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Boyfriend caught sending messages on Craiglist

CHAINreaction
Community Member

Hi,

About me. I'm 35, with two kids to a previous relationship. My ex cheated on me with someone at his work. I left him two years ago and eventually fell into a relationship with my old highschool sweetheart.

It's been a tough two years. We have had issues with him gambling. I have trust issues for good reason and recently found out my new partner over our two years was frequenting Craigslist M4m (men for men) ads and sending messages to men about him being a first time curious man. I first caught him out in October last year while naughtily looking in his phone. We had a blow up about it to which he stated it only happened once and he doesn't know why, he is not gay, never followed through with it, not attracted to men at all etc etc. I forgave him and swept it under the carpet. 2 days ago I went through his google account to find although he hasn't looked at any more ads from what I can tell, his history of Craigslist actually goes back throughout our entire relationship with him not once truing to hook up but on about 10 occasions.

To spice things up last year I sent him a pic of me nude. I requested he send one back and he did. But when I went through his Craigslist messages I see he didn't just send the nude to me he sent the same one to some guy on Craig list.

He looks up porn about 6 times a day and it's all male on female. So nothing to state he is gay. I guess I feel betrayed anyway and hurt he can't and won't tell me why he did this. Feels like our entire relationship has been a lie. I dont know what to do. I love him so much but I can't get past being lied to. Even if he never followed through the fact he can't tell me why he did what he did and wants to just move on like nothing happened..... It makes me feel so anxious and hurt.

I mean why message men if you're not into them and how can it not be heating even if he didn't follow through.

I'm an open person and dont care too much about porn but when he is visiting it six times a day and our sex life has dwindled to near non existent I the last month it hurts.

I don't want to lose him because I love him but I don't want to be a woman who just let's her man get away with being deceitful. How do I move on. Should I pull the pin on our relationship, have a time out. Me him get counselling so he can find a way to really tell me what's going on.

HHe said the past is the past and I should just move forward but I don't know how

6 Replies 6

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear CHAINreaction~

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Actually what comes across as important is not so much the porn, though that can't be dismissed, but the fact you are with someone who is not trying to look after you and his putting his own wishes first.

In any worthwhile relationship I think there has to love and trust and the knowledge that your partner really wants to look after you. You mentioned you had a previous relationship that ended because your ex was unfaithful. This will of course have had an enormous impact on you, not just the trust issues as you said, but probably doubts over self-worth and lots of related things.

Any partner worth their salt will not only know this but want to make you feel loved and secure. This simply is not happening. There is no way to feel secure when you are being consistently lied to and when your partner is making advances to others.

Saying he wants you to move on is realy to be expected, after all that means nothing changes. Comfortable for him, pretty devastating for you. The same problem continuing but sort of with your permission.

I guess there are really two issues. The most important would be - from my point of view - that fact your partner does not level with you and leads a separate life of his own, plus is failing to care for you.

The second is his liking for porn, involved with it so often each day and your sex life diminishing. Under difference circumstances if everything was open and above board I would try some sort of counseling -that's just me.

Unfortunately it is not open, and from what you say it is only through your actions the matter has come to light. One has to add to that the gambling you talked of before. This all looks like a long-term problem and I don't really know if he would change, and what would motivate him to do so - if anything. As the person on the spot who knows him I would imagine you are the best person to judge.

All I can add is gambling, and porn, can be addictive and may take specialist help to overcome.

Please feel you can come here and talk things over as often as you might like

Croix

Thank you so much for your reply.

We had a massive talk today and I hopefully made him see some sense. He is the one that bought up seeing a counsellor. I am. Hoping he can see just what he could be losing. Fingers crossed

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear CHAINreaction~

Thank you for your reply and I'm very pleased you have had that talk, perhaps you have been able to show him how much he is hurting you and falling down in his side of the partnership.

I'm a little confused at your last sentence, surely it is him that needs guidance and counseling? Maybe I've misunderstood.

Croix

What I meant was he bought up counselling for himself.... Not me. For us too if I wanted so we can work it out together. I made it very clear this is it no second chances. He must be loyal and honest and I won't allow it to happen again.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear CHAINreaction~

Thanks for the explanation, I really hope he is sincere. Actually if you were able to attend a session with him early on it might ensure the counselor had an accurate picture of how things have been.

Do you have anyone you feel can be a support at the moment? A family member or friend? Talk with someone who cares can help perspective and to some extent feeling alone.

Croix

Croix

Hello CHAINreaction, please let me also welcome you.

I've read everything from what you have said and also what Croix has replied back to you, so there is need to go over the points again, however I do want to make one point and that trust has been broken.

Perhaps if I can you an analogy, an example similar to what you are going through, you can love your dog but he doesn't suit where you live, he could be too big, barks too much and annoys the next door neighbours cat, needs too much exercise or chews too many clothes from the line.

What do you do, keep him, try and train him, give him plenty of exercise and make sure he doesn't go anywhere near the neighbour's cat or give him away.

A difficult decision to make, just like you have, you love him and want to go to counselling especially as he has suggested it.

My worry is will he change in 2 months time, stop his gambling, tell you the truth and be completely honest with you, I really hope this does happen and please make counselling available. Geoff.