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When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

Lolue
Community Member
5-6 months ago I broke up with my bf, I instantly regretted it and wanted to get back together but my boyfriend said no as he has previously gotten back together with an ex and he said it lead to resentment. I really miss him. I tried going on dates but it felt like someone had punched a hole in my chest. I would stupidly msg him even though I knew he wouldn' reply. We also got angry at each other when I tried to organise to get a book back I ended getting his house mate' gf involved to help get the book back. This made him angry of course but I did get it back. Despite everyone thinking he' an asshole I still miss him and want to get back together. Despite him coming across as having an ego he does have his good points. I don' know what to do anymore.
28 Replies 28

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Lolue, welcome

That hollow feeling I know too well. Hurt, pure hurt.

An old man once told me "never go backwards" i think he was right because we tend to forget how bad things were and- it wont change.

You have done well going on dates, continue to do so. Time will heal and true love will help even more.

Youll know you have met a netter guy when...he wants you back after a split

Tony WK

Lolue
Community Member
So I stupidly tried calling him again a few times and messaging him asking again if we could talk or go out for a coffee. Again I got nothing. All I'm doing is just making myself look crazy and making myself feel terrible. I can' even get out of bed and go to work. I'e always been the kind of person that will fight for the person that I love, but I can't seem to fix this. I feel so broken. And here I am wasting my time on someone who can' even reply with a no or go away. I have guys that want to go on dates with and focused on my ex. I don' know what to do anymore.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Lolue~

I'm very sorry you feel so bad at the moment. If a relationship means anything at all at the time then there is an awful lot of grief and loss when it ends. Maybe this is even worse than if someone dies, as the object of you affections is still in view - and seems almost attainable.

People say that as times goes on the heart views the past with rose-tinted glasses, and I guess to some extent that is true. Here you acknowledge his faults but still want to put the clock back. Perhaps your mind is remembering all the good things you felt and not the bad ones. Unrealistic.

So what to do? Well you said you were the sort of person that fought for someone you love, it really is time you fought for you. You have started by going out on other dates. By posting here.

Try to imagine a proper relationship, where your partner is there for you - not someone who is calculating and says it won't work - who wants you happy and secure.

Tony WK is quite wise in saying "Youll know you have met a better guy when...he wants you back after a split"

I've faced loss, and it does get better, then you meet someone else.

Croix

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Welcome Lolue,

I have just read Tony and Croix's helpful and caring replies to you.

Breakups are so hard and emotional.

You understand that you are 'wasting your time on someone who cna't even reply with a no or a go away' and you have dates who want to go out with you but you say you are still focused on the ex. As Croix says it is timeyou fought for you focused on you.

Many people will relate to your story and your honesty. I had a relationship break up and even though I wasn't happy in the relationship I kept worrying if I had done the right thing.

Then I started looking forward and not backwards . It is not easy and it does take time but it is worth the effort.

Quirky

Lolue
Community Member
It' not as though I've only looked at the good memories, I have made myself think of the bad memories as well. I still think we could work through everything.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Lolue~

The very last thing I want to do is hurt you, however I would be doing you a disservice if I did not tell you how things look from the outside.

You broke up with this person, and although you did not say why that chances are it was for a reason that seemed good at the time.

You changed your mind and wanted to get together again, but was rebuffed. Now this refusal seems to me to be important because it did not take you feelings into account, but simply coldly calculated the odds.

Since then you have tried to contact you ex-boyfriend and have had no reply. He was not even prepared to see you got your book back.

This does not look in the least hopeful.

Again I'm very sorry you are so grief-stricken by this ending, however you can't prop up a relationship all by yourself, it takes two, and if he is simply not willing then you are stuck. While you may feel it is possible to work things out he shows no sign of being willing to so this.

There are often reasons when one cannot accept the ending of a relationship. Wishful thinking is one, a feeling that because you put so much effort and emotion into it there must be something there. Perhaps even that it was the only one for you and there'll never be another the same.

I would suggest that even if your heart cannot break away you act as if it has, go on dates and resume your life as best you can. In time things will change.

Croix

blueskye
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Break ups suck but what sucks more is dwelling in the past.

Your ex is an 'ex' for a reason. He's in the past and you have to move forward.

He got together with another girl so he isn't really worth fighting for. Waste your energy on working on yourself instead. Some ideas - join the gym (the group fitness classes like zumba is fun!), go out more with your girlfriends, pick up a hobby etc.

Do your best not not think about him. Block/delete him off social media if you find yourself constantly checking up on him.

Remember the saying - there are many fishes in the sea? It's true.

Lolue
Community Member
Um I never said he got together with a another girl, as far as I'm aware he' currently single.

Lolue
Community Member
So I started seeing a psychologist so I'm getting professional help. In regards to my ex I think today I've finally reached the point where he isn' worth it and he' just a toxic person. We have to work together although in different buildings but there are times when we have to see each other at work events or he has to come to my work building. I really wanted to have him my life even as friends (I know that can be unrealistic but there is cases where people have been able to remain friends with their exes) , I have offered numerous times to sit down and have a chat to help either get closure or to help get us to comfortable speaking terms always offering to do it on his terms. But he has continued to ignore me even refusing to not to agree to saying hello as we pass each other work. Again I don' think it' unreasonable to ask to be polite at the times we do see each other cause this will not only make things less awkward for us but also for the people around us. But again he has just given me silence. I have decided until he learns better communication skills and how to deal with his problems and not bottling them up any kind of relationship he has is just going to be toxic and one ided. Cause I know I would offer my full support to him. I wrote down a response I thought of if he were today to start talking to me as I found writing helped.