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Anxiety about my husband

Rosygirl
Community Member

Hi there, 

I have been married for 23 years, to the most amazing faithful man, but over the last year I have been so worried about him looking at other women and thinking they are attractive in his mind. I hate him seeing scantily dressed women , in ads on tv, at the beach, in movies, ANYWHERE...... He reassures me constantly, but whenever I question him about him looking at a picture for what I think is long period of time we fight as he is so upset that I view him as that kind of man. I go through his phone , his web history etc....... I am so anxious I will find something. Once 8 years ago I had just had a baby, and one night came downstairs to find him watching a miss universe show ( he says he watched it to listen to their funny comments but it didn't help when I walked in, they were strutting down the runway all showing off their bikini's ), I was so upset feeling fat and unattractive , it haunts me still suffering with this anxiety I keep bringing it up and causing a fight.

 I also get very insecure about his twin sister, she is a very beautiful out there vervaious person , when we first got married he was very close with her, very affectionate towards her, he is not as close now but one day recently he text her saying 'hey beautiful' ........ Which is what he says to me...... But ever since then I can't stand him calling me that...I hate this anxiety! 

About 18 months ago we went through a very stressful time where a few of our friends had attacked us as a couple and our children, it was a very traumatic time along with dealing with our teenage son who was up to no good, and my parents who didn't support us. I wonder if this has given me an anxiety about trusting people and I am taking it all out on my husband , just waiting for him to turn on me as well..... My husband wants me to get help of some sort, I am an extremely private person, no/one knows my battle except my husband. He wants me to stop alcohol and take vitamin b for a month to see if it helps, 10 days in, and my anxiety has caused a fight this morning over him searching for a variety of timber called 'honey mahogany' for a job he is doing , well type that into google search and look at what you come up with. His history showed he then googled images trying to find the timber, but he told me he didn't go into images,  his explanation was that he didn't click on 'a' image, but images to see if he could see timber, my mind just went crazy Any words of wisdom ?

Thanks for reading . X

8 Replies 8

JessF
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Hello Rosygirl, it sounds like you have an intense fear of abandonment which is worth exploring with a professional. 

From your post, it sounds like you have no evidence at all that your husband is unfaithful, yet you are constantly looking to build a case that he is, that will justify your anxiety.  If you keep doing this, you are likely to create the very situation that you are trying to avoid.  You will push this "most amazing faithful man" away.

Twins have a very special connection. Your husband will always be very close with his sister, and the jealous feelings you have around that relationship will need to be processed. 

My advice is: stop snooping on him. You will destroy trust with this. You don't own your husband, and these thoughts you're having, both about his potential unfaithfulness and his love for his sister, are coming from a place of needing to control.

Rosygirl
Community Member

Thank you JessF

I have only ever ever spoken to my husband about my fears and he has lovingly supported and assured me all the way, perhaps what I really needed was someone like you to snap me out of my ridiculous thoughts and make me realize how I am ruining my beautiful marriage. My head goes crazy sometimes, I really need to work on these stupid visions and unreasonable thinking . 

Most days I have logical thinking, but when something sets me off I get thoughts I can't control or stop....... I know the next episode I have I will be coming back here and re-reading your message to knock some sense into me. 

I have texted this morning my darling husband my apologies, to which he made a special trip home to 'get a can Coke from the fridge'  and give me lots of hugs and kisses. 

I really hate myself sometimes, I am working harder than ever though to sort my problem out. Any suggestions ? 

Thankyou again for your honesty. X

pipsy
Community Member
Hey Rosygirl.  It sounds like you actually have an amazingly, wonderful, supportive husband.  Have you ever tried watching some of the shows he is watching, like the beauty contests.  He's right about the remarks that are made, why these girls are competing.  As for the honey mahogany timber he was looking for, he's right about that.  There is such a timber, it's a specialized timber, only suitable for certain jobs.  Have you also tried making friends with his sibling?  Jess is right about twins sharing a special bond.  Work with him, building your marriage.  Enjoy his love (I wish I had that).  Perhaps seeing a specialist (you'll need a referral from G.P) about some relaxation techniques.   

Rosygirl
Community Member

Thankyou pipsy

 I guess what I am getting at, is these things are little things, but they become HUGE to me when dealing with them at the time. I need to not react so severely. Its like I become this monster when something happens. I worry myself sick because I know it is just a matter of time before something else comes up. Its like I just don't  think logically at the time. I can think logically at other times, but when I am set off, all these intense feelings well up. I really need some coping techniques to apply when I rage up my inner horrid thoughts about him.

As regards his sister, I have tried and we got on well there for a bit, but she is very self centred which I find hard to tolerate, always demands centre of attention when in a room and dominates the conversation (she is a beautiful looking woman). We had a child get married just recently, I really thought I could count on her with help, but she was too busy socialising and getting pictures with my husband while I was in the kitchen at the engagement.  Then on the wedding day she was very emotional and seeking attention from my husband. I was so cranky, this is OUR special moment... not hers!! Anyway a few things like that, I have with-drawn a bit and cannot be bothered. I know I should make more of an effort......

