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ALL ABOUT THE MATES ! They are his priority.

Larlar
Community Member
So I have been in a long term relationship with my partner . We have 3 kids and are both in our mid 20s . When we had our first bubs we were very young and my partner would constantly go out . Spend all the money and do whatever he wanted . I use to tell myself it's because he was 18/19 andhewould get passed it but he has not . He still is constantly with his friends and leaves me and the kids to our own plans etc. I have had the discussion with him that it would be nice if he spent more time with us but am always greeted with the same agitated responses and excuses as to why he can't or doesn't want to . I'm confused because I can't understand why he wouldn't want to spend time with me or the kids and also as to why his mates are so appealing ?

Side note he genuinely doesn't think that he doing anything wrong and asks why I care so much . He never comes to my family events and I go to all of his and he always says we come first but we never actually do. Will he ever grow up or see that he is not spending enough time with his children ? I'm so over him being out every day and me doing all the caring and house work and kids stuff. I work part-time too and he hardly even watches them when I work ....

10 Replies 10

CrazyGecko89
Community Member
Certainly sounds like he's not ready to grow up or that he carries knowing there's little to no consequence to for his behaviour.

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Larlar

You translate your frustration so well into words. You've got me feeling seriously frustrated for you.

You have definitely grown up, without a doubt. How many challenges have you gown up or risen up to meet since having your kids? I'm a mum myself so I already know the answer to be 'Countless!' Being a mum is an incredibly maturing and deeply rewarding experience. My 14yo son and 17yo daughter are 2 of my greatest teachers in life which is why I have such a deep respect for them. I tell them that they grow me, up to meet my true potential. When you think of all the joy and challenges you've met through raising your kids, I imagine you'd agree that they're raising you too. Kids are a gift. They also remind us how to live simply, if we're paying attention.

So, the question regarding your partner could be 'Does he want to be raised to meet his full potential through the challenges and joy you and the kids offer or does he want to stay with what's comfortable? Does he feel comfortable with sameness (no change)?' You see where you are the true winner in this scenario; you can see how he hasn't accepted the gift right in front of him. Some folk can't see their own foolishness at times.

The inability to respond consciously equates to not being responsible. You are highly conscious and this comes through in your post. By the way, your kids a truly blessed to have such a conscious mum.

Okay, this is going to come across and pretty straight to the point but my objective is to simplify as much as possible:

  • You can really sell the family concept to your partner as though you're selling the best deal ever (one he can't live without). Eg: 'Have you ever tried to see how many times you can make the kids laugh in one day? It's a hell of a lot of fun'. If he has a basic hobby he loves: 'Have you ever thought of meeting the challenge that comes with teaching your kids how to master that hobby?' You get the gist. Manipulate through presenting basic challenges he can rise to, ones that may interest him
  • Sounds harsh but if he still won't budge you can focus on raising the kids and having them raise you through the money your partner brings in. He becomes a financial resource regarding you all rising to life's opportunities. Be aware, he may suddenly feel like he's being excluded, seeing that you don't seem that interested in him at a deeper level anymore
  • You could rise to the challenge of saving up and leaving to raise each other without him

Keep rising Larlar 🙂

Larlar
Community Member
Thankyou for taking the time to read and respond .
It gets very frustrating at times .Definitely have tried to sell the fun family thing but it's still not to appealing to him.

Refocusing is definitely looking like a good option.
Which makes me feel Abit sad for my little ones as I feel like there missing out on having a dad who is present and there for everything but I guess it has to be him who wants that too .

Thankyou again

Yes crazygecko I think you are correct . In terms of no consequence your correct there haven't been many as anytime he is unhappy or if you try to communicate with him and he doesn't want to he will go to friends or his mother's and she backs him by letting him stay there overnight if he wants too .

If he has no desire to grow up and take responsibility it may be time to put yourself and you're children first and move on without him as it sounds like he'll just stay with his mates or stay with mum. The last thing needed is for the kids to see his behaviour as the norm.

Lil_ant
Community Member

Hi LarLar,

Maybe it’s time for you to spend more time by yourself.

Can you enlist help from family or friends to help with the children.

You and the kids could even go and spend nights with your side. Have some laughs, or hopefully you can let them know about your problems and be able to talk it through.

Remember how happy you can be when you’re not focusing on your partners complete lack of wanting to be around his family.

Actually seeing you happy too will be more beneficial for the kids, despite having an absent father who chooses to carry on most times like he isn’t anyway.

All my best to 🙂

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi,welcome

Ive been around these types of men all my life, I can tell you he isn’t going to grow up within 10 years, more like 20.

This type of irresponsible man wants everything, is primarily selfish and has his world set up all for him. He would get a shake up if you left (or you forced him to leave) then he paid child support (31%of earnings over a certain amount) you got a pension with all the pensioner discounts etc. He wouldn’t have the money to spend with his mates.

It is obvious I get angry with this type of guy, and you are best to focus on your needs, take a stand and tell him that your relationship should be based on what is fair and best for your kids and you- as his priority. Eg he can attend your family gatherings twice a year, go on family picnics and be a more involved dad.

I can say that he won’t conform , maybe for a little while only . Remaining in your relationship purely because he is the father of your children is not a basis of happiness for you. Kids are resilient, they’ll adapt if you leave, you deserve a living committed partner even with kids in tow.

My final suggestion is relationship counseling. If he won’t go, go alone so you can collect ideas.

I wish you all the best.

TonyWK

Alot of what you have said is 100%true . He definitely has set himself up to be all about him . He spends money out with friends and your very correct he can do things for a while then goes right back to exactly how he was before.

I have also suggested counciling he said no way .but I should definitely consider going by myself . Thanks so much for your advice .

Larlar
Community Member
An update . I took on board the above comment s and after trying do discuss issues he came to the conclusion a break was needed . 4 weeks later he transitioned back ( I tried to set it up to be very easy on the kids . Not that they really saw much different to usual as he often is in and out ) .

And the comment above from Tony WK was quite true . He was fantastic for about 2 weeks and has gone back to doing what he wants when he wants. Worse is I feel he may have told his friends we broke up and that he is now telling them he is staying on my coach because ( in short version) I'm the best option of a bad lot. It's very upsetting and not sure how to forgive that and that he made alot of " younger female friends when gone in that time which does not vibe well with me .... So I'm very stuck and don't no how to manage it all . For my kids having him here is better but he has done some hurtful things on the " break"