Am I wrong?

[Nick-Pari]

I absolutely love my boyfriend. He’s handsome, kind to my family and other and smart. I am currently studying and working at the same time. We have been together for 3.5 years now. He is a hard worker. I know that much. He works more than 75 hours a fortnight. My issue is, I’ve been feeling lonely in my own relationship. I don’t have friends to hangout with. I don’t have anyone close here. Not even family. I feel so guilty when I ask him to spend sometime with me because I’m my hearts of hearts I know he would rather be working. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Good topic. As a male I kind of, have fallen into that workaholic routine. Once a relationship has settled and is stable we tend to accept that its there and not much work is needed to maintain it. It is sort of taking it for granted but be aware- it has zero to do with love, the love is indeed there just it is ultimately proven in a crisis.

What my wife does is make bookings for nights out. "Oh, by the way Friday night we are going to the movies." Us men are hopeless in making bookings, we are more into the bigger picture not the details. 

I'm a romantic and my wife of 13 years goes all coy with flowers or valentines day chocolates, but many men arent. This signals the differences in men. Women often get jealous of women that receive this attention and rightly so, but it just isnt in some men, sadly. When we talk about the absence of this attention giving and its absence in their DNA it is not something that one can change, if you did then it would be fake, giving a gift under pressure. So one has to focus on the other good aspects on such a relationship like monogamy and not hanging out with the boys etc.

So, sometimes the answer to such problems is simple- ask him if he is doing anything Friday night. If the answer is "no" then you can tell him you and him are going to the movies or "going out" and leave it a secret. After the movies, pancakes and ice-cream is also good!

TonyWK

[sbella02]

Nick-Pari,

Thank you for sharing your story with us, and I warmly welcome you here.

It sounds like your boyfriend is either very committed to his work, or feels like he needs to work a lot out of necessity. Either way, he might appreciate some downtime every now and again. Does he work a relatively social job or is his work done by himself? This may also help give an idea of where his social battery may be sitting in his downtime. 

Do you have anybody you haven't reached out to in a while who you'd want to hang out with? Old friends, family members, neighbours, workmates etc.?

Otherwise, are there any clubs where you're studying, or would you want to hang out with any of your peers outside of studying (assuming you're not studying externally) or colleagues? These can all be great means of finding connections to help you feel less lonely in a general sense, if you're seeking social support outside of your partner.

With regards to your boyfriend, would you be comfortable having a chat with him? My ex and I would try and schedule in a day or two a week where we have an activity that we do, or even if we're just sitting in each other's company. I'm not sure if you and your boyfriend live together, but perhaps you could find a time per week when you could cook or go for a walk or something together, just so you can have that quality time where you're both thinking and talking about something other than work. 

I hope some of this advice can resonate with you. Please feel free to chat some more with us, we're here to listen to you.

Take care, SB