at a crossroads. My dreams and happiness slipping away.

steviewonder87 · ‎25-10-2015

hello everything its very nice and honour to meet you all.

Pretty much my whole life I have been a very shy and very quiet type of person. Perhaps indeed have got social anxiety and I did go and join a group to help with that and I was able through that to make some changes in my life and things did improve slightly for me but my personality still remains that of being shy and quiet around anyone that includes even at times when with my extended family. Through it all though I have tried to remain positive and had goals and dreams and my big goal and dream is to find someone special. A partner who I can build a life with and get married and have kids with. That's what I want more than anything in this world. I give up anything for that. Last couple years got the chance to be able to go out with girls. My longest relationship was over a year and I really thought at the time I found some special. But we had disagreements at times. She brought up a lot of things I wasn't doing for her and though they were really hurtful things to me and not to her she was just telling the truth fact I can look back and can see some of the hard truths she made perhaps were right. I think end of the day she couldn't accept me for the person I am and to me that's the big thing for me. I would accept anyone for the person they are and I only ask in return that they do the same for me. I just feel though there no one really out there who going to really do that for me. Accept me for the person I am. Can I sit here and say im happy with who I am and how my life is atm I really think I am at the point of where its hard for me to know anymore. And now sometimes its hard as I watch and see everyone else around me now living in happiness. Family members and friends now married with kids exactly what I want more than anything a part of me now just cant help but feel sad and hurt because I just wonder now if I can really have that.

My family and my friends would say and I know deep down within myself I am a great, genuine, down the earth guy who can make someone happy. Im a good listener and I be there no matter what for anyone through good times and bad. Just don't want to loss faith cause I truly believe in my heart and have faith that there is someone out there who be with me for me and love me for me.

I can see where exactly I want to be.

I just cant see how I am to get there.

Thanks for giving me the chance to tell my story. Any thoughts or help would mean a lot

White_Rose · ‎25-10-2015

Hello Stevie

Thank you for telling us your story and welcome to Beyond Blue. I think finding a life partner is the goal for all of us. And it's a great ambition. Tell me, if you would like to, what do you do with your life. I presume you have a job. What do you do for a crust? Before I retired I worked in human resource management and I enjoyed my work. Do you like what you do?

Do you have hobbies/sports/other activities away from work? I am asking these questions because I wonder if you are concentrating only on finding a partner. While it's great to look for someone it can narrow you down as a person to have nothing else to offer. Being a good listener is fantastic, being quiet and shy is fine. Many women are happy with a quiet guy. What do you talk about to your girlfriends? Where do you go for entertainment?

You said your girlfriend explained some hard truths to you which hurt, although in retrospect you can see the validity of these comments. Has this made you change in any way. Accepting people for what they are is lovely. And I agree with you. On the other hand if you were a bad tempered person why would someone want to accept that part of you. Do you see what I am getting at. We can all make ourselves better people, kinder, more interesting etc without losing the essential person we are.

This is what marriage is all about. The old joke about one partner squeezing the toothpaste from the bottom and the other squeezing from the top is valid. It often is the small things that annoy each other when you live together.There is a difference between expecting someone to completely change their personality to comply with the other person's wishes and being willing to adjust to each other. I hope you can get what I am trying to say.

So can I suggest you think about those things your GF described to understand if some of them are just habits or deeply held parts of your character.

Look forward to your comments.

Mary

Resiliance · ‎25-10-2015

Somebody told me today to "live in the moment" and "take it one step at a time". I am going to pass on that measage to you. Sometimes we are so caught up in the future that we dont focus on the here and now. I know i am like that. I worry a lot about the future. All my anxiety and depression stems from not beng able to live in the moment. I think that is how we have been nourished.. To worry about tomorrow. I can see youre sad and upset and maybe your faith is broken but write down everything that is "okay" right now. Hows your health? Hows the weather? Do you feel hot or cold? Are you hungry? I hope I have been of some help 🙂 i hope you feel better 🙂

pipsy · ‎26-10-2015

Hi steviewonder. I'm inclined to fully agree with Resiliant. Years ago I was in a relationship with a guy (it turned out we were wrong for each other). The point I'm going to make is, I was always worried about money. I worried about how much we had/didn't have. Would we be able to pay rent (we always did), could we buy food (we did). My partner, at the time, eventually complained about how boring I was. My whole existence centred on money. We split up after a couple of years. I eventually married (that ended in divorce), but I digress. I'm married now and my present husband is exactly the same as I was, worried about money. He's been told several times we're better off than most people, but no matter how many times he's told, he worries. I guess it's his nature. I've learnt to accept that part of him and 'do' my own thing. His conversation is boring as it's 'money', I usually 'switch off' as I've heard it so many times, I know exactly what he's going to say. I think when we're focused on one thing all the time, it's hard to think outside the square if we're not taught to value each moment. I've learnt to value whatever life I have and enjoy myself. You can't take money with you, so buy what you need when the need arises. Learn from past mistakes. There's another saying: money can't buy happiness. There are so many ways to enjoy life.

Hope I've helped.

steviewonder87 · ‎26-10-2015

Had time to reflect a bit and someone I know really hit home that I shouldn't be worrying about trying so hard to have my dream of finding someone special come true and should just let it happen when it does. This actually came from a girl. Girl who in fact was the first girl I ever went on a date with. We went out about12 times in period of 8 months but she made the decision at the time she felt we only be friends. And though I took it hard I can look back now and understand where she was coming from. And for me I was in new territory for sure. I didn't know how to do all the proper things one does when going out with a girl and dating a girl. However since then and having had gone out with couple girls after that and getting more experience and confidence no doubt I look back now and know I do things differently if given another chance with her and the truth is that is now actually positive. Through it all we stayed good friends and texted each other to the point now we text message every night. I got to see her twice thus far one was a nice catch up at a café which was actually not too long after I had just had my one year relationship end and she was there wanting to listen and let me tell my story of what went wrong and to help which meant a lot. And then last time we saw each other went to the movies. Hoping to meet up again very soon but the fact is I get the sense that she really wants to see if there is more than friendship that can blossom between us. Like atm she likes me but as a friend. For me I feel the same but then again I have deep down had I would say feeling for her even going back to when we first met. I really am hoping that maybe she is the one. She does like me for who I am I know doubt. I just wonder though how long before do I act on perhaps the feeling I have if get stronger to the point where I want to kiss her how long though cause I don't want to do it and it be a mistake that causes things to be complicated. I want it to be perfect. I want it to be a special moment where it feels right. Where she likes it and is glad I did it. I know its about taking the risk but again I just want it to be right. We both agree we not going to rush this. We going to take our time and see what happens. For me and her its bout us seeing each other and enjoying time together. Having fun together. And if it becomes more serious and a relationship that be amazing but if not we stay these good friends im ok with that. Time will tell I guess

pipsy · ‎27-10-2015

Dear stevie. One other thing I'd like to say to you about relationships, if I may be so bold. When we're looking for that someone 'special', it doesn't usually happen. We're looking so earnestly, we forget to loosen up and enjoy life. Once we stop looking, that's usually when it happens. However, having said that, it still pays to be careful before jumping into any relationship. Friendships can lead to permanent relationships, but not every time. When you 'kiss' it'll be 'right' for both of you, this happens naturally. Don't rush, be happy for the friendship, build it slowly. If it doesn't happen it'll be because it's not right, not necessarily because she doesn't 'like' you in that way. Like doesn't always mature into love. Love takes time and patience. Everyone wants to be loved and this may be your 'time', however, if it isn't, don't be bitter, or angry. Try to work on the friendship first. That's important too.

Best of luck, whatever happens.