Always Feel Like a Disappointment to My Parent

[That_Weird_Chic]

Hey,

I always try my hardest at the things I'm passionate about and want to do well in. At school I'm constantly trying to get through the next class. I enjoy it but it feels like there's something missing. I always feel like I could do better. I'm constantly studying or practicing my instruments or doing assignments. When I get home I do my homework and have some downtime. Then when my parents get home, they are yelling at me that jobs aren't done or that I haven't ridden my horse or some other reason. There is always something wrong. When I try and do the job I do it wrong or haven't done it well enough. I just feel like I am constantly letting down my parents. That I'm a constant disappointment. Even when I do something and I'm proud of myself or when I know I haven't done well, they keep on telling me what I can do better or what they'd do differently. I feel like I'm a constant disappointment. They treat me differently from my other siblings to. They're always nicer to them, more patient, more forgiving, more lenient. I wake up early then the others and I always hear my parents go to their rooms, knock quietly and tell them to wake up nicely but when they come to my room they slam my door open and half yell at me to get up. I'm the first one read for school waiting for the others. They take their time but whenever I'm running the tiniest bit late, they are yelling at me to hurry up. It's like a constant cycle. Everyday I feel like a disappointment to my parents. Never doing anything right. Never doing enough. Never doing the right thing. I just want to feel like my parents are proud. That they are proud to say that I am their child. That they are happy with who I am. That they feel like I am worthy to be their child. I just don't know how, or even why. I don't know that if I ever won't feel this way.

Does anyone have any advice?

[Croix]

Dear That_Weird_Chic~

I don't think you are weird at all, I do think your parents may be making a mistake. It's true being a parent is not easy, lots of duties and responsibilities, but no guidebook or probably even people to go to for advice. Plus very often pressed and tired.

Now I do not know your parents, or the whole situation, just what you have written down. I will however make a suggestion about one of the common things that can happen as it seems to fit.

One of the hard things is when you want the best for your son or daughter and can see all the things that need doing. Succeeding at school, having musical accomplishment, developing the habits one needs to get on in life - and all the rest. With all that needing to be done it is very easy to fall into the trap of only 'pushing' all the time. I mean by that expressing disappointment if something is not done, or telling the young person to do this or that.

The sad thing is they can do this out of love and believe it is in their child's best interests.

After a while the young person starts to get the idea they are always wrong, that they are a disappointment and a failure.

To avoid that trap the parent has to 'lead'; not push. While it is fine to point out things that need doing it has to be balanced with praise and respect. Encouragement leads to the young person feeling better about themselves and more confident and happier. Saying your music lesson went well, or that it was good you were ready or a host of other things, or even just saying they are glad you are there, can make a world of difference.

Do you think the above might be the case? Perhaps you might be able to sit your parents down and discuss the matter? Most parents act out of love and will try very hard to be reasonable and look after their children.

Please let us know what you think

Croix

[blondguy]

Hey That_Weird_Chic

Croix (who just posted above) is spot on. You are not weird in anyway...In fact I see a proactive person who cares about herself and that makes you amazing..seriously!

I felt the same as you when I was younger and it was a pain to go through. You are a strong person who only wants some acknowledgment for your efforts and achievements .....and good on you!

Communication can be difficult yet so very important...whether its from your parents or yourself.

That said....from what you have posted above I strongly feel that you dont have a problem where communication is concerned.

Parental support/encouragement is gold despite their expectations

Just a note....I think you are an achiever by reaching out to us. Did I say that you are amazing?

you are not alone

I hope you can post back when its convenient for you 🙂

My kind thoughts.....and well done...we are proud of you

Paul

[GoodWitch]

It's true your parents may be pushing you out of concern, or yelling out of frustration about things that aren't entirely to do with you. But knowing that doesn't make it any easier to take when you feel like you're being unfairly judged in comparison to siblings.

You've done a great thing posting here. It shows strength and maturity to ask for help when you need it. It is possible you have fallen into a role in your family as the 'good' child, the responsible one (are you the eldest?), because you seem to be a high achiever. Unfortunately, what can happen then is that more is expected of the high achiever in the family because once the bar has been set high you are always expected to reach it. That ends up seeming to you that your siblings get it easy while you're the one getting the rough end of the stick.

I'm not sure that's what's going on but have a think about it and make your own mind up. I'm 46 now and only recently have I realised this was the role I was cast in my family (3 siblings, I was eldest girl/middle child). I was always held to a higher standard than my brothers and sister and it does take its toll. You wonder why nothing ever seems enough. My mother has her own issues I won't go into, which contributed to me feeling not good enough. but please know that if you are trying hard at school, maintaining friendships, enjoying music and other pursuits, you are doing really very well and indeed should be proud. Don't let what seems like your parents disappointment (and they may merely be not expressing themselves well, they may assume you already know how proud they are and don't have to say it) take your pride in your accomplishments away.

If you can, try to have a conversation with your parents about how you're feeling without it becoming a shouting match. Let them know you sometimes need to hear the words 'we're proud of you' or 'good job'. They may not be aware they're letting you down in this way.

Keep posting developments as they happen if it helps. Good luck Weird chic 🙂

[quirkywords]

That weird chic,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for your post that many will relate to.

Croix, Paul, and good witch have written very helpful and supportive posts.

It is hard being a parent and sometimes is not aware of the effect one is having in ones children. Are you the eldest?

you sound like a very hard working and enthusiastic student. I had a friend who got 95 in a maths test and her mum wanted to know why she lost 5 marks. I got 80 in same test and my mum made my favourite meal. I don’t remmeber the exact mark but I remember how happy my mum was as she new I tried my best.

i just want you to know you are not alone.

Quirky

[Hi_Everyone]

Hi,

So I’ve been doing really well academically for a while but my parents expect perfect scores like all the time. And in the notice that my parents recieve my best friend keeps getting mentioned all the time for getting into the finals of this competition and doing this extra music activity. And today my parents were screaming at me about how I am never mentioned even though I’m doing really well. I never get praise for my good scores because I always get compared to people who get better than me and I just feel like such a disappointment. My parents scream at me saying they don’t see me work hard enough even though I spend many hours working at night. I also am a big fan of a series of movies and my parents always tell me off but I just want to enjoy my life and have fun while I have the time. I just always feel like such a disappointment to them.