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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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NotTheMama My fiance no longer wants to have a child with me
  • replies: 2

My fiance is a father to a beautiful 8 year old who he had with an ex of his (they accidentally became pregnant 3 months into the relationship). He tried his best to stay in the relationship but it ended bitterly with his ex physically taking the chi... View more

My fiance is a father to a beautiful 8 year old who he had with an ex of his (they accidentally became pregnant 3 months into the relationship). He tried his best to stay in the relationship but it ended bitterly with his ex physically taking the child 7 hrs drive away, taking the house and placing him in debt. We met 4 years after the relationship with his ex ended and we fell for each other very quickly. Within three months we were talking about our future together and I said I wanted to have a child with him to which he responded that he could see himself having a child with me. After another year and a half of an incredible, loving, healthy, trusting relationship he sat me down and said he wanted to have a child with me. He proposed three days later and we decided to get married first and then start trying on the wedding night. It has now been 6 months since then and he has changed his mind about a child. He loves being a father but has shame and fear as a result of the past. I'm trying really hard to love the idea of freedom and money and being child free. But I just have to see a couple with a young child and I'm balling. I feel: - grief for the mother I'll probably never be - anger that he changed his mind and he gets to be a parent and he's asking me not to be - jealousy that he gets to be the one his child will turn to when things are bad or good; he may be a grandparent one day and I'll never have that - despair because he's changed his mind back and forth so much and I have no control over it - worthless because I have an irrational thought that he doesn't love me enough I'd just turned 33 when we met and I'm now not far off 36.. So, to add to the despair, the clock is ticking. He is the same age. This has impacted my personal life for months now and it is starting to affect my job. He and I are both seeing a counsellor and we have our first relationship counselling session coming up. He's been nasty and uncommunicative since seeing his counsellor which worries me. You see, we actually really do love eachother very very much and want to be together. This is why we're fighting so hard for it. Any advice or words or help would be appreciated. Has anyone been in this same situation and what did you do?

Tiger04 I don’t know what to do
  • replies: 1

My husband and I have been going through a horrible 5 months. But I have been unhappy for 2+ years. It was a lot of things adding up over time then we moved states for his work where I left my whole family behind. He (to me) wasn’t very understanding... View more

My husband and I have been going through a horrible 5 months. But I have been unhappy for 2+ years. It was a lot of things adding up over time then we moved states for his work where I left my whole family behind. He (to me) wasn’t very understanding. He knew I was upset sure, but to him it was like oh well you’ll get over it. It took a good 6+ months to get out of my funk. In that time we were arguing a lot because we weren’t helping each other enough. One day he got angry and screamed at me to F off back home and grabbed me and literally threw me outside telling me to leave. Ever since then I’ve wanted to leave him. I was just going with the motions really. Fast forward to last year and my dad got really sick and ended up passing away. My husband was supportive in that he took time off work so I could go back home to say goodbye and plan the funeral for my father. When I got back he kept talking about the money my dad left behind (it wasn’t much) and that oh the money will be good for HIS business..... when I said he’s not having it he chucked a tantrum and called me a b*tch. He put the money into his business. I was too upset to argue. Not long after that, with his business and day to day job I became non existent to him. Any time I tried to talk too him he didn’t even know I was there. When I wanted to spend the weekend together as a family, he was working or just didn’t want too. Not once (apart from when I just came back from my hometown) did he ask if I was ok or even just do small things to comfort me. I’m not the type of person to go and cry in someone’s arms when I’m upset and he knows that. He also made a female friend (according to both of them nothing happened) and he started going out with her every weekend drinking. She started calling at 2am to be saved. He nearly followed her to another state because she was running away from her problems. He says I never brought up my problems with that whole situation, except I did, he just never listened to me. Then I stupidly had had enough and I cheated. He found out and it’s been a rough, tumultuous 5 months. He was angry which is understandable and I admit my actions were absolutely wrong and not the answer and I have no excuse. He became violent as well though and although he’s never hit me, he has grabbed me, pushed me down, screamed in my face, broken things (tv, shower screen, holes in walls) and our children have been witness which is even worse. I’m done now. I want out!

