Anyone else get overly attached to someone they haven’t known for long when depressed
Hello Cabbage Patch Kid
Welcome again. I've responded to one of your other posts under depression. It might be good to try to keep to the one thread Cabbage Patch Kid. It helps to get the best support you need as the people responding will get a better picture of your story.
So am I right that you think when you get depressed you attach yourself to guys. You say this is irrational. What makes you think that?
Relationship breakups are horrible and that feeling of devastation is normal. I used to be the same before I met my partner. Always thought how terrible I was, that I wasn't good enough, that I was to clingy. What is it that makes you think scares guys away?
Keep reaching out Kid if and when you want to. You're not alone.
Hello Cabbage Patch Kid, I think this happens quite a lot, people who are depressed seek out someone from the opposite sex and hope they can help them, but when nothing does happen and the person you have attached yourself to only wants to be satisfied in return, the relationship is not going to work out.
The feelings you are going to get are loneliness, anger, grief, and disappointment and I'm sorry this is adding on to how you were feeling beforehand and perhaps making you feel worse.
Can I suggest that instead of attaching yourself to someone hoping they will be the magical cure that you contact
You need to look after yourself
I haven't been much help to you, so maybe if you could get back to us then we can try and assist you further.
Thanks PamelaR for replying. I scare guys away because they’ve told me so. I get clingy and make them my whole world and so desperately want it to work. They have full lives and don’t seem to feel the same. When it doesn’t work out I get devastated.
i guess I feel like it’s irrational how strong I fall for guys. However I know I’m my harshest critic so maybe I just need to accept that I love strongly and fully and that’s ok. But it also means it will take longer to get over.
thanks Geoff for replying too. I know I need to look after myself first. This guy now having left my life means there’s no men at all romantically etc in it. It’s the first time for ages. It’s daunting and I feel alone and panicked sometimes but I know it’s the only way to move forward.
Hi Cabbage Patch Kid,
Firstly, I want to say not to be too hard on yourself, you may feel things more quickly or deeply than some people, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Also, despite feeling things quite deeply, good on you for having the courage to call time on something casual that was hurting you. I think a lot of people develop feelings for someone who strings them along or wants something casual and it can be very hard to break free of.
That being said, feeling things too quickly and deeply can have a negative effect on you, which is not great for you. This may just be the way you love or it may have something to do with your depression. Sometimes we fall for someone early, before really knowing them, because of what they represent. You want them to be something so badly, or want to be happy and settled so badly, that you project that onto them, even if it may not even be them. I think that we can’t rely on someone to meet all of our needs, that has to come from within, and I think that’s why some people seem to be less invested. They have a full happy life outside of the relationship so are comfortable to be on their own until they find the right person. I think you need to start working on developing your life outside of a relationship. Do you have a hobby that makes you happy? Friendships in your life that you can cultivate? Work interests etc? If not, I think that may be a good place to start, and then you’ll find your placing less pressure on your relationship to meet all your needs.
Juliet_84 thanks for your response. Also thank you for the encouragement for ending the relationship. I tried for as long as I could to do it and went back a few times but it started to consume my thoughts all the time. Only recently have I said goodbye for good and the guy has actually blocked me from contacting him (not in a mean way but just because he could see I had feelings and was hurt and didn’t want to deal with it and didn’t want it to be dragged on) which in turn is the best thing he could have done. Unlike me he has a very full life (somewhat messy and complicated) and because of my depression and ptsd related to work I haven’t worked full time for about 18 months and I have too much time and have placed too much emphasis on relationships.
Ypu summed it up when you said that “Sometimes we fall for someone early, before really knowing them, because of what they represent. You want them to be something so badly, or want to be happy and settled so badly, that you project that onto them, even if it may not even be them.”
i am desperate to have someone a family and happy and settled that it means I fall for anyone and it doesn’t seem to be about that articulate guy, but the feelings are real.
