Are they really always cheaters?

[luckyl]

On the weekend a found out that my fiance had an affair. He's been working away and he told me that in the last five days he slept with the same girl a few times. We've been together for quite a few years and I still really love him. We've decided to go on a break for a while and see if we still feel anything for each other but despite how much hurt I feel I still love him.

Am I crazy for believing that this is a one time thing that will never happen again? That is was just a lapse in judgement?

He's always made me so happy and made me feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world. I still love him so much and while my family is trying to be supportive of me they're saying things like "once a cheater always a cheater" and "you're so much better off without him" and it's really messing with me mentally.

What I really want to know is, am I crazy for wanting to give him a second chance...? ...Or are they always cheaters?

[quirkywords]

Lucky,

Welcome to the forum. You ask a very interesting question in your topic but I think only you know the answer or only you can answer it.

Only you know what behaviour in your partner you will tolerate. Only you know if he explained why ,or if he was sorry, or if he did not think it was a big deal.

I know people who have got back together after an infidelity , and I was told the hardest part is learning to trust again and for the person who was unfaithful, it is not being trusted .

You are probably quite raw and fragile at the moment so you need time to think, later to talk to your partner, and to work out what you want and what behaviour you want in the future.

These are just my suggestions and thoughts and you may disagree.

Quirky

[GemAndLogan]

Hi Lucky,

Welcome and as quirky said, a very interesting question .

I agree with quirkys comment, only you can decide if you are able to trust your partner again and get through this with him. No one can tell you what the right choice is. It may seem like vague advice but it really is true

I was cheated on by my partner of 8 years a couple of years ago, we tried to make our relationship work after I found out but for me the trust was gone and it was never coming back. I now have an amazing partner and it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. That was the best choice for me.

Definitely give yourself some time to process this, take all the time you want/ need and give yourself a break. Surround yourself with supportive people if possible. Support is always given here too : )

All the best and take care of yourself

Gem

[white knight]

Hi Lucky, welcome

Great responses by Quirky and Gem

I'm concerned about your family knowing. For example, if you decide to stay together and you personally can forgive him and see how it goes, your family obviously have made up their mind. This will put pressure on you both. That's not good.

To me it is a personal decision and a personal topic that shouldn't be spread regardless of you wanting/needing support. I guess you are fairly young, a couple in their 40's are likely to keep it to themselves for those reasons. Just keep that in mind.

We've had this situation on the forum before and most people believe like Gem that the trust is gone and it wont return. At the moment you say you love him, but that doesn't mean he loves you enough to not betray you. I find that is the problem.

Gem said she met another guy and is so much happier. I haven't been betrayed with an affair but after 4 long relationships the first 3 failed, I can tell you honestly that you do end up meeting another person that you can trust more and are often happier, why is it so? Because every failed relationship is experience and tests that you don't fail twice.

Good luck and remember if you are depressed about things you can come on here and continue this thread of start another.

Tony WK

[Juliet_84]

Hi Lucky,

I believe that phrases such as “once a cheater always a cheater” is a very black and white way of looking at the world, when in reality the world is made up of shades of grey. I don’t believe that all people that cheat are “cheaters”. I think that some people are lonely, others have been mistreated by their partners and crave human affection, and others may be perfectly happy and cheat for other reasons. In short, there are a number of reasons underlying why people cheat. I think it’s important that you get to the “why” of why he did what he did. If he can’t offer a satisfactory explanation, or something that sits well, I’d find it hard to convince myself that it’s a one-off. I think that you just have to listen to your gut on this one. I don’t know how soon until you get married, but I think you need some time to figure out what it is that you want. I do also agree with Tony that I think you should limit what you tell your family. I understand that you want to get comfort from your family and you’re also angry at your partner right now, but if you two do decide to work it out, it may create problems between your family and your fiancée in future, which isn’t a good start.

[geoff]

Hello Luckyl, can I also welcome you.

I'm sure this must have been a shock so can I ask you a question, you say you definitely love him, but how would you feel when he goes away again.

People have affairs, is it because they are lonely and want to talk to somebody else, well we all do this and there is nothing wrong with that, we encourage it, but when the trust has been broken, you have to decide whether or not your future husband is going to continue working away and you're comfortable with that.

Being separated you maybe feeling anxious, depressed being caught up in the middle of what your family says, what you are thinking and what your finance says.

So are you able to trust him once again, as Tony says 'every failed relationship is an experience you don't fail twice.

Good luck.

Geoff.

[Ruby__2]

Lucky welcome and kudos for reaching out.

I agree with Tony .Be careful whom you tell until you reach a definite decision. Above all protect yourself. I have been married for 32yrs and have just found out that he has betrayed me and there is no going back.You.

must determine what you will tolerate.Set realistic boundaries for him and act if they are breached .Your GP may be the best place to start.You can get 10 free psychologist sessions a year. They are there for you to live your best life-take the advantage. Your children will thank you one day.Take care ,put yourself first.xx

.

[Bettina61]

I’ve always been happy until recently when i found out my husband of 30 years had been seeing another woman for the last 3 years. He is a fantastic liar. I found out when he tried to end it and the other woman contacted me and made him tell me about it. He was hoping to end it without me finding out. He was extremely remorseful and for 5 months has managed to be the perfect husband for the first time in our married life. I have the same problem as luckyl, ie, not sure if I have made the right decision to stay with him. He seems to be a changed man, and on the one hand I want to believe he will stay faithful from now on, as I am happy with him. But there is also that constant worry, sadness and mistrust present, which makes me wonder whether starting over with someone trustworthy and honest might not be better. At 56, I wonder how easy it would be to find someone else anyway. I made the mistake of telling way too many people when I first found out and I was sure I wouldn’t accept him back. Now all my friends know about it, which I truly regret. I wish I could forget about what he did and understand and forgive it, and move on, and give him another chance. I thought time might heal, but i find it doesn’t get any easier as time goes on, I still keep thinking about all the times he was with her and what they did together, and the lies he told me, etc. I’d Like to hear from people who stayed with their cheating husbands, and made the right decision.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Bettina,

I’m sorry that no one has written back to you here, I’ve just seen this post and I think that you may get more people see your situation and respond if you create your own post?