Blindsiding separation, have kids, please advise.

boringusername

Dear good people of this forum,

I'm going through a trial separation of 4 weeks that I didn't see coming. It's the biggest shock in my life and I'm desperate for some advice. I have no illusion about the outcome, it will be a form of permanent separation but I'd like to know which one is best for the kids. Please hear me out!

A bit of context first. We both don't work and lead a relatively frugal lifestyle. We decided to step out of the workforce so we have more time for our kids' early childhood. We are living in a small part of her parents house, to save on living costs. She is the life architect of this family. She researches and plans everything, she homeschools the kids and takes them to homeschooling groups and plans holiday activities, etc.. I do all the housework: shopping, cooking/baking, cleaning but I do also chauffeur the kids to some of their activities, take them to doctors, put them to bed, look after them when they wake up in the night, etc.. Kind of a reverse role, as people have told me before, but I learned to live with it. We defaulted over the years to this arrangement because it was a clean separation of duties sparing us frequent decision making about who does what. It wasn't enough though, we still found ways to argue, too much recently.

I've been using the couch for 2 weeks, the kids have no clue about the separation. I feel drained and exhausted from the shock of the separation and its consequences. I'm breaking every day imagining how the kids will be affected. My youngest (6), who's been really stressed by our constant 'squabbles' before the separation told me several times she was worried about me 'unmarrying' her mum, something I never thought would happen, and I had sincerely promised her as much. Nothing destroys me more than the thought of the realization on her face as I break my word and she sees me for a liar for the rest of her life.

My wife seems fine. Hearing her having a good time with the kids in the next room while I'm just struggling to keep a face together is more than I can take some days. I don't feel able to be myself around the kids anymore either, they've started to notice my gloomier attitude and so I started avoiding being too long near them and that's killing me too.

My mind goes over this question a thousand times per day: is it better to leave and try to rebuild a life nearby? I have no job, I've been out of the workforce for 4 years, I don't own a house or a car. I have some savings but nothing that will last long in this expensive country. If I restart from scratch, I'll probably only get the weekend to see my girls, and they'll see me in my most exhausted state for half of it. I'll get to see 2/7 of their childhood at best. The thought of it is destroying me. Losing their mum felt like a torn limb, I can't imagine what it's going to feel like to actually be cut off my kids for 5 days a week. An absolute nightmare.

On the other hand, if we work out a way of cohabitating after separation, I'll get to see the kids, hear about their day everyday, be there when they need comfort, when they wake up in the night, I will still feel like part of their life. The problem will be running into my wife frequently, sharing the same kitchen, fridge, car (also belongs to her mum), it'll be a constant reminder of rejection, of how I'm not enough and not worthwhile to her, of the failed marriage, of the fact that I'm basically just a cheap live-in house helper now. I also absolutely don't want to witness her bringing in someone new and him cozying up to the kids, becoming their cool step-dad. Another nightmare that might push me off a bridge.

There is no good choice for me here, so what's best for the kids? Please share your wisdom.

TLDNR: Wife and I are trial separating under the same roof. I'm not living it well. It's going to be hard to see the kids if I leave and rebuild my life, and hard to be happy if I stay for co-parenting. Which is better for the kids long-term? Both depressing, for different reasons, to me. Please advise.

randomxx

So sorry op. But as to which is better, ldk man. Atm though one thing really important though is that you pucker up with your kids , treasure this time with them even if it's faking the mood bc at least your still in the same house.

For me staying as in my own case back when, it'd depend on how your and your wife can still exist like this. lf your both miserable and b@tching and especially if that's showing, terrible for your kids where as if you were both ok happy existing this way well, l'd go for that myself. Mind you if one one day starts seeing someone else then l'd draw the line right there.

Completely separate living you moving out, ldk man. So hard , been there but sometimes there's no choice. lf you do have to go that way though then lots of love for your kids and trying to be the best dad you can still be , does really help, at least.

Can l ask though, how do you think you and her would be getting along if you took a job instead now, went out to work. Could be your marriage might pick up and be ok. Pretty hard on you both being at home especially in the set up you have atm , would take it's toll on most for sure .

All the best , hang in there, think it all through.

rx

Summer Rose

Hello and welcome to the forum

I’m really sorry to hear of your marriage breakdown. It’s particularly difficult due to your living and financial situation I know.

I think that living together whilst separated is going to be really challenging long term, particularly as you are both at home 24/7 in a small space with two young children. I feel it may not take long before the situation becomes untenable for either you or your wife or both of you.

I think it would be prudent for you to gain some independence from your wife and in-laws now, while you still have the security of having a home.

I really like the idea of you seeking paid employment outside the home. This will give your wife and you both time and space to think, whilst giving you the opportunity to prepare for what might become your best option in time.
You obviously are a wonderful hands-on father and your absence in the home may give your wife pause to think about the effects of separation on both her and your children.

Have you talked with your in-laws? Given you’re living in their home they may be able to offer you some insight and advice that may be helpful.