You’re right I do need to focus on making me and my life happy and fulfilled. I like basketball swimming and the beach. I like watching tv and movies and travelling and going out to dinner. All this stuff has kind of gone by the wayside because of my depression and not having the energy or feeling ok. But I need to get back to this so that I don’t turn to another guy to rescue me and try to fulfill my needs. I need to make my life fulfilled so that I can be happy as me doing atuff I like. I have a tendency to get carried away with whatever the guy wants and become too accommodating.
Hi Cabbage Patch Kid,
Good on you!!! I know I don’t know you, but for what it’s worth, I’m so proud of you lol. It takes A LOT of guts to leave someone who you care for when you know it’s going to hurt like hell, because you know it’s the right thing for you to do.
That’s great that you have hobbies, even if you have let them go, at least it will be easier to re-start rather than start fresh. I think you have been giving a lot to people who may not have deserved it, and I think it’s important to start looking after number 1 for awhile!
I also understand wanting something so badly that you project it onto someone else. But unfortunately as hard as you project onto the wrong person, they are still the wrong person. We have a saying at work and it also actually applies to relationships as well that “sometimes you’ll go faster if you go slower”. I think we can be in such a rush to have something that we pick the wrong person or try and make it work with them, but in the end it just wastes more of our time. So, as hard as it is, I think you need to try and hold out for the right person.
I can tell by reading your posts that you have insight into your mind, which is great. You sound committed to wanting a brighter future and I think you know how to get there. You just need to have faith that you deserve happiness and keep this in focus (which can be easier said that done at the start of a relationship!). Please check in whenever you need or want to talk things through. I truly wish you all the best xx
Thank you for saying such nice and supportive things. It’s so kind of you. I know I’ve been beating myself up for not leaving the guy earlier and going back to him and I feel like I haven’t received much support or understanding from friends and family as they don’t get my feelings and going back to him etc
You are so right regardless of everything the wrong person is still the wrong person and he is the wrong person. I know in Time I’ll be able to see my worth and hold out for someone good.
But for now I’m just going to focus on me and my life and trying to build it back up again. I have given too much to people who don’t appreciate it or who don’t reciprocate often at the expense of myself and I don’t want to do that anymore. Regardless of how many times I fall or take backwards steps I’ll just keep moving forward.
Thanks so much 😊
I just wanted to say that you are not the only one out there that does this, I know I do this, but I also know it is just who I am and I wont change it (speaking of myself of course). I am always very optimistic, but I know that is a 2 edged sword. Firstly its good point is where you go into a relationship 100%, and show your heart, scars and all, without holding back, but its bad point is when it is not right with the other person, you get hit hard by the emotions of rejection, you question "why dont they just look at all the good you have?" I know that very well.
I now deal with it in a very different way, without changing who I am, its something I have advised before, but unsure if it works for them, it may not work for you too but unless you try, you wont know and it wont hurt to try. This is what works for me, After countless dating and getting nowhere, I finally sat myself down, by myself, and thought real honestly who I really want in my life, from physical appearance, to personalities, what kind of people I was attracted to, what things were crucial for me to find in a partner, what I can compromise on and what I could not live with either. Everything that mattered to me I listed, then I looked at what would make me attractive to those types of people, what I could truly offer them.
I know this is working for me, even though the results dont show it as I am still looking to find someone, but when I think I have found someone, I go out on a date and probe the date with questions to find the qualities I seek, as well as wait for them to ask certain questions from me. The date becomes more of an interview, which may sound bad, but its still is romantic and a fun social outing, there usually is something that you share in interests with the person, so even "failures" tend to end up with new friends. The bonus is the "failure" doesnt hurt as much, instead you only feel slightly disappointed that it didnt work out, after all, you still had a good time out, you still made a new friend. The thing is, you know, when you find someone that does fill all those parts you want in a partner, you have really found someone worth all your time and effort in the past.
I guess what I am trying to say is search for what you want and go for it, if the other person isnt into you, then just accept that the same as you would want someone to accept that you are not interested in them.