Being ignored and put down

[Niks85]

Hi there

Thanks heaps for listening. My husband and I have been through alot together but this past year has been unbearable. He used to be very loving and supportive of me but that all changed when he found out he couldn't have kids. We both had counselling and decided we would do Ivf using a donor. Now we have a gorgeous little girl and he does seem to love her. Last year his company folded because of Covid and now he's just not the same person. I've tried to talk to him but he is the most stubborn man Ive ever known. He has always liked his own space which I always give him but lately it's like he just wants to be alone all the time. He ignores me and puts me down it's like I'm being punished. He doesn't believe in counselling. I'm busy looking for voluntary and paid work we just moved to the country so I can keep busy. I actually can't bare his company and I definitely don't feel loved. I have thought about leaving but I have nowhere to go. What do you do in this situation? My mum and dad came to visit us the other day and they commented on his behaviour too it was like he wanted them to leave. I'm unhappy and stuck at the same time. Any advice appreciated thanks N.

[geoff]

Hello Nik, when being in love with someone suddenly turns to 'caring' for them, then it takes an enormous effort to feel that love again, and maybe impossible.

Geoff.

[Niks85]

Hi Geoff

You are right there. I'm thinking of speaking to a psychologist about what I should do and how to approach the situation. I think if he knew I wanted to leave he might make the effort and if he doesn't then I know. There's a large part of me that wants to work it out especially for our daughter. I also know some people won't change. He never used to be like this though. He was very loving up until a year ago ..now he just wants to be left alone all the time and speaks to me like I'm dirt. There's moments he can still be nice but then he will just go back to being negative. He told me we not having more kids which I agreed to, I've lost friends he didn't like which is my fault too I should have chosen my friends. He's called my brother a waster which really upset me and said he can only handle my mum in small doses which really upset me because I'm very close to my mum. In saying all of this he supported me for years while I struggled with my mental health. I'm good now and if it wasn't for him I might not be. So I'm very torn this is happening. I asked him if he was happy in the relationship about a month ago and he just said yeah why then took off to the kitchen. I feel like I'm banging my head on a brick wall. He has become so emotionally detached. I know I need to get back to work which I'm working towards. I've applied for voluntary work aswell to keep busy. Least I have my daughter so grateful I have her.

Thanks for listening Nik

[Guest_3256]

Hi Niks85.

I'd like to add to your situation from a different perspective. You mentioned that this is a recent change.....your Hubby was not like this about a year ago, you also mentioned that it may be because of not being able to provide a natural birth and that Covid affected his bread and butter. You could be right on the mark with this one because we need to have a better understanding of they why. Why has he changed, why does he feel this way, why is he not meeting your current emotional needs. Fair and good questions to ask.

Sometimes, we must understand that relationships are very dynamic because they are based on experiences and how we feel about them.

[geoff]

Hello Niks, for all of us having to go through COVID with all of these lockdowns has changed so many relationships, all in different ways, being stuck at home with the person we live with, not being able to socialise and any problems that once existed and not being resolved, only seem to double in magnitude and one of these is that your husband can't have any children can quite easily change a loving r/lationship into a caring one or even that you no longer want to be with him any more.

Whatever else he has said, he now makes a comment about your mum and this would certainly alter how you feel about him, just as him not liking any of your friends so each day different comments are made that seem to push you away from him and is going to affect how you are feeling and respond to any of his demands.

Your daughter would be noticing the change in him and maybe asking you questions but you can't hide your feelings because she will know that something isn't right, so express your thoughts because this will teach her not to hide how she is feeling on any occasion and very important for communication.

My best.

Geoff.