Angry partner is ruining what we have

[alwaystoblame]

My partner and I have been together for 6 months and for the first month everything was normal. Until he started to get very angry at me over small things, or perhaps things that shouldn’t be of an angry reaction. He knew right from the start that I suffer from Anxiety, OCD and depression, but he would start to get extremely angry every time I was anxious or sad. He would tell me “stop being sad you’re so annoying” or “stop stressing there’s nothing to even worry about you’re being so dramatic”. It causes a physical pain in my chest every time he says these things. One night he called me a “stupid bitch” (over something I cannot remember now but I remember that I was having a crap day) and I ended up being physically ill because of how hurt I was.

Ive been in CBT since we met and he confuses me because one day he’ll say he’s happy to see me “trying to change” then another day he’ll turn around and say “you’re not even trying you’re just a princess you don’t even care”. It really confuses and hurts me. A big factor about these outbursts is that I am ALWAYS the one apologising. Even when I know I’m not in the wrong, if I don’t apologise he completely shuts me off or stays angry until I do. Sometimes because of my depression I’m more to myself, and when he asks what’s wrong and I explain he gets mad. I feel as though my emotions are not valid at all.

Just today, I was stressing over money issues (I am what some could say sitting on the ‘poverty line’, and he has had a good life with relatively no money issues) and I was getting quite sad and he said “I’m sick of this I’m pissed off, you’re so dramatic” and hung up the phone. That was an hour ago, he hasn’t messaged or called back. Perhaps if I apologise to him it’ll be good again.

I’m sick of saying sorry all the time, but of course when I know I’m in the wrong I will apologise. It happens. But majority of my sorry’s are from his outbursts. He gets so angry and I don’t know what to do. He’s admitted he has anger problems but followed it with “its just who I am”. He makes my anxiety and depression worse, but I still love him. He’s good to me when he’s not angry. But he’s draining me so much, I feel physically and mentally exhausted around him always walking on eggshells. Not to mention he constantly embarrasses me in front of his friends (yells at me, starts fights with me). I feel like he doesn’t care at all. I’m so exhausted. I feel worthless.

Any advice would be sincerely appreciated. Thank you.

[Chloe_M]

Hi alwaystoblame,

okay, so first off I'm going to kind of rage at your bf. Under no circumstances should he or anyone else tell you to stop being sad or stressed. As your bf he above all people should understand how you feel and what is going on. All I see is ignorance. You deserve better. Amd calling you a stupid bitch is ridiculous.

He sounds like someone you need to tiptoe around. You mentioned it's like walking on eggshells. It's funny (funny strange not funny ha ha) that he admits he has anger problems then says that that's who he is, but then acts all weird and pissed off at you when you're anxious/depressed etc.

Hypocritical.

now the apologising thing. You shouldn't have to apologise for something you (a) didn't do (b) were right about or (c) doesn't actually need an apology. It sounds like you are trying to make him feel better. I understand, I do the same thing. It's as if I think apologising will make everything better. You shouldn't have to apologise for things like that.

If you haven't already, don't apologise to him. You did nothing wrong, you are who you are and its his problem if he can't accept that. It may cause a fight but hey, it's showing him that you're your own person, and that you can stand up and you're not going to take any of his bullshit. It might whip him back to reality and make him realise that you're not being dramatic and that your problems are real.

You are not worthless. Your opinions and feelings are valid. You don't need him to tell you that.

stay safe and be kind to yourself

chloe x

[Croix]

Dear Alwaystoblame~

I'm sorry things have worked out this way for you. It's terrible when all the expectations of a new relationship so quickly fail and things are nothing like they should be.

I'd agree with Chloe_M's opinions about your partner, you are in no way to blame and apologizing to sooth his ego is a dangerous waste of time. Unfortunately there are some people in the world who feel a need to control and belittle others, they probably do it without thinking. They push your buttons, leading to poor self esteem dependence, confusion and exhaustion. Blowing hot and cold to create confusion and dependence is one technique, humiliation in front of friends another.

Although you feel love for this person may I suggest you step back and see how you are being treated? A partnership has love on both sides, each wants the best for the other, for them to be happy and secure. This is simply not happening, the reverse is true.

I really think you need an outside perspective on all this. Do you have anyone you can talk with, a parent, family member or friend? It does help to see it from someone you trust's point of view.

Another thing I'd suggest is to ring our 24/7 Help Line on 1300 22 4636 and see if they feel your relationship is an abusive one

Croix

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[alwaystoblame]

First of all I would just like to thank the two replies for taking the time to help.

