Boyfriend cheated.. accidentally?

[LUCIDFOX_X]

About 2 months ago my boyfriend cheated on me and kissed another girl in public at our local pub (lots of people saw it which is how I found out). When I confronted him about it he was honest straight away (& also said he was very drunk and regrets it massively), only he didn't tell me first, it went through about 5 different people before it got to me. When I asked him if he was ever going to tell me he said "I don't know" which is a bit concerning. Wrong answer. Regardless, I stayed with him. Over the past 2 months he hasn't really done anything to justify my distrust, yet I still find myself snooping on his laptop and phone to make sure I'm not going to be hurt again. I've seen some pretty disturbing images of him with girls, including the girl that he kissed at the pub.. It makes me very sad. We are practically living together, adore the hell out of each other, but he has a history of cheating. I don't have a very solid relationship with my parents, especially my mother, and I've lost 4 of my closest friends over staying with him, which doesn't bother me too much I don't think as they did say "If you don't dump him we will be angry with you" & "We don't support you in this" which isn't typically something that "friends" do... Plus they've been treating me quite badly since the start of the year so, not a major loss I don't think. Aside from that I'm not sure what to do. I'm so scared that he will cheat again but I feel like the only option I have is to just wait and see... Which is hard because he's probably the closest person I have in my life at the moment.

[james1]

Hello E,

I'm glad to hear you found it comforting to hear a similar story to yours. I'm 25 now and been in a relationship from 15-18, 20-24 and now again since April. In all those years, I have to say that I've also pushed myself to the limit for them yet always still been afraid of 'something going wrong'.

Perhaps that's what being very empathetic means. Not only are we good at detecting small changes in how someone feels, but sometimes we can read a bit too much into things.

I don't know if these are things you do as well, but it does lead me to a similar place of feeling very alone and getting pretty down on myself.

I've tried more recently to go by the idea of going by what feels important to me. If you are afraid of being hurt like that again, it is true that a lot of that is going to do with how you cope with things, but he also has a part to play in making sure you feel comfortable and secure in your relationship. Digging up the past or not, your relationship depends on trust and while time helps, honesty is what starts the trust-building process.

If he doesn't take well to how you are feeling at the moment, that is honestly his loss. Easy for me to say, but he stuffed up and he can't expect you to just trust him again straight away.

James

[LUCIDFOX_X]

Hi James,

Long term relationships huh? All of mine have been short term and I have (twice) dated a guy who has lied to me about having a girlfriend. One of them he was actually with his gf of 4 years while he was seeing me (I had no idea) I only found out about her when he went back home to America.
Yeah, being the empathetic partner is always tough. It doesn't get easier.

I'm trying my best to go with it, I realised the other day that I actually haven't given myself a chance to learn to trust him again considering I just keep snooping on his laptop & phone...
It's tough to trust him just because he has a history. I mean at the end of the day, he seems as though he is trying and at least he didn't sleep with her.

I'm not sure if it is worth bringing up with that sort of confrontation but it's definitely something I will need to address (Break-up Plan B, what if something goes wrong?) because I'll be officially moved in with him by the end of next week.

E

[james1]

Hey E,

You've got some pretty bad luck, hey? That's rough 😞

Yeah it's very hard to just let it slide without wanting to check what he's actually been saying or doing, especially given his history. But, and I don't mean this in any bad way, it's never something that we can 100% check. No matter how much checking we do, there's always ways around it. So building trust again is super important because we'll always be afraid of something happening behind our backs.

Definitely something to think about for yourself if you are moving in together. That's a pretty significant move and you don't want stuff hovering over too much. We can see it's really troubling you at the moment but it sounds like you're not sure what you'd even say at the moment, is that right? That's okay. You have time to bring it up and sometimes time can help us clarify what it is we really want to say or do.

But yeah, I am a bit surprised that he did this and didn't own up to it given you're also just about to move in together. That sounds like it'd be confusing for you.

James

[geoff]

hi E, I'm pleased James has been replying to and from to you with some great advice, so I don't particularly want to interfere, the only thing I want to say is that perhaps it might be a good idea to try and speak to him before you move in together.
The conversation doesn't have to be about the whole situation if you don't feel comfortable about it, perhaps try and make a general rule that the two of you have to abide by, so if this happens then some trust can start once again. Geoff.