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Another relationship lacking intimacy

SJ050
Community Member

Hi Everybody

I was wondering what do people do that have a lack of intimacy in their relationship? A sexless marriage if you prefer the term. I am 51 and my wife is 40, we have 3 children 8,6 & 6. We both work full time and don’t have hardly any support from family in regards to help with the children, so you can see life is not easy at times.

Over the past year my wife had become less and less interested in having sex with me. I do my best to help with housework, I’d say doing more than half , give her foot rubs when ever she complains her feet are sore etc etc She says I am a loyal a selfless husband and that she doesn’t appreciate me as much as she should.
What do you do when both sex drives are do far apart it is really impacting my ability to be the good husband I want to be ? We have only had sex once since November and she doesn’t understand what my problem is. My needs are at least once a week minimum.
She won’t really talk about it and didn’t seem to keen to go to go to counseling when I suggested it.

I don’t want to be the typical cheating husband and seek extra marital affairs as I would much rather be making love to my gorgeous wife. Is this the answer?

Sorry people this has probably been bought up a thousand times but it is absolutely sending me crazy. It’s like having a Ferrari in the garage that you are not allowed to even look at let alone drive, but hey you know you have one.

9 Replies 9

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi SJ050

There's a good reason for such an issue to be raised so often; it's definitely a common issue.

While sex can be our natural 'go to' form or exercising intimacy when we're younger (sometimes expressed several times a day), the dynamics can definitely change as the relationship progresses. As certain factors begin to exhaust us (work, kids etc), finding the energy and thrill that used to come with such intimacy can prove challenging for some.

Being married to the same guy for over 17 years, there would be periods of time where my husband would be able to easily relate to your current frustration. I'm a 49yo body/mind/spirit sort of gal myself and my perspective of sex has definitely changed over the years. It's only recently that it has shifted to one of 'higher energy' in regard to intimacy. I've developed the mantra 'Excite me in life and you'll have me excited in general'. The reason for me mentioning body/mind/spirit:

On a physical level, we're a whole lot of chemistry and energy. Get the chemistry and energy balanced and moving and bamm! At a sub-atomic level, physicists tell us 'We vibe'. I won't get too far into string theory here but basically it's theorised that we have incredible aspects within us that literally vibrate. The more excited you get them, the faster they vibrate, to the point where we're 'Buzzing with excitement'.

On a mental level, imagination can be key to excitement. On a mental level, how we interpret stimuli is also what leads to excitement. Touch, taste, smell, sound and visual stimuli can give us a mental emotional buzz. A surprise bath in a dimly lit room with scented candles and maybe a few tasty morsels or a glass of your partners favourite drink ticks all the boxes. It creates relaxed activity, happening in the mind and body. Whether you sit on the floor beside the bath and have a chat or hop in is a matter of choice.

On a natural level (what some refer to as spiritual), we naturally love to be excited to life. We naturally love adventures (adding ventures). Routine can dull our senses. We're naturally energetic. This is where intimacy becomes interesting. Foreplay can begin at the start of the day, where we can play with the energy of imagination and excitement, before we are 'fully charged' for greater intimacy by the end of the day. The early days when we're automatically 'charged up', ready to go, can become 'The old days'. The new days become 'Charge me up! Raise me to excitement'. We become playmates.

🙂

Betternow
Community Member

Hello SJ05

I like your analogy about the Ferrari, it brought a smile to my face. I know your post relates to a serious matter but humour still has a role.

Okay, the easier answer to your question, is an extra marital affair the answer? Definitely NOT. I’ve never ever seen a marriage benefit by one or both partners seeking sex outside the marriage. It usually just brings in more problems.

I realise it is incredibly frustrating when your wife refuses to even acknowledge there is a problem. It may not be a problem for her, but if it’s a problem for you, she needs to be made to understand then it is a problem for the marriage.

Even if she agrees there is a problem, it doesn’t solve the problem of mismatched libidos. It is a good idea to rule out physical problems that your wife maybe experiencing of which you are unaware. Her GP is the best person on this topic.

Have you considered writing a letter to your wife? Often the written word carries more power than mere words spoken and it should help your wife understand the deep hurt you feel.

I’m afraid I have no solutions to offer but keep posting if you it brings you some support and other readers may be able to offer different perspectives.

Kim1988
Community Member
Cheating is not the answer. It sounds like you guys do love each other. If you love each other you fix what you have. You don’t go look for something on the side. Communicate what you need to her and vice versa. If communication is hard it may help to see a family therapist to facilitate better communication.

