Betrayal and humiliation

tramezzini

When we first met, our values and morals were completely aligned. Our relationship felt strong, and we built a life together, raising children, sharing responsibilities, and supporting each other. I became runned down from things happening ,life and we talked about it , i didn’t feel like being intimate for a very long time, only on and offs.

The first serious betrayal happened in September, after a big fight. He had left for a week so we could get space.

Despite that, we continued our relationship. On 26/12, we were intimate. At times, I didn’t want sexual contact because I was tired or exhausted from work, family, and daily life, but I offered other forms of intimacy, which he declined. I felt sad that I couldn’t meet all his needs in the way he wanted, even though I was trying.

Then, a few days later, around 3/1, he went to sexual service again. This was shortly after we had spent time together and had been intimate. I discovered this by accident, and it felt like the trust I had was completely shattered. He admitted what he had done and expressed shame, taking responsibility for his actions, but he also said he didn’t know if he would have stopped if I hadn’t found out. That left me feeling scared that this pattern could continue.

He has said that he wanted closeness and intimacy, but still sought sexual services elsewhere. It’s hard to reconcile that he wanted connection with me but also chose secrecy and actions that hurt me.

We have also discussed how his behavior affects our relationship and the children, though they don’t yet know the details. It’s worrying to think about how this impacts their sense of security and trust. He has started taking on household chores and responsibilities for the kids on his own, which I notice.

After 9 years together, it’s hard to understand why these actions happened now. Our intimacy, values, and life together had been strong. Still, these behaviors emerged under stress, exhaustion, and other pressures, showing that patterns and choices sometimes override intentions.

This is the timeline of what has happened, how I felt, and the steps being taken to address it. I’m sharing this to be honest about the process, the hurt, and the attempts at accountability, while also acknowledging how complicated and confusing it all is.

what would you do?

Jessica_Cloud

Men need sex for the release, and it’s different for women. You two need to talk about how to fill each other’s need for intimacy (not just sexual intimacy). We all. Have a look into the 5 love languages and see if that helps. At the moment, you are both depleted emotionally and neither of you is filling the other’s tank, emotionally. I think his love language might be physical touch. Yours might be words of affirmation. I don’t know.

Herenow

Hi guest,

Sorry I may not be able to help much. I'm new here and you can read my thread elsewhere on this site. I'm also not sure exactly what other intimacy refers to (cuddles or other sexy activities) so not sure I'm reading your thread correctly. I'm on the opposite side of what's happening to you. It turns out my wife of 15 years has depression. Although I was still getting intimacy (sex) when I pushed hard enough for it you could tell she wasn't that into it. Looking back now I can see its 'obligation sex' - she's just doing it because she had to. Often I had enough and I'd just go and take care of it myself rather than push the issue. However that doesn't really help either as its mentally toxic and having an easy way out is also a way to avoid harder discussions. I regret taking that option every time but I'm stuck in that loop without more intimacy from wife.

I love my wife. I love my kids and family. I've always been very strict in my beliefs of trust, and responsibility and loyalty. But the lack of intimacy is killing me. I see beautiful people all around who look happy and I can't help but wish and dream to be with one. Even if it's just an hour. What is a short time for you might be 10 lifetimes for him. When my wife turns me away, I'm stuck asking is it me? Did I do something? Am I ugly? What did I do? How wonderful must it be to have someone who wants to touch me and play? Someone who tries to hold my hand, someone who says I love you and means it, someone who will dress nicely for me and wear sexy clothes.

I sit here fighting against my morals and beliefs every day. I didn't know life could get so ugly. I'm fighting against the same path your husband took every minute of every day. I don't know who's right anymore. I feel like you need to have a lot more discussions with your husband about this issue because I feel like some parts of where you think you understand each other its probably not an understanding at all. Is the closeness and intimacy you offer the same as the closeness and intimacy he needs? Are you even talking about the same thing? How long is long exactly? For me a week is 2 lifetimes. I can say that lack of intimacy is absolutely 100% destructive to a relationship.

As much as I condemn with your husbands behaviour, I see myself about to end up in the same place. Sorry - I can't help much I can only offer a view from the other side. Good luck.

tramezzini

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I genuinely hear the pain and loneliness you’re describing, and I agree that lack of closeness can be very damaging in a long-term relationship.

I also want to clarify my situation a bit, because it’s not quite the same. I have two young children in early primary school. After giving birth, returning to full-time work, and managing most of the daily responsibilities — school routines, sickness, meals, cleaning, and logistics — I was often exhausted. I’ll be honest and say I wasn’t in the headspace for closeness every day. That part is true.

That said, I wasn’t withdrawing completely or shutting him out. I tried to talk about it, suggested getting a babysitter so we could reconnect, and offered closeness at home. We did reconnect at times, including recently.

There was a major fallout in September, and during that time we were living separately for a week or two. During that period, he went twice to this service. While that hurt deeply, I could at least see the context of conflict and distance.

What I’m struggling to understand is January. There were no fights. We had reconnected and been close just a week earlier. Yet he still went again, secretly. That’s what feels shocking and hard to reconcile.

I agree that mismatched needs can create real strain, but I’m trying to understand how this choice fits when closeness had already resumed and things were calmer. If you have insight into that, I’d genuinely appreciate hearing it.

tramezzini

I understand the point you’re making, and I agree that men and women can experience closeness and release differently, and that emotional and physical needs both matter in a relationship. I also agree that emotional tanks can get depleted on both sides, especially during stressful seasons.

