An extremely difficult break up

[ChunkyTom]

My depression caused me to lose someone extremely important to me. In June 2017 I met who I consider to be the love of my life. She was a newly single woman who had just separated from her long term husband. She was tall, blonde, career driven and absolutely stunning. She was unlike any one I had ever met before. She was intelligent, witty and so incredibly sexy. She was special. Our relationship continued for the best part of a year. It was full of love, indulging and laughs but also a lot of heartache. We grew extremely dependent on each other for everything. We broke up so frequently only to apologise and go back to exactly the same behaviors the next day and pretend everything was fine. This was mostly due to our unresolved personal issues projected onto each other. This was mostly because we threw ourselves in the deep end by living in each others pockets almost instantly. I grew jealous and insecure like I always did. I craved her validation. She was snowed in with the pressure her divorce was having over her. Her ex partner was a nasty human who wanted to ruin her financially. I was so fixated on keeping this relationship together I forgot to look after myself and the other aspects of my life that I cared about. She talked about breaking up with me to focus on settling her divorce but I resisted. I couldn’t even begin to imagine a world without her. I resorted to behaviors I am not proud of. I would threaten suicide or I would hint to leaking secrets that could threaten the outcome of her divorce and career. I had become worse to her than her ex husband. She loved me with all her heart and she cared about me, but she knew what we were doing to each other wasn’t healthy. On top of all that she was now scared what I would do to myself or her. We remained in our toxic relationship.

To cut a long story short she eventually decided enough was enough and asked for space. I unfortunately was unable to give it to her and pushed her away to a point where she now wont speak to me. I have used the time (1 month) to focus on my mental health. I have become extremely self aware of my underlying issues and have started to rewrite some of my core beliefs. Unfortunately I still feel a lot of pain towards losing her. Not a day goes past when I don't think about her or want to call her to apologise for just how bad I was. I know it is still too soon. I also know its possible we may never get back in contact again.

What do I do?

[Doolhof]

Hi Chunky Tom,

Could you send her a text, something caring and light hearted without being seen as any kind of threat or controlling. You may never receive an answer, or you may in time. Just knowing that you tried might help you in the future.

Working on your own mental health and health in general is beneficial and important. If you don't get back with this lady, you will have learnt valuable lessons and know what you want to do differently next time.

Do you have friends you can go out with? Depression can hold us back and keep us away from people. It is important to be with others even if it is just briefly.

Try and find things to do that occupy your time and your mind, having too much spare time to think is not always helpful!

It sounds like you know who you don't want to be, so that does mean you can make those changes!

Cheers to you from Dools

[quirkywords]

ChunkyTom, welcome to the forum.

This is a friendly nonjudgmental support and supportive community full of people who have a range of lived experience.

Relationships can be so difficult especially when both partners are dealing with their own issues. I can understand your deep feelings for this woman and that you had insight into what you were doing that wasn't helpful but still you could not stop yourself.

I know it is a cliché but often timing is a very important factor in a relationship.

If you had met her a couple of years after her marriage ending , and she had met you when you had acknowledged your underlying issues, things may have been different.

It has only been a month and you have started looking at your own issues. Are you getting help from a psychologist or another health professional?

I can see why you still feel much pain towards losing her and you are right it is too soon.

I think you if you continue to look at your behaviour and address issues and possibly get some help , it will help with you more skills in the future.

If you browse the threads on the forum you may find some that may help you.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Quirky

[ChunkyTom]

Thank you both for your responses.

Things may have been different but the timing of us meeting could have never changed. We met in strange circumstances but I believe we were meant to meet.

I am getting help from a psychologist and doing my own research. I have a great deal of knowledge about what caused my issues and identifying patterns in problematic behaviours. I just don't have a lot of knowledge on how to best deal with the sadness I feel now. I have a lot of guilt and shame due to my actions and I am remorseful. It's only natural that I would want to fix things.

I feel that with time and healing we could be great, but the work needs to be done now. I just fear that too much damage has occurred and I will never get the opportunity to reconnect with my love.

[Doolhof]

Hi Chunky Tom,

Something that has helped me in the past is to write a letter. Write out everything that you feel, the good, the bad and the really ugly.

Let everything out. Don't hold back. Read that letter through again and then rip it up!

