_1584]

Hi lauz.

But what about his happiness weren't you concerned about making him happier too ? just wondering and asking but it's a very complicated scenario so l'm not picking at all that was just one thing that come to mind as l read is all.

TBH , l really don't see much of undoing things with him , there's so many things just all wrong and that's usually just a bit of everything . Both have faults and issues yeah but also just your general effect on each other and chemistry just push all the wrong buttons too and set off our issues even more so, rather than help . l still think about my ex all the time and wonder the shoulda coulda's . l tried many different things and ways with her, US , nothing helped for long our ways just collided. The way someone treats you , their ideas, the way they love, think they're loving , all kinds of little and big intricacies effect you both very deeply when the chemistry is just plane all wrong. lt's like you just can't treat each other in the way you both need, so you just set each others bad stuff off.

l tried so many things, l was never really sure with her if she did the same in return, or ever even acknowledged things if even only to herself . And l made many many mistakes too and l'm sure whatever way l could find in treating her and just being us, for her , must've just been all just wrong, just not pushing the right buttons , worse, the opposite of right buttons, and she did with me too. With you two , it sounds like there was so much of that too just going against grain. So yeah you had some deep deep problems but in his ways , they were probably made worse and probably vice versa . This use to happen with US. And every time we were enjoying an even keel again or beautiful highs , the tiniest thing would set off the crap again.

l really don't think by the sounds of your marriage , even if you could give it another go and that's is always worth trying with a marriage especially but what either can manage change or improve is another thing. You know with the right person 3/4 of it all just goes away , doesn't even exist , as with my partner now. No ex stuff even happens, it just doesn't. We're just at home and comfortable, easy , she just makes me feel and gives me what l need and l know l do her too. Maybe he was just all wrong for you, and you him.

rx

[Lauz22]

Hi Tony,

Grief is most certainly different for all.

Maybe because this is my first heartbreak I don’t fully understand.

Currently my mind set is that I do not want to let go, I want to hold on to hope and that I do not want another love unless it is his. It is painful but I am not sure how to let go, nor do I want to.

I have realised our love was toxic - with a drug effect.

I have never done drugs however I can see the similarities.
Being fed his love was a drug that I was solely dependant on to give me a high.

when we fought or I didn’t receive his love, my behaviour was erratic, abusive and destructive.

I feel like I am not just experiencing a heartbreak but almost as though I am recovering from an addiction that I heavily and solely relied on for 10 years.
The pain is excruciating.

Thank you for your insight of your heartache recovery. It gives me more of an understanding of what I am going through.

[Lauz22]

Hi rx,

I see your points you have made.
It is in fact a very complicated situation.

At the time I didn’t see the full picture that I needed to make him happy. It is something I am deeply guilty of.
I was selfish with emotions. I only protected my emotions and had little care for his.

I have realised my emotional unavailability and abuse has stemmed from my childhood where my father treated me the same way. Was told I was not good enough, manipulated, shift blamed and abused. Not only did it damage my development but it instilled in my behaviours and has ultimately ruined my marriage. I am at fault and I feel miserable.
I want to change to become a better person, in hopes I can fix my marriage.

I have no interest in another relationship. I am not ready. I feel I only owe it to my ex to make it up to him.
Although he is refusing another chance. I hate myself for the ways I am, the wrongs I made. So much so that I don’t want to live without him.

It seems love isn’t enough for successful and healthy relationships.
That there needs to be compatibility, respect and boundaries.
You may find these factors easily within others and therefore will not need to work as much to ‘make it work’.
But the heart wants what it wants.

Is being in a new relationship helping you ease the pain of the your past?
Do you feel it now makes sense why things have worked out the way it has?

Thanks,
Lauz

[Guest_1584]

Hi lauz.

l was divorced to before that. l spent 4yrs on my own after that , l wanted to heal and find me again. She was a whole new mind blowing thing l never thought l would ever find or even want again. l didn't believe in divorce so anything re;ationship just seemed worthless later , like if marriage means so little then what's the point.

But , then l met her and we were in exactly the same place and time and frame after both divorcing . Tbh , again l didn't think l would ever bother again when we didn't work out and l didn't go looking for a replacement or someone to calm the waters , l just accidentally met my partner now . While l was no where near ready either tbh but l explained to her where l was and that l was still very emotional but she was understanding and patient . No doubt about it we were different to me n ex but oddly they were actually a lot alike and we also just clicked really well too, incredibly really , considering once again l thought nope l'm done my lucks dry for sure now but yet , met her, and we wanted exactly the sam things and again were in around the same place in life, who would've thought,.

But it's also been hard regardless bc l've wondered 100 times can l love two people, do you love two people , or do you just be alone, love what didn't work out and so you won't have or what ? My answer was well, what didn't work out was oil and water it just wouldn't mix do l spend rest of my day wishing it did and waste this incredible opportunity ?

Well , she was way way way too good to pass up and yeah it has helped no end only because it is real though and l've got no doubt she could overtake anything ex in the end , she's already started to too, But the love of two people thing is still confusing for me and l just hope l've done the right thing because no doubt ex and l would've reconnected again down th track , problem is l'd guarantee it'd just blow to shyt again later though, alwats did, hard to change oil and water.

Sorry but that's about as clearer answer as l can manage.

[white knight]

Hi Lauz

I feel your pain in your words.

They say "nothing in excess can be good for you". Do you think your level of "in love" has been/is excessive?.

As a person with bipolar, I live in a world of excesses- mood swings, impulsivity, depression and mania. Some have gambling and other addictions. In many cases professional intervention is needed to curb behaviour so we can fit into the rim of normality.

I think you know all this, as well as the logical, that you need therapy of some description to assist you the overcome such level of obsession. Of course it could be simply love? But as it is absorbing you to high levels I'm concerned.

I hope you don't mind my recommendations to read threads.

Beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

Beyondblue topic who cries over spilt milk?

Beyondblue topic saving yourself from doom

Beyondblue topic mars and Venus the conversation between us

I always see positives in everything. Being so loving and monogamous is a beautiful way to be. "the higher you climb the further you fall" however. Hence the thread fortress of survival where you learn to defend yourself against other people or even yourself- is vital for continuing through life.

I don't mind continuing the chat. I'm here every evening. I hope you feel comfortable

TonyWK