When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

[Lolue]

5-6 months ago I broke up with my bf, I instantly regretted it and wanted to get back together but my boyfriend said no as he has previously gotten back together with an ex and he said it lead to resentment. I really miss him. I tried going on dates but it felt like someone had punched a hole in my chest. I would stupidly msg him even though I knew he wouldn' reply. We also got angry at each other when I tried to organise to get a book back I ended getting his house mate' gf involved to help get the book back. This made him angry of course but I did get it back. Despite everyone thinking he' an asshole I still miss him and want to get back together. Despite him coming across as having an ego he does have his good points. I don' know what to do anymore.

[Birdy77]

I know hiw you're feeling, it's just awful.

I know it's hard to accept, but it could be that it was easy for him to move on ... that turned out to be the case for my ex, and it wasn't until later that i worked out that they were narcissistic, and narcissists don't function normally in matters of the heart. I'm not saying your ex is like mine, but you did say earlier that everyone else thinks he's an a hole?

Isn't it frustrating to look back on all the horrible things that happened, and still want to be with them?

For me, it was almost like a drug, like if i could just have a little crumb from my ex, it would mske me feel so good, but then if i didn't keep getting crumbs i felt horrible withdrawals, is that something you can relate to?

(I'm just trying to gauge you're feelings so i can get a better understanding, i don't mean to be harking on about the negatives, but it also may help you to know if you're feeling this way, you're not alone).

[Lolue]

Yea having an ego or being a narcissist is how a lot of people would describe my ex.

yeah can definitely relate to the feelings of withdrawals.

Its hard cause we didnt break up because i stopped loving him i just felt like i was being pushed away and too be honest i felt like everyone wanted us to break up and kept feeling that way after getting advice from friends. we broke up cause we weren't in good head spaces. And that why its also hard to hear hes cut me out and moved on so easily.

[Birdy77]

It's such a pity you have to see him so often around work, because really the best thing to help you start to move on from this is to not see him at all.

If he is a narcissist, what you give him is his "narcissistic supply". And as soon as he can find that supply elsewhere, he's good to go (no looking back, move right on).

You, on the other hand, would like answers and closure & other things, but I'm pretty sure you won't get these things from him, given your description of him. So, the answer for you, lies in taking care of yourself, and giving Lolue the care and comfort that you will never get from him.

It's going to take a lot of time and patience to break these ties you have with him. They are toxic ties that will continue to zap your energy and feelings of self-worth.

Do you have activities and things you like to do outside of work?

[Ellie05]

Hi Lolue,

It sounds like you're in a lot of pain right now. Do you have a friend or family member you can lean on for support? It's normal to grieve the end of a relationship and it will take some time to come to terms with what is a massive change in your life. Whilst it might not seem like it, having read your posts I do think you are slowly getting there.

Your ex has cut off communication. This is probably just what he feels he needs to do in order to move on. If he is a narcissist as was suggested it could also be that he enjoys the power trip of ignoring you and your need to connect given you were the one to break things off. Either way contact with him is likely to lead to more pain and frustration. If you really feel the need to apologise this is something you can do via a letter or email once you feel you are really over him and are in a healthy headspace.

So you got a little carried away with calling and texting your ex? Well we all do things which are irrational when love or loss is involved (especially if it's both). You're just working through this process in the best way you know how so it's important to be as kind and forgiving to yourself as possible. It's totally normal to feel shame and guilt when experiencing grief or loss as our mind gets hijacked by negative thoughts. Just remember that at worst your actions were an annoyance to your ex and no real harm was done to anyone. I once read an article about a girl who was so devastated by a breakup that she'd stalk her ex in her car and even broke into his apartment and peed on his bed. So as far as crazy ex girlfriends go, I reckon you're doing alright.

Is there any type of exercise that you enjoy or do on a regular basis? I find that going for a walk in nature or going for a swim really helps me with my negative thinking patterns.

[Lolue]

So I haven't contacted my ex since January, my health hasn't been very good but it's helped kept me distracted. At the very beginning of January the psychologist I was seeing noticed I had lost quite a bit of weight so immediately booked me into see a doctor who told me I was underweight. My doctor is so lovely I always hated going to doctors and felt uncomfortable but my new doctor is lot more easy to approach. I got referred to a new psychologist who I feel is a much more better fit for me and who' had clients who are underweight before aswell. I now get weighed twice a week by both my doctor and psychologist and have weekly blood tests. I also just had an ultrasound done on my liver to check out stuff there. All this has helped for the most part keep my mind off my ex. Today which is why I'm writing is one of days I'm thinking about him again. I honestly try not to think of him cause I start missing the support when I did get it from him but then I start thinking if he were to contact makes me angry I'm here dealing with all this health stuff and don't want it to be so easy for him to come back especially when I need support from friends. Thankfully though I haven't heard from him, cause I need to get myself to a much more healthier and stronger place both physically and mentally. Sorry really just needed to write my thoughts down.

[Lolue]

Ah I feel like I'm on a Rollercoaster of emotions one minute I'm fine the next I'm having a breakdown on he bus. I feel like my depression I have is affecting me with moving on with my ex. I still have thoughts where I'm begging him to take me back. It' been 2 months since I contacted my ex I'm glad I stopped messaging him cause I don' want to be that crazy ex. But I'm still affected so much by my break up after all this time I really feel like I'm struggling. I think it' mostly my depression. I' to unstable though to go on antidepressants and my psychologist is focused on my health at the moment but my depression is affecting my health the other night I was so emotionally upset that I was vomiting in the bathroom. I just want to be in a better place already.

[Lolue]

My next appointment with my psychologist is next week as couldn't go to my normal scheduled day due to a public holiday. I'm hoping to get some support in the mean time as I can' get out of the mood I'm in keep feeling down, crying and feeling like I'm going to be psyichally sick. If anyone could offer some words of encouragement, comfort or advice it would be greatly appreciated. I feel pathetic when I talk to my friends as I feel bad that I'm still so affected by what's happened and the thoughts I have.

[Birdy77]

Hi Lolue,

Sorry to hear you're still in so much pain. It will probably feel like a long week for you, waiting to see your psychologist.

I understand this awful place you're in, i really do. I was stuck in it for a long time, & i think a lot of it had to do with the fact that it was a toxic relationship with issues like codependency mixed in. My ex was a narcissist which added to it.

These are very difficult relationships from which to emotionally and mentally extract ourselves.

When i was in it, i had a lot of therapy, did a lot of walking, and read a lot about codependency & narcissistic abuse recovery. Some of these might help you, even just a little bit.

Have you read anything by Melody Beattie? If you google her, she has written some excellent stuff on helping ourselves out of codependency.

Melanie Tonia Evans has a great website on recovering from being in a relationship with a narcissist.

If you feel these don't apply to you, just ignore, but i would encourage you to look them up.

I am happy to talk more with you about these things.

You asked for words of comfort and encouragement ... there is a thread here in the Staying Well section actually "Words of comfort, encouragement and wisdom" that i started, it might help you to have a look there and read some of the things people have posted. It might soothe your aching heart a little.

Do you have any plans today for your day off?

🌻birdy

[Lolue]

Hi Birdy77, thank you so much for replying! ☺

Thank you for the resources I will definitely check them out and do some reading.

I actually had to work today but I get paid more cause its a public holiday.

I will check out your thread "words of comfort, encouragement and wisdom" thank you for sharing that ☺