My fiance no longer wants to have a child with me

[NotTheMama]

My fiance is a father to a beautiful 8 year old who he had with an ex of his (they accidentally became pregnant 3 months into the relationship). He tried his best to stay in the relationship but it ended bitterly with his ex physically taking the child 7 hrs drive away, taking the house and placing him in debt.

We met 4 years after the relationship with his ex ended and we fell for each other very quickly. Within three months we were talking about our future together and I said I wanted to have a child with him to which he responded that he could see himself having a child with me. After another year and a half of an incredible, loving, healthy, trusting relationship he sat me down and said he wanted to have a child with me. He proposed three days later and we decided to get married first and then start trying on the wedding night.

It has now been 6 months since then and he has changed his mind about a child. He loves being a father but has shame and fear as a result of the past. I'm trying really hard to love the idea of freedom and money and being child free. But I just have to see a couple with a young child and I'm balling.

I feel:

- grief for the mother I'll probably never be

- anger that he changed his mind and he gets to be a parent and he's asking me not to be

- jealousy that he gets to be the one his child will turn to when things are bad or good; he may be a grandparent one day and I'll never have that

- despair because he's changed his mind back and forth so much and I have no control over it

- worthless because I have an irrational thought that he doesn't love me enough

I'd just turned 33 when we met and I'm now not far off 36.. So, to add to the despair, the clock is ticking. He is the same age.

This has impacted my personal life for months now and it is starting to affect my job. He and I are both seeing a counsellor and we have our first relationship counselling session coming up. He's been nasty and uncommunicative since seeing his counsellor which worries me.

You see, we actually really do love eachother very very much and want to be together. This is why we're fighting so hard for it.

Any advice or words or help would be appreciated. Has anyone been in this same situation and what did you do?

[Guest_7403]

Heya!

Im a male 34 with 2 kids (5 and 3) engaged to a beautiful girl who has a 5 year old.

I too had told myself i did not want more children and had promised myself to not have anymore, as even at the best of times shared parenting is stressful and more financially straining.

But after 12 months i just naturally changed my mind because of the person im with and the life we have.

I listed all the usual reasons, didnt want more, money, what if we break up and id have kids too two different partners...

But i believe time changes those feelings and I hope for your sake its a similar situation

best of luck

[Doolhof]

Hi Not the Mama,

My heart goes out to you. I really do hope you are able to have an open and frank discussion with the relationship counsellor. It may take a few sessions though as there is obviously deep hurt on both your sides.

Being a female, I understand your desire to be a Mum. I was unable to have children in the end and have learnt to enjoy other people's children in my life. It is not what I had desired at all, just what happened.

One thing I have learnt is that anger, a sense of resentment, being unjustifiably denied something, a sense of loss and grief can be soul destroying.

No matter what happens, I hope you are able to deal with your emotions, thoughts and feelings in a healthy way to help you on your journey of life.

Wishing you well, cheers from Dools