Gor Lost Dad
  • replies: 3

I will begin by apologising if this is a bit rambling. I've never done this sort of thing before but I'll give it my best shot... I have three kids (one is older and has left home, 16 and 10). When I first became a father I loved it to no end. I was ... View more

I will begin by apologising if this is a bit rambling. I've never done this sort of thing before but I'll give it my best shot... I have three kids (one is older and has left home, 16 and 10). When I first became a father I loved it to no end. I was fully involved, enthusiastic, loving every minute of it and so hopeful for the future. This has changed in recent years where I'm feeling discouraged, disconnected and almost lonely in a way. Whereas we used to do all sorts of things together, my sons now only seem to be interested in video games when we're at home and I feel like it's a real struggle to get them to do anything with me these days. A day can easily go by without saying much to each other other than me telling them to get ready for school or a chore isn't done right. We're always fighting about chores and it's really starting to affect the relationship with them and also my wife. Even small things seem to set me off these days and I'm tired of it. I know my family are too... I know some of it has to do with my job. I'm now running an office on my own that used to have two other employees so I feel like the world's weight is on my shoulders at work. You'd think I'd look forward to getting away from the office and to going home to be with my family but it just doesn't seem to be that way lately. I really feel like there is a toxic environment at home and I'm just feeling a little lost as to try and figure out a way to turn things around... Any advice would help. Thanks for listening.

Guest_598 Emotional affair?
  • replies: 16

Hi All, Last year,my husband and I went through a rough patch because his female colleague was quite sexually explicit and he didn't like my response to hearing things - potentially out of context. At the time,it caused me huge trust issues especiall... View more

Hi All, Last year,my husband and I went through a rough patch because his female colleague was quite sexually explicit and he didn't like my response to hearing things - potentially out of context. At the time,it caused me huge trust issues especially because he was criticising me and society for being so stringent about only having one partner once you marry etc. He later confirmed that he didn't mean what he said and that he just blurted things out while being emotional. But the damage to me self-confidence was done,especially because he is still in touch with that woman. She left the company but now,instead of moving interstate, separated from her husband with whom she has had issues for some time. We have had many conversations about my trouble to deal with my insecurities since then and I believe fully that there is nothing physical between them. I also believe that he truly loves me. But despite how often he tells me,I cannot shake my concern that he may build an emotional bond with her. Back when it was heated,I asked him to remove her from facebook which he did. I was never a jealous woman but since then I am worried about everything and feel I cannot get back to trusting him. Especially because he lied to me back then and said he was not talking to her, but then I saw the comments. Now I found out that he has her added on Google Hangouts. I did not know Hangouts existed but casually asked him whether he knew it. He said yes but when I asked whether he was using it,he said no. Then I saw that he had been checking it at 11 pm the night before. Afterwards he googled what to do when your wife doesn't want kids but you do which is something that has come up recently. So I'm scared that he has created that secret bond with this other woman who has a little son he likes. Today,I told him that I am concerned that he is building an emotional connection with her and he said that that's definitely not the case and that he just likes the professional exchange with her. But why would he create an account in google hangouts just for one contact,her?doesn't that mean there is a bit more of a special desire to stay in touch even if it's non-physical. I told him I don't like all the secrecy because if she is like any other friend,why can't we talk openly? He says he is now so afraid of my negative reaction when we talk about her that he doesn't feel comfortable mentioning her. I tried to explain that honesty and transparency would remove the problem

bellaheart WHY do I attract losers?!
  • replies: 18

Hi I am here to vent! I hope that is ok? I hooked up with a guy last Easter. That was all it was meant to be! He has no job, no licence, no car, no friends, no pets, no kids.....nothing other than a horrid ex housing trust house that he owns...oh and... View more