Kind thoughts to you

boringusername

Thank you so much rx. I didn't expect to get as much relief from reading your answer and then I realized you're the first I shared this with, I can't talk about it to any family or friends. So thank you so much again for listening and sharing your advice.

I absolutely need to take a job again no matter the outcome. My wife, she hates the idea of work, of losing one's freedom and being subject to the corporate whims. She used to hate it when my attention went to my work and encouraged me to quit and focus on the family more. Four years ago, I left my work and moved countries to come to our present setup with low expenses and little income. Before that, I had reduced my work week to 4 days, and before that, when my two kids were born, I took 6 months leave twice to support my wife. I wasn't the absent husband but it was never enough. I don't think picking up work now is going to fix anything in my marriage, in fact it should make things worse if that's even possible, but I'm not trying to fix it. I just want to be able to organize a second home quickly for the kids should I find myself on the street. There are a couple of issues with finding work again though, aside from the 4 year gap in the resume. There are no jobs from my previous industry around me (I'm in a rural area) and I don't have a car to commute. So it'll have to be work from home, no escape...

As to current cohabitation, we're strictly observing a policy of no-argument in front of the kids, which is super tough for me because I'm in the dark as to her intentions and I can't help interpreting any written communication from her in the worst possibly way and I have to take the mental damage until clarification, if there is clarification. But the kids, aside from seeing me in a withdrawn mood, don't have the stress of live arguments anymore, so there's that at least.

Thanks rx. You are right, I will try to focus more on spending quality time with my kids. They're the only reason I'm not breaking down completely yet.

boringusername

Thank you so much for replying summer rose.

Financial independence from my wife is indeed something I have to seek immediately. As I explained to randomxx, I don't think I'll be able to work on site in the near future, it will have to be a work-from-home job to start, until I can afford a car. Currently, the car we have access to is used to take the kids to their activities and that's a priority.

As to in-laws, I can't talk to them. They're very kind people but they are still my wife's parents and I mentally put them on her side to avoid extra letdowns.

Thanks rose. I know I will read your reply again and again for support.

Summer Rose

Hello again

I can well understand your feeling that your wife’s parents will inevitably be on “her side”. And I suspect that’s true.

Having said that, I would hope they also know it’s not in the best interests of their grandchildren or their daughter for you to find yourself homeless and unemployed.

I think they could potentially help you in a few ways—if they have the means and heart.

For example, is there a spare bedroom in the house that you could use throughout the trial separation? Or, perhaps even longer if necessary? Could they loan you some money for a car? Do they have any connections to help you find work?

I’m sorry that all of this is happening and your family is overseas. I also moved countries for love and understand the sacrifices you have made. Hugs to you.

Perhaps your parents could provide some financial assistance?

I ask because a relatively small amount of money could make a big difference in terms of giving you options.

Kind thoughts to you

boringusername

I appreciate your thoughtful suggestions Rose.

Homeless and unemployed sums up my worst nightmares.

I believe my in-laws would help out with a spare bedroom but I can't ask for one now because we resolved not to disrupt the kids memories of Christmas. The room is not available anyway as family members are coming and staying over. Maybe after new year.

No help is however to be expected related to work connections. Completely different spheres of work. I'm just going to spend time contacting past colleagues, see if they can help. If that fails, it's going to be very hard to find a solution, I'm in the wrong spot of the world to resume my career.

As to a loan, I'll use up my retirement savings long before daring to ask for one. Nothing like money requests to break family ties, I've seen ugly stuff happen before.

Thanks rose, it really helps. I really need to start doing more practical thinking and less mourning. Hopefully I get a job and I can think from a less powerless position. I still don't know, what I will do even then, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it...

randomxx

Ht there op, hope your holding up and thx for the reply.

Mate l had to chuckle at your w's work ideas though sorry, she sounds like me. l worked for myself 99% bc l felt much the same but my rules- which were very few and my hrs , did help a lot. You came over from os though , man, that is a big thing especially now, so sorry it's come to where it has. lf it's any consolation my families huge and here but pretty useless anyway when l was going through all that but sometimes l think we're better off that way and with them out of it anyway unless we're lucky enough to have that rare one off special type family

At the same time with your w though, it's pretty unrealistic to isn't it not working, bc unfortunately can't live on love these days alone right.

Proud of you man with your kids anyway , well well done. l know how painfully hard it is. Could you guys possibly discuss later at night, that's what we did. Although my d could hear a pin drop through a 2ft brick wall anyway but it did help.

lf you can at all and believe me l know how it is, but try to just take things 1 or 2 steps a time for now. 1st of all you need some work, and some wheels, that's enough for now right,if you could possibly just try blocking the rest for now it might help.

Day ata time my friend eh.

rx

boringusername

If I secure a job and some wheels I could at least stop worrying about myself and be mentally healthier to make decisions about my kids, it makes complete sense.

Thanks rx. A day at a time it has been and will be for a while.

randomxx

Yeah that's the spirit op, hang in there you'd get this.