anger & guilt

Ce-Ce · ‎25-12-2016

hi,

im seeking advice regarding anger issues towards family. I've apparently never been a simple child, i was always known for throwing tantrums and getting super angry and as i've grown up i realise this is still a problem. most of the time my anger is ignited by small things, which is something i am ashamed of. I tend to over-react and I react so quickly that i never think about my actions. At the time of my anger (whether it be me slamming doors, throwing things & damaging items) i do not regret the things i do as i feel like its the only way to express my anger about a situation. I have had family members try to restrain me when i get into such situations but it will always end in a physical fight between them and myself. Now i would NEVER intend to hit a family member, or push them or hurt their feelings intentionally, however i just cannot control myself and i always destroy whatever is in my path. My biggest problem now is that all i do at night is replay those times over in my head (even from many years ago - yes this has happened more than once) and i feel so guilty about it, I dont mean to hurt them but i feel like a disgrace, i have a heavy heart and dont know how to deal with both my anger and my guilt after these events happen. the worst thing is, all i think about is how ive hurt my family both emotionally/mentally and physically and how they wont be around forever and this destroys me. I'm in need of some serious help, anything, i never want to lay my hands on my family again, i never want to say anything that will hurt them or break their hearts like i have done previously and i need to know how i can make it up to them, i will never forgive myself and when they are gone i fear that i will implode with emotion and lead to something bad (personally). How can i stop feeling guilty, how can i prevent these outbursts. can i ever forgive myself? has anyone experienced this?

Ce-Ce

geoff · ‎25-12-2016

hi Ce-Ce, I'm sure this is something that you would really love to be able to control, and the only way to make up to your family is to be able to restrain yourself, but that's easier said than done, but I wonder whether you have visited your doctor or whether you thought that they wouldn't be able to help you, well they can, firstly by prescribing some medication which will be able to control your mood and then refer you to a psychologist.
There is a reason why this has begun which you may know of or alternatively have no idea, but guessing will not solve this because it's an assumption, and this word can be so vague as it opens the door to many reasons which may not be true, and that's where a psychologist will be able to sort through them all and then teach you how to control your moods. Geoff.

White_Rose · ‎25-12-2016

Dear CC

Hello and welcome. I agree with Geoff's comments, especially about guessing the source of your anger. Working with a psychologist or psychiatrist to uncover the start or cause of your anger will probably take a long time. This will be expensive going to a psychologist as their fees do not come under Medicare rebates unless you are on a mental health plan. Even if you do see a psychologist under a mental health plan you will only be allowed ten subsidised visits per year and I suspect you will need more visits than this.

Have a chat to your GP about costs etc. Psychiatrists usually charge more than the Medicare recommended fee but you can continue to work with them for as long as it takes. And you will always know what the cost will be. Something to think about.

I understand your anger and constantly reliving it. When I was much younger this was how I reacted, although I don't think I smashed things. I'm much more in control these days but it has been a hard journey. I wish help had been available to me then. You cannot change the past but you can, eventually, forgive yourself and discover the origins of your anger.

If you find it helpful to write in here please continue. Someone will always respond and I will keep a lookout for your posts.

I wish you and your family a very happy Christmas.

Mary

Ce-Ce · ‎26-12-2016

I am currently taking medication for bad anxiety which is what my gp thought was causing me to react so badly, and i must say they have helped a lot, although sometimes i feel like it's not enough. You're totally right about finding where the anger comes from and unfortunately im not really sure. I dont get like this around others, i try restrain myself A LOT! and its very hard in some situations to do so, but im not sure why i still do it around my family, i think maybe because they have seen the worst of me already? i have no idea, thanks for your advice

Eeyore123 · ‎12-06-2017

Hi Mary - I have read your response to CCs post about anger issues. You say that you used to react like this when younger; how did you overcome it? Were there any strategies that you found especially useful? I'm experiencing similar issues but have had limited success to date in finding positive change.

White_Rose · ‎14-06-2017

Hello Eeyore

Nice to meet you and welcome to the forum.

I think the key to combating anger is to understand where it comes from. I don't mean having an argument with someone and getting very cross, then saying "it's his fault for not agreeing", or something similar. It's finding the reason inside yourself why you react in a certain manner to different triggers. I say different triggers but in reality they all come from the same root.

You need to understand that I am not a mental health professional, these are my thoughts and experiences. If your anger flares because someone does not let you have your own way, then I think you will always get upset in these situations. You can tell yourself over and over that it's not logical, that you are not always right, but the feeling remains that you have been hard done by. I am using this example because it's easy, not because I think this your problem.

So why do you so need to be right and have what you want? Were you brought up without 'rights' in your family, the child who was the scapegoat, being bullied at school. I can think of all sorts of reasons but I want you to think of the possibilities from your life. I don't want to lead away from your own answers.

It's probably better if you can do this with a counsellor/psychologist/psychiatrist who can sort out any emotions this causes. I know I cried when I realised one reason I got angry. There will probably be some grief involved and heartache, so go gently.

I find when I start to get annoyed that I ask myself the question, "Is it reasonable to be angry about this?" There are happening in our lives when it is perfectly OK to be annoyed so give yourself that freedom. Just make sure the level of anger is appropriate.

If you are seeing a therapist I suggest you bring up this topic. It will probably be very fruitful to you. In the meantime, take yourself back to when you were angry and see what was happening. I am reluctant to tread on therapy ground because I have no experience except my own. As far as I am concerned that experience is valid for me, but may not be so for others.

I hope this helps.

Mary