That said, what I’m struggling with isn’t just a mismatch of love languages or unmet needs. We did talk. I didn’t shut down communication. I suggested ways to reconnect, including childcare so we could focus on each other, and I offered closeness at home. We had been intimate again recently.

What’s difficult to reconcile is that this wasn’t a one-off or only during conflict. It happened multiple times over months, including very recently when there was no fight and closeness had resumed. It was planned and kept secret.

I agree that understanding each other’s needs and love languages is important going forward, but I don’t think it fully explains repeated secret behavior rather than addressing those needs openly within the relationship. That’s the part I’m trying to understand.

Herenow

Hi Tramezzini,

I wish I could provide insight into January. I can't. I don't know how deep the issues run but if they have taken years to build up they will also take a long time to fix. It could be too early to pull the pin based on a single recent incident. Maybe the issue wasn't as resolved as you think it was? Maybe he just doesn't care anymore. I don't know. I think you need to talk more and understand more. Hopefully some deeper discussions and talking will help you find the answers you need. Good luck.

tramezzini

Hi Herenow,

I didn’t know about what happened in September until I discovered everything in January. Finding out months later, by accident, changed everything for me. And to be clear, it isn’t just the act itself that feels appalling or shocking — it’s the betrayal, the secrecy, and the deep sense of being humiliated by someone I trusted completely.

He says he kept asking and that he felt rejected, but we did talk about it. I didn’t refuse discussion or pretend nothing was wrong. I acknowledged that I was exhausted and not always in the headspace for closeness, but I also tried to address it. I suggested ways to reconnect, including practical support, and I was clear that if he was genuinely unhappy or felt he couldn’t continue in the relationship, he was free to leave — and then do whatever he wanted.

What hurts most is that instead of making that choice, he stayed, reassured me, and continued to live as a family, while privately doing something that crossed a boundary he knew would destroy my trust. That secrecy is what makes this so painful. It wasn’t honest, and it wasn’t unavoidable.

There are also children in this picture. Every choice affects the safety and stability of their home, even if they don’t know the details. Deception, emotional instability, and broken trust don’t exist in a vacuum — they shape the environment children grow up in. That responsibility makes this feel even heavier.

I can understand loneliness, frustration, and unmet needs. What I’m struggling with is how those feelings turned into repeated hidden behaviour rather than openness, responsibility, or a decision to step away. That choice is what I’m trying to process now.

Mudcakes

It honestly sucks and I can hear the trust is broken. From my understanding, could he not have just pleasured himself? There is no need to hurt you. If he felt he needed it like medically for release he should have spoken to you about it.

tramezzini

Mudcake:

i agree. This behaviour is not normal for him. It happened during that bad time- unfortunately once the barrier was passed it was probably easier to go back.. lucky i found out… sometimes i feel like i wish i wouldn’t have found out…

Herenow

Hi Tramezzini,

I'm sorry you were so hurt - all the best. I don't know the ins and outs of what happened so I couldn't agree or refute what you have said about the situation. However playing the devils advocate probably comes easy to me right now due to my own mind-frame.

It's easy to say; but I think you should cross off humiliation from your list. I don't think he did this deliberately to humiliate you and if this stays between you and him then I think that's different compared to if the whole world knows... He certainly did betray your trust severely and cause massive pain. Ironically - he might have just trying to keep his whole world together in a way that worked as it sounds like he also doesn't want to live without you and the family.

Again - I don't know the truth behind this and I could be completely off target but in your second paragraph: 'discussion'... 'acknowledged'... 'tried to address'... 'suggested'... none of those words sounds like 'sex' to me.

Then you talk about the children. That's a very valid concern and I agree 100% with everything you said. But I didn't get married to come second to my children. I know the french raise their children differently to how we do - basically they just go about their life and kids are expected to tag along. Here we glorify the children and make everything about them. The younger of my children is very gifted at sports - to the point he could easily make a career of it. He also has (undiagnosed) ADHD and anxiety. Somehow the whole house has come to orbit around him. I find myself in 4th priority in the family after 'the king' then the second child, and the wife looking after herself. As I said before - and maybe it was naive but I didn't get married to come last in this household. Then the devil starts speaking to me: 'if she doesn't care why should you?' ' Couldn't you just make both worlds work?' 'Many people take secrets to the grave' 'Will she (or I) really be happier separated or is it better to just find a workaround?' 'Many years ago she did say 'I don't ever want to find out you cheated - how literally does / did she mean that?' 'How will I find money for two households (rather than one)?' 'She'll leave me with the kids - I get no sex, have to deal with the kids, and also how will I work and live? I might as well just call it a day on life before that happens but then I know she can't manage the kids on her own either and I feel sorry for her too.'

Years ago I would have lined up at your house with a pitchfork on your side but now I just don't know anymore.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm attacking you. I certainly don't mean it that way and I wish you all the best. My only suggestion is to have deep conversations and make sure that the message you received with what he said is the message he was sending when he said it. It's very easy to put your own interpretation on anything said which may vary from what was actually intended.

Somebody above said something about him taking care of himself. I have done that. It's not the same because there's no intimacy. Like any drug you end up needing stronger doses each time for the same kick and I don't like where this is going. It's a dark path and I want to get off it before I go further down this track. It's not the answer.

Any habit can be addictive and he might just be heading down a different dark path and as you said once the barrier is broken its always easier to continue. To get off that path is going to take a lot of effort on your part as well.

Or - he might just be a @#$% and you should just leave.

I don't know. Sorry - good luck.