Boyfriend's Family Makes My Depression/Anxiety Worse

[unicornprincess29]

Hi! 🙂 I've been with my BF for over 2 years. He's my absolute rock & he has supported me through every single bad day I've had.

His dad lives in Aus. & his mum lives overseas (neither of them speak English very well). A year ago, his mum came to Aus. We spoke a lot using Google translate. We did a lot together...she even confided in me about personal problems. She told me I was like a daughter to her & that she was so happy I was with her son because she sees how much I love him.

My BF told me a long time ago he's not close to them because of what they're like. I soon witnessed this. The 2nd day she was here, they started fighting. At one stage I even felt they were trying to cause fights between me & my BF. The fights between his parents carried on the whole time she was here & they would always ask my BF to fix it.

Eventually he was so sick of it, he moved out, which was accelerated because they insulted both of us. They said horrible things about him, like that he hasn't achieved anything (he has 2 degrees & works full time in his field). But then it was my turn...they called me ugly, told him his exes were better than me, said it was weird I don't like going out a lot/don't have many friends, they told him I don't love him, they said they hated me & any other insult you can think of. We bought his mum a Thomas Sabo bracelet to which she later said I control his money & she wanted Adele tickets & I'm the reason he didn't get them (I don't control his money. We have a savings goal we're trying to achieve together & his parents thought that he should be using all his pay on them). She also said she doesn't want grandkids from me.

My BF moved out & we've been happier than ever! 🙂 I was broken for a long time though. The comments they made about the both of us affected me for months & at times I still get depressed & upset about it. He didn't deserve any of it & neither did I.

Anyway she went back home temporarily but she's back. My BF is meeting them because they called/texted him relentlessly saying they need to talk. He told them that he has no intention of being a "family" again & that they showed both him & me no respect & he won't let them treat me that way.

I won't be there when they meet. I'm worried for my BF though & that they'll try to hurt him again, and, I'm worried how stressful/upsetting it'll all be for me again.

[unicornprincess29]

Hey James,

Thank you for all the support! 🙂

[unicornprincess29]

HI Neil,

Thanks for the reply. 🙂

I think one of the only reasons it went so unexpectedly well is because their main goal was to get my BF back into their lives, and they knew they if they exploded at him again, he would have just gone back to not communicating with them again. I do think his mum is a bit of a control freak, and she likes controlling his life specifically, so I think for her it was more of a compulsion to have him back.

Just briefly in regards to his sister, his parents relationship with her is just as bad. The dad lets her do whatever she wants, because he feels guilty for living here and missing her growing up, so the mum raised her, and she's not the best role model as you can tell. The mum constantly argues with the sisters BF as well - she used to tell me how much she hated him (yet when the sister and the BF came over during Christmas/NY, she liked him more than me). She went so far as to physically hit him one day (which is why when my BF was moving out, he didn't let me come up and help him because he knew she'd physically assault me as well. And he also told me that if I saw her come downstairs to where my car was, that I should call the police straight away). I met both the sister and her BF, and they're both really nice people, and everything the mum said about them wasn't true at all. I watched first hand how they'd handle her behaviour whilst they were here, and to me they did a great job putting up with it. The mum fought with the sister every second day pretty much. The mum has openly told me before that she doesn't care about her husband or her daughter or her BF, because she "hates them all", and that she only cared about my BF and me, which I now find hard to believe as well... so pretty much, I don't think anything that woman says can be trusted.

Also, thank you for the support. Sometimes I feel I'm making the right choices, but it helps to have people not connected to the whole situation understand and support my choices as well. 🙂

[unicornprincess29]

Hi everyone, I'm a bit confused/upset & could use some opinions.

As I said before, one of my main concerns in regards to my BF speaking to his parents again is that they put him in a bad mood a lot, so he'll communicate with me less or be withdrawn/moody.

So he met them on Saturday & we spoke afterwards & everything was fine between us. He brought some snacks his mum brought from o/seas & I didn't want any (genuinely wasn't hungry) & his reply was what, you're not going to eat it because it's from her? & I was like no I'm just not hungry.

On Sunday, we were talking about potentially moving into a bigger place & the new furniture we'd need & he said because his parents are going back home soon, we can get theirs instead of getting new furniture. It's a great idea, but their furniture doesn't match ours & I would rather get something that matches so that when we move, we can just take it with us, rather than having to buy new furniture later because the old unmatched furniture looks weird. So, because I said no, his reply was that I can't just say no because I hate his parents & I was like it has nothing to do with that, I'm just thinking about how it's all going to play out... if we're eventually going to have to change it, what's the point of all the effort of moving it from their house to our house now, when we can just save a little longer & wait until we can afford to move into a bigger place where we'll actually need more furniture. What we have now is sufficient for where we're living.