Thankyou for talking with me and your encouraging words....I wish I had a mum like you.

xxx

 

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Rosygirl.  Thanks for the compliment re: wishing you had a mum like me.  Can I ask are there any other children, or just your hubby and his sister?  If she's the only girl, it could be (not saying it is), but it could be she's been made to feel like a princess by loving, doting parents.  If she has been raised believing she's 'special' then her behaviour is not something anyone's aware of except you, because you're on the outside looking in.  My ex SIL is a bit like that, too.  If that is the case and you feel like the proverbial 'fifth' wheel, you may have to try distancing yourself until you feel more comfortable.  With hubby's relationship to his twin, that's an unbreakable bond, don't go there, you will wind up losing him.  Is SIL married, if she isn't, she possibly feels resentful towards you for 'stealing' her brother.  MIL's feel the same way towards DIL's too.  Concentrate on your marriage, enjoy hubby's love and attention, it's there.  Next time hubby visits family, excuse yourself saying you're not feeling very well.  Let hubby enjoy his family with them, then enjoy what he has with you, that's special, private.  Hopefully if hubby's family try to undermine what you two have, he will be able to ignore the rubbish.  If hubby has other sister's and they behave the same, honestly you're better out of it.  Sounds as though you actually have the 'pick of the bunch'.  Congrats on a great choice.

Hugz xxx to you. 

In-laws a.k.a outlaws. 

JessF
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Rosygirl said:

I have texted this morning my darling husband my apologies, to which he made a special trip home to 'get a can Coke from the fridge'  and give me lots of hugs and kisses. 

I really hate myself sometimes, I am working harder than ever though to sort my problem out. Any suggestions ? 

Oh Rosygirl, please try not to hate yourself. Your husband clearly loves you very much, and he sounds like a very secure man upstairs. He recognises when you are feeling vulnerable and works to quell those fears rather than berating you for having those feelings, which a lot of men might do.  Savour those moments like the Coke from the fridge, they are very beautiful, and it's the little things I find that we look back on in life when things are tough. 

Your further replies to Pipsy show that you do have some genuine issues with your sister in law's behaviour that will need to be worked through over time. Those, from the sounds of things, are all about her and not about you.  Your husband's love for you and his brotherly love for her is not a zero sum game, they can both co-exist at the same time.  Try not to confuse that with some selfish behaviour by her.

Rosygirl
Community Member

So I finally plucked up the courage to talk with my doctor today to try and help with my extreme insecurities and anxiety I have. I am such a private person, the only one I have spoken with about my issue is my husband and here. We had a little fight last weekend, ( he had whipped my sisters butt with a tea towel as she made a snide remark about his inability to catch flies with the tea towel, and then on the Sunday he made a phone call to a mother of our sons friend, when she picked up the phone she said to him "did you miss me?" he hesitantly replied yes with a bit of a laugh, but both these incidences set me off big time, and what didn't help was his over tiredness and having to dealing with my issues again made the fight not pleasent at all) Anyway I promised to get  some test results to make sure I wasn't lacking in something that would cause this anxiety. So I went to the doctor today and cried my heart out about what I was feeling. She was very good and gave some suggestions and is going to keep an eye on me.

 My Heartache is that when we finished the appointment she asked me to take the test results of the mental health test they make you do, to the front counter to get scanned into my notes, well as I walked out of the surgery, I realised that an acquaintance of ours that attends regularly to our church, was working there and she was the one my notes were given to, to scan.

I am now so paranoid, I finally get this monster off my chest, and now I have exposed my mental health to some one we know. In the notes are my most private of insecurities and my feelings. I have been crying all afternoon and don't know how to face this woman again........... 😞

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Rosygirl.  With regards to this woman you both know, it's more than her job's worth to tell anyone what happens at work.  When someone works as a receptionist, they are told right from the word 'go' that anything they hear or see is strictly confidential.  I used to work in the kitchen at meals on wheels, one of my co-workers owned the Dr's practice where I was a patient.  While she was at m.o.w, she never said anything about the Dr's office.   Plus if your friend is a regular church goer, you'll find she won't say anything.  Church people are really good at not talking about anyone to anyone.  With this situation with your hubby, he sounds as though he's extremely extroverted, where you are the opposite.  He knows how insecure you feel with his flirting (which by the way is harmless).  Everything he's doing is open, he's not going behind your back.  But I do understand your insecurities.  Try flirting with him, having fun with him.  He would probably get a real thrill out of you play-acting with him.  Once you start play-acting with him, he will play back to you.  Next time you're talking to him face to face or over the phone, does he ring you from work?  Ask him (flirtatiously), do you miss me a little?  He loves you and probably would enjoy playing.  I'm sure if there's something seriously wrong, he will move heaven on earth to be there for you.  Once you start playing and flirting, you'll find he'll reciprocate.  He sounds like he'd love to have fun with you.  That's what love between husbands and wives is like.  It can be fun, share his company, laugh with him.

Hope this helps.  I'm quite concerned for you.