An Aching Heart in Need of Some Help
I'm new here and am in need of some help. I just got over the ugliest breakup of my life. I've always been prone to anxiety and depression but this is the worst I've ever experienced. About five months ago (I know, not even that long) I started seeing this guy who kept asking me out (he was a friend of a friend and I figured 'why not' just to be nice) and it wasn't long until we really connected and started seeing each other everyday and spending every minute together. I had recently gotten out of another relationship and I wanted to not take things too seriously because I didn't want it to be a rebound relationship and I was very clear to this guy about that. But, I fell super hard. This guy seemed perfect, he seemed really sweet and we liked all the same things and I absolutely loved the way I felt around him. He told me he loved me every morning and every night and I ultimately said I loved him too, which was very hard for me to say, but I think I really did love him at the time. Unfortunately, he was still sleeping with his ex girlfriend and multiple others that I didn't know about and started to treat me very strangely. He started stealing my phone and reading it while I was sleeping, he became very obsessive and would yell and swear at me when I didn't call him back, etc. I would naturally tell him that wasn't okay and started to question if I wanted to be with him, and then he would try to be nice and say he was sorry and just a bunch of emotional manipulation. It ended when one of his lady friends wrote him an anonymous note telling him she was pregnant. He called me and said that we needed to talk and ended up locking me in his house and forcing me to take a pregnancy test. I was so confused and had no idea what was going on. We got in a huge fight and I got scared and left. I blocked all forms of communication with him because I was so hurt. However, he then started contacting all our friends making very cruel and strange things up about me, because I'm guessing he's mad because we fought? I'm in shock at what a jerk he's being and all logic tells me that I'm lucky this happened now. But it's crazy, I miss him. I sound nuts, but I've become so depressed just thinking about him and missing him that I can barely eat and sleep. I'm not sure why I feel this horrible and sad, but it's been about a month and I can't figure out how to move on from this ugly part of my life. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks so much.
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, I am glad you are talking about this.
What a confusing time you have had, I can understand that you are having trouble moving on. There were obviously parts of this relationship and this guy that you liked a lot. My question is, were these parts real as such? Like you say, perhaps it was mostly 'emotional manipulation', the good bits were largely an act on his part. This is not to say that there isn't a nice guy under there somewhere and we can have compassion for him as he is obviously suffering through something. But personally, I would run a mile! From what you have said the things he has done are not right. I think it would take a psychologist to work out why he has done these things, I think it would be a waste of your energy to try and understand his actions.
So perhaps you are missing something that you had hoped for, but with this guy it wasn't to be. You deserve to have a better relationship, you know he was a 'jerk', perhaps you can start spending your time focusing on things that bring you peace and happiness. It has only been a month, it will take some time to get over this but know that you will.
Talk any time. Jack
dear Zooey, hello and thanks for coming to the site.
I do feel deeply for your situation and I feel so sorry for you that this has happened, because being in love, well there's nothing in the world that can ever beat this, and when this love is broken by whatever means it's heartbreaking.
When you have a partner which you are currently having a relationship with, either intimately or not and they are so dominating and controlling this is a warning sign that danger lays ahead, and even though it may seem as though they are your 'security blanket' might be so, but it's never a safe way to go, because as much as you may miss them, what it does mean is that you are giving yourself to them 100%, and that means that they have total control over you.
In the long run there will be heaps of problems and arguments, and you will be hurt physically and mentally and destroy your life, your progress and your self esteem.
This chap already has many different girls with whom he is seeing, and unfortunately you won't be able to stop any of this happening, it will continue and your heart will be broken so many times, maybe by being father to many kids and we never know what diseases he may get, sorry but this is a possibility.
You seems to be a lovely person, so please don't get caught up with him.
Would be great to hear back from you. L Geoff. x
This situation sounds awful :(! You are quite clearly able to determine the way he was treating you wasn't right or healthy or safe. Good on you for knowing what you deserve! But knowing and feeling are two different things...
I found an interesting thread on here which was about 'surfing the urges'. I think it's from the Staying Well forum...I'm not sure if it'll help you but it could be worth a try.
1. Distract yourself with an activity. Do something, talk to someone, count things. Hopefully it'll stop you thinking about him for even a short time.
2. Use dis-empowering thoughts. Say what you are thinking about him in a cartoon voice...internally or externally! Perhaps his emotional hold over you will dissipate if you picture him as Bugs Bunny or Homer Simpson.
3. Do the opposite action. I'm not sure how you would do this one....maybe you can think of the things you can do now you are not with him anymore?
4. Tell someone. Get help to monitor your behaviour so you don't fall into any traps. If you're alone write it down....maybe you can see how much time is being spent thinking about him. Once you've written it it may have less power and you'll be able to replace it with other thoughts.
I don't know if this will help you...
Good luck. Stay strong x
thank you so much for your reply! This definitely helps, thank you for posting this on here. You are completely right, knowing and feeling things are both very different, but I am trying to tell myself to move on even though it's super hard. But these are great things to replace thoughts of him. Thank you again, so much!
Coming from someone who has been in similar situation. The most important thing is knowing, and feeling what you deserve, and what you are worth as a person which is a great deal. Focus on yourself, what makes you happy, or at least what gets you through. It sounds like your ex is going through something very confusing as well, I'm sure he isn't proud of how he is behaving but likely doesn't know how to change it. But how he has treated you has no reflection on you, or what you are worth, it reflects only on him.
Its an old saying, but time really is the best healer, provided you are in the mindset of moving forward. Try to distance yourself from the situation, if you don't have to see him at school/uni/work etc, don't. It is near impossible to move on while we have reminders of those we still love scattered around, constantly triggering our feelings for them and it sounds like this relationship that is the kind likely to try and drag you back in if you let it linger. Depending on what you want, you could try blocking his number and or Facebook, and putting things that remind you of him away in a box out of site. I'm sure you are confused about how you feel, but from all that you have said, it sounds like he is not in place right now that is conducive to any sort of positive or intimate relationship. Maybe part of him wants to be, but he will have to figure that out for himself, and in time I'm sure he will.
But as of right now, today, you need to do what is best for yourself. You shouldn't feel scared by your partner and you should not have to share your partner with anyone else unless that is what you BOTH want. Considering you had previously had a relationship as well, perhaps you should take some time just to be with yourself, and to grow comfortable in that situation. You may very well already be, I don't know you, but I strongly believe that you can't have a healthy relationship with another person, until you have a healthy relationship with who you are.
It will take time, but each day it will get a little easier, until you wake up one day and wonder how you even got to this point. Recognise your own value, and demand the same from those you choose to share yourself with.
Hope you are doing well, Happy to talk anytime, about what is going on with you, my experience with similar relationships, or about some strategies that might help you keep moving forward when things get tough.