SJ050
Community Member

Hi therising

Yes I understand what you are saying, my wife is a very passionate person and i am quite boring compared to her.

it us so easy to get caught in the rut if the daily grind of dealing with 3 young children and we never really make time for ourselves.
Niw the youngest two have started school we can take the same days off and spend time together to get the buzz alive again.
I am going to try to put a bit more excitement back into our lives which will benefit both of us.

Thank you for the inspiration.

SJ050
Community Member

Hi Betternow

i guess it’s better to know I have the Ferrari in the garage and at least know very occasionally I get to take a drive. Lol

Thanks for the idea to write a letter as I do find it easier sometimes to express myself on paper, I can take my time and make sure I am saying what I want to say and not the wrong thing.

Thank you I will give it a try.

SJ050
Community Member

Hi Kim1998

Thank you for your advice, yes I am truly, madly, deeply in love with my wife more now than when we met 12 years ago.

i would never want to hurt another person by cheating on them, I know that pain all too well from my previous marriage where I was lied to and used for many years, I could never inflict that on anybody.

We went through a rough patch where she was feeling a little lost for a while but the last day or so we have improved. I cat help but compliment her everyday on how gorgeous she is and always find myself trying to touch her in little ways. Most times she is ok with it but sometimes not, we all have days like that I suppose.

Thanks for your reply, I will try to keep on communicating with her and hope we can get back to the close, rick solid relationship I would like.

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

HiSJ050

Never say you're boring. The foot massages, for a start, sound sensational.

We really are sensational creatures on so many levels. I find the trick is to remain tuned in to the sensations experienced. Being one of those spiritual gals, I'm also into all that energy stuff. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea but it definitely provides a unique perspective on excitement. It also provides a unique perspective when it comes to 'working our partner up'.

To get the feet buzzing is a good start.

  • The base/root centre (in the nether regions) doesn't take much to get worked up at times. A suggestive whisper in the ear can be enough to feel the charge hit the spot
  • The sacral centre (below the naval) can get a bit of a charge just by putting on a bit of music and going for an amusing spin or a slow dance around the lounge room. This centre is said to be the seat of the imagination
  • Solar plexus is where we feel 'butterflies'. If you can conjure up few butterflies through suggestion or action, it's definitely sensation stuff. This centre is said to relate to courage. This why folk feel those little fellas flapping about before they give a speech in front of many - it's the feeling of a rise to courage
  • Heart centre. The arms and hands are said to be an extension of the heart. Tracing a partners energy slowly from the finger tips to the heart and back again is simply sensational. Noting complex
  • Throat centre. A passionate kiss on the neck and a delicate breath in their ear, can not only take our partner's breath away, such actions can charge the entire body, sending a chill down the spine
  • Third eye centre. The seat of inspiration - a super exciting spot. It's where ideas and inspiration pop in from out of nowhere. It's where we jump into the flow, often without a thought (getting in the way). Eg: You look at your partner and suddenly feel inspired to simply tuck her hair gently behind her ear. Without a thought, you do it, to find that this action raises her to a smile and a special connection or attraction to you
  • Crown. Just about everyone loves a scalp massage or having their hair brushed. Such actions have been studied as actually releasing the chemistry in the brain responsible for happiness and relaxation

We're not always aware of the course of energy or sensations the body feels. Experimenting with sensations is a simple adventure and an enlightening one. 'I'm going to make this relationship sensational' becomes a simple promise to keep.

🙂

Hi SJ050.

Firstly, wow therising has some really fascinating information which has blown my mind because we are all made of energy and you cannot say that you are boring compared to your lovely Wife.

Secondly, don't be cheating to make up for something that you [both] need to work on in your marriage. I love the information that therising has provided as a means of connecting, bonding and spicing up your marriage.

🙂

Daffodil
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi,

I can totally relate to your situation, except it’s reverse for me! Meaning, I am the wife who is wanting intimacy/sex. My husband has a low libido & always has & im the one instigating it all the time. We have hit an all time low as it’s been the longest time we haven’t had sex (10 mths).

I don’t know the answer as whenever I mention it, we argue so I can’t be bothered anymore.

I have actually purchased a vibrator (out of character for me) but it gives me the satisfaction I need & crave.

just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone, sorry I don’t have a solution 😏

cheers

Daffodil