Hi I am here to vent! I hope that is ok? I hooked up with a guy last Easter. That was all it was meant to be! He has no job, no licence, no car, no friends, no pets, no kids.....nothing other than a horrid ex housing trust house that he owns...oh and his obsession with playing his guitar (very badly I might add). Meanwhile I am a successful woman with a great job and a lovely house and a darling child. I know...I can see it already just typing this! He very quickly infiltrated my life....he would never meet my friends...I never met his (as he doesn't have any)....I think all he does all day is play his guitar and play with himself?! He got angry right off that I was on RSVP....omg that was my red flag that I IGNORED?! Long story short I dumped him many a time and he would keep crawling back....it got to the point where I couldn't stand his bogan way of speaking and his constant interruptions and condescending manner (whenever I was driving somewhere he would act like the back seat driver...he has never even driven a car?? He is 41??). Yesterday I finally found the guts to dump him 100%. He had been ridiculing my son and nobody does that! He was coming over here; getting lovely meals (and his rocks off; which incidentally I NEVER did?!)..I spent hours (of my rare free time) working on his cv etc as he was apparently applying for jobs on Monday. I asked him Monday pm how the job apps went..he replied "I didn't do that I have been working on a new song"?! The appalling thing is that he texted me saying he has been totally miserable since seeing me?! I told him 'I would be miserable too if I had nothing to do all day'!! I know this may all sound really asinine but I am so furious..at myself! For tolerating him for even five minutes! I am on medication for anxiety as I have had a very traumatic life...this whole thing just makes me so mad at myself!! He is not the first guy I have wasted time on...my history is full of them!! I will not let this guy make me feel bad. I just don't get why these these type of guys all flock to me I am a very caring and compassionate person (maybe that is why?) when it comes to children and animals! Not so called 'men' in their forties who are obviously lacking in every aspect??? sorry for the rant BH

Lolue When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.
  • replies: 28

5-6 months ago I broke up with my bf, I instantly regretted it and wanted to get back together but my boyfriend said no as he has previously gotten back together with an ex and he said it lead to resentment. I really miss him. I tried going on dates ... View more

5-6 months ago I broke up with my bf, I instantly regretted it and wanted to get back together but my boyfriend said no as he has previously gotten back together with an ex and he said it lead to resentment. I really miss him. I tried going on dates but it felt like someone had punched a hole in my chest. I would stupidly msg him even though I knew he wouldn' reply. We also got angry at each other when I tried to organise to get a book back I ended getting his house mate' gf involved to help get the book back. This made him angry of course but I did get it back. Despite everyone thinking he' an asshole I still miss him and want to get back together. Despite him coming across as having an ego he does have his good points. I don' know what to do anymore.

citran86 Rletionship breakup help
  • replies: 2

Hi all, So short version is I was with a girl I loved for the better part of 3 years, proposed to her at 2 years and she said yes, had a son 6 months later but now she ended everything saying shortly after his birth she gradually stopped being in lov... View more

Hi all, So short version is I was with a girl I loved for the better part of 3 years, proposed to her at 2 years and she said yes, had a son 6 months later but now she ended everything saying shortly after his birth she gradually stopped being in love with me and didn't feel anything for the fact I proposed to her anymore. We're stuck living together for another few weeks until I can find another place, due to me not being able to afford the home by myself rent-wise and I don't want to force it on my son, and all I can think about is why didn't want to keep trying to fix things between us. I've asked but all she can tell me is it was something in her head and isn't something that can just be fixed like 'that'. I understand that but after making such a big commitment to her, my son too now aswell, I can't understand not doing more to do everything possible to make our family and 'us' work. There was no abuse, mental or physical. Sure I wasn't the picture perfect person when helping with things sometimes but nobody is however I have a son and stepdaughter from a previous relationship so I am well aware of what I should and should not be doing to support her and him. We were the best of friends during the entire time however now I find it so difficult to give her the time of day to talk to me, let alone about her feelings about everything because she chose this instead of speaking to me when it may have worked out. So I guess my main question to anyone is how do I look at her differently enough to let her talk about her feelings like she needs, maybe me also at the same time, when she has directly said that we are not going to get back together at all. Thanks, Rob

Colt Dealing with irrational accusations
  • replies: 6

I became separated from my de facto relationship of 20 years standing 3 months ago. Since that time my former partner has decided that she does not want to see me because she says she is scared of me, even though I have never been in any way aggressi... View more

