Bad breakup

[Larni18]

I was dating a guy for 4 months. I thought we were both very in love, we hardly ever fought and he usually treated me very well- he seemed like such a decent guy. He spent so much time with me and my family and I really took care of him- I did everything I could to make him happy. We started fighting about ten days before we broke up and he was talking to me like crap. A girl contacted me last week to say she had been seeing him and she wanted to know if we were still together- we were. I sent him some angry texts and a voicemail and then proceeded to block him on everything. The girl wanted proof- she then proceeded to say he told her we were broken up (he said 3 months ago and then 2 months ago) but I had photos with time stamps of less than a month ago. She called me a psycho and a liar, said I had no proof. I told her to have him but she wouldn’t leave me alone so I blocked her too. I’m so crushed and still shocked at how different he was in reality to who I thought he was. I’m desperate to talk to him but I know he would only use it against me, it will make things worse and it will prolong my recovery.
Does anyone have a past experience or advice to share? I wonder why he cheated (he was on tinder the whole time and there was multiple girls and they were like shorter relationships than ours but still not just sex), because I know I deserve better but it still feels so awful.
Oh also, obviously it was a lie as he was saying it to others but he would frequently say he loved me so much and that he wanted to spend his life with me. He would get upset and just about cry if we argued and say he was scared he was “going to lose me” or that I would break up with me. It just makes no sense to me. He also would talk about how he had been cheating on so he would never ever do it. What kind of person could lie so much and for what purpose? He obviously didn’t really want to be with me.

[Beans17]

Hey, this is the first time I’m posting in here so I hope I do it right!

firstly, what an asshole. He probably did like you but also liked others by the sound of it. If he’s not willing to be exclusive he’s not worth your time.

I was seeing a guy for 2 months who seemed perfect. I opened up to him

and he used all my insecurities against me. Some people are just not very nice. Not as nice as they first seem anyway.

I hope you’re ok

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Larni,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.

I msut say, when I read your post, I thought 'Holy crap, yeah, I know what that is like'. I too was cheated on by a man I loved so very much, and in fact we were engaged to be married. He had this 'friendship' with this other woman, and I KNEW it was more than just friends. I just knew it. Deep down in my soul, I knew. And time and again I asked him about it and time and time again he denied it.

Until the day came that I actually caught them in the act, in the home that he and I shared. I had gone home for lunch, on the very first day of a brand new job I had started, to surprise him for lunch, and yeah .... I surprised him alright! Surprised the both of them!

The thing is ...... hindsight is a funny thing isn't it, because I had known he was a 'playboy' before we even got together, but I naively thought that I could change him. That 'I' would be the one person that was 'enough' for him ...... but really it wasn't about me at all. It was about HIS lack of ability and willingness to be faithful and honest.

Today, we are still friends. But I can see clearly his struggle to be the man he 'wants' to be, rather than the man that he is. He seems to have this fantasy of how a relationship 'should' be, rather than what a relationship actually is ..... and that is that all relationships ebb and flow, and perhaps the strength in the couple is their combined ability to ride the waves and troughs as they come, rather than to just go chasing the 'greener grass down the road' so to speak.

I don't know, I'm certainly no relationship expert ...... but I do like to think that I at least know how to be honest and loyal to my partner. And I am much better, these days, at spotting a 'playboy'.

Anyway, I don't know if that helps at all? I do hope that you can move past this, and use the experience for the good of your future relationships.

Take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo

[Larni18]

Thank you, yeah you’re totally right he’s an asshole. It’s gonna take a long time but I think I’ll be ok.

[Larni18]

Thanks for sharing your story. Mine was a case of shock because my ex partner always acted like he was a one girl only type of guy but that was clearly part of his game. I’m sorry to hear that happened to you and I hope you found/ find someone much better.

[Guest_3256]

Hi Larni18.

What a shocking thing to experience.
Some people are absolute rubbish bins - him included.
Soberlicious96 has made some good pints I must add.
It does really comes down to who he is as a person i.e. morals, values and self-compassion - he has none of these and from the sounds of it, possibly a Narcissistic person at heart - all about me me me me!
And correct me if I am wrong, he wasn't just cheating with one person but with several?
This guy may have some borderline issues, be mentally unstable with uncontrollable and irresponsible behaviour - who knows.

You need to understand though that you are a kind hearted and decent person with all the good things that he hasn't got, the total opposite to who he is.Know that it's defiantly not you - it's him. It's all about his destructive behaviour which means he will most likely live a destructive unbalanced and unhealthy lifestyle. You defiantly don't need that inconsistency in your life, you're better than that. Whether he had past trauma, or what ever may be causing this guy to act this way, it's unacceptable behavior and you don't need to tolerate it. He doesn't deserve to be with a person like you. As much as it will hurt, lift your chin up and tell yourself every day that you deserve greatness and love.

Be strong, be brave.

[Larni18]

Hi,

firstly thanks so much for your response. As he was on tinder the whole time and only seeing the current one for the past couple of weeks and another girl came forward saying they hung out earlier in our relationship evidence suggests it was multiple girls.
It probably sounds terrible but I can’t help but wish a poor future on him even though that goes against everything I believe in, he just hurt me so badly.

I will keep trying though, like I always do and get through it. Thanks again.