I just feel like whenever his parents are in his life things get tense between us. Ever since Saturday, as supportive & understanding as he's been, he has also been different towards me, like something is bothering him all of a sudden. He's been less tolerant with my depression/anxiety & I'm in a bad place with it currently as he knows. I would say it's stress from being between his parents & me, but as far as I know neither one of us is making him choose sides... I mean I know I'm definitely not.

The other thing is, my BF & my mum don't have a relationship... she's not anything like his mum, she's probably the best mum out there haha, they just have differences, so he's started making little comments about her & whenever I defend her, he gets annoyed at me. I've started to feel that it may be because he wishes his relationship with his mum was like mine with my mum, or maybe he wishes his mum was like mine... is that a possibilty?

[Neil_1]

Hi there UP,

Great to hear back from you.

Thanx for the update and thank you also for providing more info about the situation and how you’re going. As I said in my last post, the bottom line with all this stops with you. That is, your health and well-being is what is key here, which leads me to just mention about how you’re feeling and travelling? I can’t remember back to whether you’re actually on meds and are seeing a GP at all?

A couple of things struck me with your last response … one that stood out to me was where you mentioned about your bf saying that just because you hate his parents …, etc; now I realise I don’t know you at all, but just coming from how you write and what you write, and how this whole situation has been for you, I feel you don’t have a hateful bone in your body. You come across as being a really caring, lovely person and so I’d actually like to pull your bf up on him saying that to you. I think you perhaps dislike his Mum, but hate … I think you could put that word and his Mum in the same sentence and it’d fit very nicely.

As you wrote more, it just seems like she’s got this evil narcissistic personality and that she hates most people, and quite possibly, life in general.

The other thing you wrote about your bf wishing his relationship with his mum, was more like you and your mum … ding ding ding, you hit the button sounded with the correct answer. In my mind, I have no doubt he’s thought about this, and not just from you and your mum, but I’d imagine as he was growing up and seeing mates interacting with their mum’s, seeing how different and potentially nice and awesome that it could be, I think he’d be feeling a bit, “damn, I wish it was different for me”. Again, just my thoughts, but I reckon you’re right with your thinking on this.

Sorry, this has got so big again … one last thing that really sparked my interest. “His parents are going back home soon …”. WHEN???? Is there a date in mind? This is of course, me to ask with enthusiasm, but not for you, as at present, the bf might take it the wrong way a little. Though it’s really weird that he now seems a little different after this last meeting with them.

I hope I helped in some way, and please stay here with us for as long as you want too. Keep us posted with how things are going.

Kind regards

Neil

[james1]

Hi unicorn,

From your last post, I feel like a lot of what your BF is doing was what I was doing in my last relationship. My mother would often make comments about my GF when she wasn't around and I kept trying to keep mum out of it.

So I'd put a lot of effort into trying to keep them separate and covering for both my parents and my GF when something seemed to be going wrong. Naturally, I didn't want to tell them how each thought about the other.

But it is tiring and nobody knows that I'm doing it, which feels like all my efforts go unappreciated. So even the slightest thing can make me wonder if they hate each other despite the efforts I put in, and so I would get a bit snappy.

I don't know if this is what is happening with your BF, but he does sound tired to me. Even if nobody is actively putting an ultimatum in front of him, that's how it can feel in these circumstances.

I think the best thing to do is to make sure you know what your expectations are about his family and set these firmly with him, but also acknowledge that they are his family and you can see he's trying to keep everybody happy, and can appreciate that.

James

[unicornprincess29]

Hi Neil,

I never mentioned the details of my depression/anxiety before, so it's not an issue with your memory haha. So I was officially diagnosed about halfway through last year. I had been experiencing the symptoms since early last year, but it all really flared up when his mum arrived, which is when I went to see a GP. I was seeing a psychologist, but in all honesty, I felt worse after seeing her, and I didn't feel like it was helping me at all. I did have to take about two weeks off from seeing her during my exam period, and that was probably the best two weeks I had... I didn't have any issues with my mental illnesses and I felt a whole lot better (even though I had the stress of exams, I still felt great). After my exams were over, I went back to seeing her, and again I felt worse after each session, so I made the decision to stop seeing her. My GP and psychologist both agreed that I didn't need meds because even though I can have really low moments, I do have some strong coping mechanisms, so it was a benefits vs risks decision. So at the moment, I do CBT through an online program my GP recommended, and that's about it.

I may be biased about this, but I also wouldn't say I hate anyone. I'm definitely still hurt about all that's happened, and I definitely dislike them, but I wouldn't say it's hate. I'm happy for my BF to have a relationship with them, I just refuse to for my own wellbeing and sanity.

They leave mid August! As bad as it might sound... I am definitely counting down the days. I can't wait to go back to living in peace... although, I do know they'll call him every second day, so I don't know how much peace we'll have, but at least they won't be physically present. I know before his mum came to Australia, he had issues with her over the phone, but it never really affected us, but since she's been here in person, it affects us a lot more, so I'm hoping when his parents leave, it'll go back to how it was before where their issues over the phone/Skype won't affect our relationship.

