Broken heart for the best?

[Calv]

Hello,

So I’ll start off my girlfriend of neally 4 year broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. We lived together did a lot together and I thought she would be the one I would marry and have a family with.

After the breakup I stayed in the house for a week because she broke up with me because “ she just doesn’t love or attracted to me anymore” I then went to her parents for a week for Christmas because we booked flights and they lived interstate. I was hoping to try make it work while up there but it did.

I feel like I felt it coming we cooked dinner together she ate it in bed and went to sleep without a goodnight or kiss or anything and I ate it on the couch and went to bed later at night. No sex only when she was drunk and if I ever tried to initiate it she would crack it. I’m 24 she’s 27 so we’re only young. She never kissed me hello or anything I always initiated it all.

I loved her so much and she rarely gave me any love but it’s all the small things I’m really missing the jokes and little hugs and just activities together.

My first breakup ever was really hard and I ended up with depression but I was in a bad place to start with no job or money and mum lived away and I lived with dad. This time I have a good job and money have moved back in with mum but dad passed away two years ago. I didn’t get depression when that happened because I had my partner. Now I’ve lost my dad and partner I just feel so sick lost and dunno what to do. I want to move on and find someone who has as much love as I have to give but I just miss her so much and everything we did together. Everything I have and wear we got together I just can’t get her out of my head.

All I want to do is msg her and try work it out but I know I need to give her space, but with the space im worried she will forget about me and move on.

Any advice would be great. Thanks!!

i

[PoohBear2018]

Thank you Towalkon.

I'm still struggling....

[Rabbit33]

Hi PoohBear2018,
Sorry, i was unaware of your situation and I now have a much better understanding. I apologise, and hope i wasn't coming across negative or rude towards you in anyway earlier.
Some ex's are to remain in the past, but only you will know that and you'll know when to make that decision.
You should listen to Ariana Grande's new song 'Thank you, next' . It's about ex's, lessons and very uplifting and encouraging!
Away from the current ex that i live with at the moment. I have another ex that I don't have any form of relationship with nor do we even keep in contact at all, as it ended badly.

If the person is toxic or damaging to your mental or physical health, then it is best to walk a way and move forward. No one deserves to be treated like a punching bag, this is the part i know all to well, my situation was from some family members though, but i know the hurt it creates.

If you still love him, as you said earlier, then i think For you to move forward, you may need to be at peace with it and with him. You don't have to forget, but the willingness to forgive so that you can move forward and be happy.

A few suggestions on how I would try approaching them;

- Maybe a controlled environment where you can both communicate without one or the other having a stronger position, that you can both be heard properly. Like Couples therapy or a close gf or bf to mediate?

- Write him a letter, wait a day or two, read it and see if you're still happy with it and then send it through to him.

It's a horrible feeling loving someone but knowing that they are no good for you. It's almost like You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.. But the reality is, time will heal things and you will be in a much happy position in the near future.
If you do decide couples counseling, it can be very eye opening and very emotional. You never know how you're going to feel walking out of there but you do know, that it is you taking the steps to be on the right path.
Perhaps someone close to you could come along just for emotional support?

Be good to yourself! Treat yourself with something special! You deserve it.
You're who is important here and you deserve to be treated kindly, with love, happiness, affection and should be lifted up by your partner, not taken for granted!
Don't let someone dim your shine! 🙂

I wish you all the best and hope that you are feeling somewhat better today.
Sending you strength and courage! 🙂

[White_Rose]

Hello PB

I think you are coming closer to an acceptance of the separation though not without tears and hurt. Perhaps groups are too much at the moment, but keep the idea in mind for when you start feeling stronger.

I suggest that couples therapy will not work unless you want to return to the partnership. If you don't you will be sending the wrong signals to him. Mediation is a good but does have to be done by an expert. Not sure what the situation is in your state. In Qld we have a free mediation service managed by trained personnel. I was having all sorts of trouble with the priest in my church and it was suggested by a mutual friend that we had a mediation managed by this friend. It was a disaster because the friend actually thought I was in the wrong anyway and made no attempt to stop the priest bullying me. Friends and family are biased because they friends and family. Mediation needs an unbiased facilitator.

Actually I would walk away from this situation. I don't usually say this kind of thing because what I would do and what you would do are not necessarily the same and it is your decision. I have walked away from two situations. My husband of 30 years because I finally found the courage to go and another person who was charged and convicted with fraud and forgery. I hasten to add the fraud was passing himself off as an expert until his employer found out. My involvement was a side issue but very distressing.

Forgiveness is a strange beast. I know many people see it as letting the other person off the hook and continuing your life as though nothing has happened. In reality forgiveness is part of accepting the situation has taken place, accepting it has caused you harm then moving forward. It's not saying to the person I don't mind the harm or I will accept it, because that is unreasonable. You are only required to accept there has been abuse, because that is an historical fact, and that you are walking away to become healed in the future.

It does help if you know why he did this but not necessary. It can help to have a context . My husband and his siblings, were abused by their mother and my ex was never going to allow anyone to have any kind of power over him. Any disagreements were seen as control and the situation got worse the longer I stayed because I was allowing it to happen. I left 18 years ago and It has taken me at least ten years to start healing, lots of depression and even guilt.

Don't know if that helps but I hope so.

Mary

[PoohBear2018]

Dear Rabbit33 and Mary,

Thank you very much to both of you for your kind advice and sharing your experiences with me and others. Much appreciated.

I still love and care heaps for him despite what happened. Sometimes I wish those affections would just end at this minute so I don't have to grieve and be hurting anymore. Unfortunately, it is not the case and I know it is going to take a while to heal for those long 8 years of connection. I understand that this is a "normal" process.

I am very hurt by him. Not only he broke my heart, he broke me. I was once a strong, cherry and independent person. Now I'm reserved and keep to myself.

I keep telling myself that I should not be blamed for what happened although I enabled his temper and abusive side all these years. He doesn't see how that is affecting me. I feel unloved and unappreciated by him. And I forgive him each time, hoping that he would learn from his bad behavior. But he didn't or has yet to change himself. Couple counseling was suggested by me. But he refused. "Do you know how much it is going to cost?" he asked.

I'm trying to find peace within my grief by understanding why I'm so down. Afterall, it is only a man, as a friend said. Watching my closest and best friend becoming a stranger to me. His cruel attitude and behavior towards me as I stood in front of him crying and shaking in fear. Trying not to remember those words of abuse, "you stupid b*tch," "go to hell," "hope you get HIV," "make yourself useful," and etc. that affected me. Do I deserve them after all the years of love, care and support given to him wholeheartedly? No. Did he love me or I'm just fitting his void?" If it is the former, he wouldn't be giving me crap.

I'm slowly picking up the pieces he shattered. I'm trying to learn to walk away from someone I love so much and he hurting me so much as well. He was given heaps of chances but he is too selfish to see them. He thinks I cheated on him but I didn't. His insecurities tell him otherwise. His friends are giving him ideas on what a disgruntled ex would do. I can't fight those rubbish even if I want to defend my honor. I showed him my world only to be destroyed by him.

Eventually I will be ok. I will stop crying every day. I don't have to suffer anymore.

P.S. I heard the song by Ariana Grande.