Then you write another letter that is not tinged with so many negative feelings. You let go of the hurt, blame, guilt and remorsefulness in the first letter, so the second letter comes from that special place in the heart filled with love, care and tenderness.

Is it possible to ask this lady if she would like to join you for a coffee somewhere or maybe even for a walk. If you do meet up, aiming for some time together instead of a long term commitment might work well for now.

Only you know what might work and what is best. I can just offer ideas from an outsiders perspective. It really does sound like you want this to work out, so I do hope you manage to find a way to do so.

Ages ago there was a thread here about male's ideas v females. I wish I could remember the name of the post! Made for great reading and contemplating, as what a man thinks will fix things can be different from a females perspective.

We are all very different also, each with our own needs, wants, beliefs and expectations, despite what sex we are.

Hope something works out for you!

Cheers from Dools

[ChunkyTom]

Thank you Doolhof,

I din't feel a lot of anger and spite about the situation for a long time but I have been able to let most of that go. Last week I gave myself the time to write the letter you speak of. I first tried addressing it to her but the words just couldn't do justice to my feelings so I wrote it as an open letter. It's a reflection of my life through the lens of depression. I identify where it began, how it has effected important moments of my life, how it has effected my relationships and where I wen't wrong more recently. I would post it on beyondblue but unfortunately its over 7000 words.

Writing this letter gave me clarity and liberated me from some of the hurt. The side effect of being so self aware was that I understood that I had really messed up, thus feeling a lot of shame. I would love to show her this piece but I don't believe it would change anything just yet.

I understand that timing is going to be an issue in addressing this problem. I have no idea how her life is traveling and if she is in fact getting on top of her divorce and other issues. All I know is she asked for time and space to do so. She didn't know how long she needed but I needed to give it to her. I understand that I was smothering her and dis-empowering her from actively getting herself better.

I'm really just trying to find some clarity on when to contact her. 1 month is what I have achieved and when i told her I was going to give her a month she responded with "I guess it's something." Depending on which friend I has sought advice from, I have been recommended to give her between 2-6 months. 2 I think may also be 2 short but I think 6 is too long. I want to contact her when enough time has passed to heel the pain of our situation but still allow for the love to be there.

To add to that I'm not sure how to approach her. I understand my best approach would be to meet casually to show that I have grown as a person and become a better me. I want to spill my heart out and apologise for everything I have done but I think that could work against me by bringing up negative emotions.

I think I have a "how long is a piece of string?" situation.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Chunky Tom,

Lol, your name is making me visualize all sorts of things.

I really admire u for stepping up and being a man that deems himself worthy and capable of change. It shows great maturity, and will require discipline. It makes me happy that you are taking this step- a step many are unwilling to take- more comfortable to stay the same, right?

In the long haul even if this love/ relationship didn't work out you will always have that character growth that u can be proud of which will set u up with many other future possibilities.

Hopefully your love story does succeed and I wish u both the best.

A lot of us woman are a resilient lot....

Be proud of yourself. You're doing a great thing and leading by example.

[ChunkyTom]

Hi monkey_magic,

Haha don't get too excited by my nick name.

Thank you. I am proud of myself for putting in the work,it was extremely difficult but I did it. The just has just settled now and I am grieving for my loss.

I have learned so much from this relationship in terms of growth for myself but I still feel in my heart that when the personal circumstances of ours change, we can have a wonderful relationship.

[quirkywords]

Tom,

I am a great believer in hope. I have written elsewhere of a distant cousin reuniting with a loved one after 60 years.

It does happen , and of course I hope for your sake it takes less time.

I think hope is one thing but putting your life on a hold and waiting for you to reunite, is another thing.

I can see how much this woman means to you and how hard you have worked on your issues.

Grief can take a long time and maybe that sense of loss may not leave.

Thanks for your honesty.

Quirky

[Doolhof]

Hi Chunky Tom,

Sometimes a sense of grief and loss can be compounded even if we are not really conscious of the fact. One incident can be triggered by past happenings that we have not yet dealt with.

It is very healthy to be able to try and put everything into some kind of perspective and to be able to move on with life. Hopefully your journey will include your lady friend.

Here is a memory from "somewhere", I recall hearing of a band called "Chunky Custard". I always used to think that was a very original title and wondered how they came up with it.

Hope you are doing okay.

Cheers from Dools