However, no matter how hard I try to convey my feelings to him, to tell him he is hurting me (mentally), he just will not take it. He says he understands and is listening to how I feel, but he always has something to say back (not in a good way btw, more like he’s trying to really shut me down). It genuinely feels like he does not want to acknowledge that he maybe isn’t right this time.

Im ashamed, we had a argument that stemmed from me trying to explain my feelings. He was getting more angry every time I tried to explain myself, kept shutting me down, so I got fed up and eventually said “okay I am wrong, you are right. Let’s move on”. I’m ashamed for that. But he was fine after that. During this I was trying to stay calm but when you have anxiety and depression it’s hard not to get emotional when things are directly attacking your thoughts and feelings. He picks this out in every one of his arguments, “you’re always being emotional” or “you’re too emotional”. I have tried to explain why, I mean he even knows why, he does not want to hear it.

When I said I was wrong and to move on he went back to normal and asked if I could too. I said yes with tears running down my cheeks. These are the lies I have to tell to make everything better again. When he was back to normal he was talking about his study load and what we were going to watch tonight when he comes over... I’m always disappointed how it leads to this but I’m never surprised. It seems to just be never ending.

Im too scared to leave him because my family love him and think everything’s fine. And I’m also scared I’ll never find someone again. I’m not just saying this, it’s true. He is my first boyfriend and I am almost 20. Nobody has ever hit on me or wanted to get to know me. I have one friend who I don’t even see much, that says a lot. If he leaves I have practically no one. But sometimes I contradict myself because I think maybe I was just born to be alone and I should accept it. I’m so stuck on what to do.

Anyways this was just a follow up vent sorry. Thanks again for those who posted, I keep reading over what you say. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to use it. I do appreciate it.

[Chloe_M]

Hi again,

Its good to see that you tried to explain your feelings to him, even if it didn't work, now you have a better perspective of him. Communication is one of the most important factors of a healthy relationship. Romantic or not. If you are simply trying to tell him how you feel and he's just shutting you down and stepping on you (metaphorically), then he is essentially shutting down the communication between you. That's not good.

I understand that, under pressure, you would have felt like you had to say that and please him. I'd be like that too. I'm a people pleaser. Feel ashamed, but don't feel like we are going to judge you. Also don't be too hard on yourself about it. You made a mistake. Learn from it. If we didn't make mistakes, we wouldn't learn.

Of course, your family's opinion matters, but ultimately, its your choice what you do. If you were to say, end the relationship, then that's your choice and not theirs'. They shouldn't influence you overmuch. Listen to them but don't let what they tell you rule you. Make your own rules 🙂

You weren't born to be alone. If you were, then you wouldn't have reached out on the BB forums. Think about it. If you were destined to be alone, then you wouldn't be talking to people. You'd be dealing with this on your own. Anyway, know one is born to be alone. Not in a world full of 7 billion people.

Its okay to vent. Its refreshing sometimes. Its good to know that someone is listening, isn't it?

Take care of yourself. Let me know if anything happens x

Chloe

[Croix]

Dear Alwaystoblame~
Please excuse me for being blunt. Everything you say indicates you are sacrificing yourself to appease someone who will not be happy unless he has his own way all the time. In fact I suspect it is worse than that, I think from what you say that he is most comfortable when you are completely subservient, simply an extension of his wishes.

The fact you hurt is not important to him, it shows in how he ignores what you say or turns it around to being your fault. I also think it is significant that he appears to be pretty good when with others and that as a result your family thinks he is just fine. Being two-faced can be an art form.

Basically this all follows a well-worn pattern.

I understand the fright of being on your own, it can at the moment seem to you that he is your only choice, however you are quite wrong. As Chloe_M says there are 7 billion people, and there is a loving and caring person there for you. I found one when a couple of years older than you and after she passed away after many years of happy togetherness I found another. I'm sure I'm not particularly special.

You do not have to spend your life powerless and in tears trying to seek out small moments of peace in your relationship. You can have happiness and support.
Please think about contacting an organization who is familiar with abusive relationships. They can do two things, firstly give you perspective and let you know exactly what sort of relationship you are in and what you can expect. Secondly they can help by letting you know what your options are and where help is available if needed.

While again I’d suggest ringing our 24/7 Help Line as a start please don’t think you cannot come here and talk if you do not. We understand how difficult the whole thing is and will always welcome you.

Croix