We did have another tense couple of moments today, specifically about me not wanting the furniture, but I really just tried to stay calm and explain my reasons around not wanting any of it without mentioning his parents, just to reiterate that it has nothing to do with them... I think I finally got through to him and I think that issue is over with for now... hopefully!

You have definitely helped! I really appreciate the support 🙂

[unicornprincess29]

Hi James,

I've been thinking about what you've said and I'm starting to think you may be right. In all honesty, I'm starting to think that there's things his parents have said that he's not telling me (potentially because he doesn't want to hurt me), and the only reason I say this is because anytime I say anything now, he gets really defensive about his parents... as if he feels I'm attacking them, which I'm definitely not, but he may just be on alert because they've been attacking me.

I have kept reassuring him that it doesn't bother me that he has a relationship with them... Just because they still make me upset doesn't mean he should be cut off from them too because they are his family. The only thing I did say to him was that I couldn't mentally deal with them abusing me again or ruining our relationship... and it sucks to say this, but ever since he saw them on Saturday, we've gone downhill like never before 😞

[Neil_1]

Hi there U.P.

I’m really pleased to hear the furniture issue might well be settled now. I am a bit confused with it though … as in, who will be using it when they head back overseas? Or is it only the mother who’s going back overseas and the father is staying?

May I ask how were things say, 2 months ago? As in, did your bf’s mother call often then? Like every 2nd day, as to what you think will happen when she gets back overseas again this time? I mean, maybe she will for a little while, but it might then ease off? Though I’m just guessing here.

The other thing I’ve been thinking about is that your bf went and saw them last Saturday. Have there been plans for another get-together with him? Ie: like a visit on a weekly basis, till they leave or something? Or was that more of a ‘one-off’ meeting with them? Cause it definitely sounds that any kind of meeting with them of late, has caused him to become a little different in your relationship, which is definitely not a good thing.

That is so pleasing to hear how you’re going with your depression/anxiety … well, up until this last period of time anyway, but I was referring to how you’ve been able to by-pass taking any meds and have got in place your own coping mechanisms, which is excellent. We all need them and they are crucial in us being able to maintain an appropriate way of getting through each day and for any one of us, they’d be so different, as what works for one person, may not necessarily work for another. That then also goes hand in hand with psych’s, and how you said you felt worse after seeing your psych. I’ve been there and done that in the past and that is such a frustrating place to be. The thing is, we are able to recognise it and then make the change; ie: not to see that particular person again.

With those coping mechanism that you’ve got in place, maybe you can use them a bit more at this current time, to see if they can help you out a bit with how you’re feeling at the moment? One of mine I use is going to the gym and when I’m in a bad place, I hammer myself big time at the gym as a kind of release.

Neil

[james1]

Hey unicorn,

It does sound scary that he's changed since meeting them on Saturday. If this is just because he's stressed, it's best not to worry too much about it for now. When they leave, it'll be a lot easier. Just between now and then, can you guys go away for a weekend or something?

it sounds like the home (i.e. around his parents) environment is kind of toxic for him right now and it's putting pressure on you too. Getting away might be a good way to alleviate that for a weekend as a nice reminder that you both still care about each other.

James

[unicornprincess29]

Hi Neil!

Both his parents are going back o/seas, so the plan with the furniture is that we can keep what we need and then sell the rest... so I keep saying we should sell as much as we can, because I think we need the money more than the furniture.

My BF hadn't spoken to his parents in around 6 months since they fought, and before that she was here for 6 months already, but before she came here, she did call him pretty much every second day.. sometimes even every day, so I think if anything initially she'll maybe call him once or twice a week, but as time goes on, it'll be every day again.

He didn't tell me there was a plan to see them regularly, but it eventually slipped out in conversation that he was seeing them again this Saturday... and as you can imagine, I'm already anxious about it given how things have been since last Saturday. Plus, I have a uni exam this Saturday as well so I'm sure that's making me anxious as well.

I have a really supportive family, so for example, after everything that happened on Saturday, I came home to have dinner with my family... just me without my BF, and in those couple of hours, it was like all the problems with my BF's family never happened. I was honestly just really happy for those couple of hours. Obviously, I don't mean to sound like my BF doesn't make me happy, because of course does, and like I've said before, he's very supportive and loving, but I think it's just currently with everything going on with his parents, it was nice to be away from it all for a while and to be able to enjoy my own family where there's none of that drama.

I used to play soccer which was my big release but I'm injured at the moment, so that sucks, but I always go to my BF's games on Saturday's which obviously isn't as good as playing, but it still helps me take my mind off things, plus I enjoy watching him play. Apart from that, I've also downloaded one of those adult colouring apps, which has been helping me a little with the anxiety. And my BF and I also have a tropical fish tank which is quite relaxing to just sit back and enjoy. So, I think I have a couple of things that help me cope, but sometimes I just can't help the anxiety/depression creeping in.