I became separated from my de facto relationship of 20 years standing 3 months ago. Since that time my former partner has decided that she does not want to see me because she says she is scared of me, even though I have never been in any way aggressive, intimidating or threatening. Certainly not violent. Our two children are very comfortable in my company and come round to my temporary rental accommodation regularly. I have honoured my former partners request that I not attempt to make any direct contact with her and have only gone round to our former shared abode to pick up my son to take him out. I have made it clear whenever I needed to do that. I thought the passage of time would see her able to discuss with me an amicable settlement and have attempted to arrange some interaction through mediated communication with Relationships Australia, but she has refused to take part in that. Last week I received an email that she compiled with the help of legal advice. This email suggested what was presented as an amicable agreement, but I found it anything but that for several reasons. It also suggested that I had committed family violence, which I found utterly ridiculous since I have always considered family violence abhorrent and can not see how any of my behaviour could possibly be interpreted as family violence. So the question is - how do you deal with such an avalanche of false accusations? I have felt very betrayed and depressed because my former partner has a chronic illness, we survived on my income alone and I was essentially her carer for 20 years. None of anything that is happening makes sense to me. I have thought very hard about it (obviously) and have come to the conclusion that I have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. So I am comfortable in my own skin. It is still hard to deal with though. I got some very good advice from an old friend who told me that it is best to not get angry but to be firm about what I want. They seem to be good rules so I have followed them. Irrationality is still hard to deal with though. Has anyone else had to deal with this sort of situation? Thanks, Col

pepperxo How to give someone space?
  • replies: 1

When my boyfriend broke up with me it came as a complete shock, we were in such a good place, loved each other a lot and were both extremely happy together. He said he 'couldn't be 100% in it right now'. I found it/still am finding it extremely diffi... View more

When my boyfriend broke up with me it came as a complete shock, we were in such a good place, loved each other a lot and were both extremely happy together. He said he 'couldn't be 100% in it right now'. I found it/still am finding it extremely difficult to accept that since he means the entire world to me and all I want is a second chance at us. Everyone keeps telling me that the best thing for us right now is space but he knows everything about my mental health and anxiety. Things have been extremely difficult for me these past couple of months, with frequent panic attacks and just crying all the time. I was worried I was pushing him away but he said it wasn't my fault but I still blame me which hurts. He's the person I turn to with everything and being in the situation right now where I have no friends, this has come as a very difficult blow for me. I just don't know what to do, I'm sick of being upset and feeling so alone.

Deniseisascorpio How Can I Help My Mother in Law?
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone, I'm a newbie. My 85 mother in law (MIL) became an amputee (above leg) ten years ago. She’s never recovered, physically or emotionally. She lives with hubby, 83 (FIL) in a 3 bedroom townhouse high on a hill. She doesn’t drive and he won’t... View more

Hi everyone, I'm a newbie. My 85 mother in law (MIL) became an amputee (above leg) ten years ago. She’s never recovered, physically or emotionally. She lives with hubby, 83 (FIL) in a 3 bedroom townhouse high on a hill. She doesn’t drive and he won’t for long. She walks with a cane (rarely) or uses a wheelchair and is housebound due to the hill. Recently I found a 1.5 bedroom unit in an independent living situation, five minutes from where they currently live. It is immaculate and highly regarded. It is north facing with a beautiful garden outlook, on the ground floor, with flat access from the unit less than 50 metres to the dining room, library, and more. Every person I watched or talked to there told me how much they love living there, and staff greeted residents by name. The grounds are extensive, with beautiful gardens, lots of activities and places to be outside. Her best friend lives 5 minutes away and is allowed to dine with them any time. A deposit has been made at the request of FIL, who changed his mind the following day. He said he’s “not ready to move yet” because he wants to watch his potted pansies flower and listen to the races without headphones. We have about six weeks to decide and want to proceed. The quality of life for my MIL, particularly when she is a widow, will not present itself again. Alternative options require two-year waiting lists and cannot compare to the safety, security and happiness that this arrangement will provide to a severely incapacitated person. We have tried every gentle way we can to help them to see what great advantages there would be living in this place. I said they would only need a full fridge and overnight bags and I would do the rest. They also have six months grace in case they change their mind and can get all their money back, except the rent used to date. The MIL won’t say anything, and does what FIL says. He is quite brash and overbearing and has not taken her needs into account at all, or maybe is just unable to. Ongoing ACAT care has been arranged, so life will be comfortable and easy with many benefits they don’t currently have. They can do as much or little as they like, fully supported. They can even take a bus to visit their well-loved shops to do their errands, no driving required. How do we convince them (FIL)to take the chance, without browbeating them? Thanks in advance for your helpful suggestions xoxo