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Affair with a married man... :/

UncertainlyMe99
Community Member
Okay, so this is a really big thing, me writing this. And before I say anything I just want to ask that if you choose to respond, please don't shame me, even though I probably deserve it.
I am a 21 year old woman and for a while now I have been having relations with a coworker. He is married. No kids. I have been working at this place for over 2 years, and we were such good friends, and were only that, up until a few months ago. I started feeling something when I worked with him (he is actually my boss and is 15 years older), as he started saying things to me which suggested maybe he wanted more. I tried to resist at first as I knew it was wrong and never thought of myself as someone who would ever do something like this. The thing is, we get along so well, and he just loves me for me.
I've always had low confidence, low self-esteem, rarely think I'll ever be good enough. And mostly I feel empty and like there isn't anything to look forward to. I never thought someone would ever fancy me and had never been with anyone up to this point. Before anything happened we would hang out a lot after work, sometimes with other workers, but mostly it was mainly just us. We would go and get something to eat, watch movies in the car, or go out and play a game of pool. He has been an amazing part of my life as he is basically the only reason I got my license- as he let me drive his car back home every night after work so I could get my hours up to go for my test. I couldn't drive much with mum as she would stress me out too much, and I don't have anyone else who could have helped me out really. So, usually we would go somewhere, or sometimes we just sat in the car and talked about anything and everything. At this point I never thought anything more of it. I never imagined it to be anything else, he was just a good friend who I knew always made me feel better.
He cares deeply about me I know that. And he constantly reassures me of it. I know he wont be leaving his wife, and even if you asked me whether I wanted him to, I can't even really give you an answer. I want him, and maybe even love him... But the whole situation is complicated. We stopped everything for about a week or so, but as I still went to work and saw him all the time, I just couldn't go back to friends. He respected my wishes and tried to resist, but the more he distanced himself, the more I felt like incredibly sad and angry and wanted him back.
26 Replies 26

Uncertainity I wonder if you feel have gained confidence by writing your posts on this forum.

can see a more assured person writing now. It isn't easy but I am glad you could open up honestly here.

Well, I like to write. One thing I really want to do is learn to play guitar and sing but ive been saying that for ages and don't start. I'd love to be able to express myself through singing- I guess in a way thats why I love writing. Although for the past 2 years or so I havent been doing much of it. But back in highschool (like 3 or 4 years ago) I was always writing as it helped me cope with the roller coaster of my mental health.

I like drawing (simple things really) and writing. I used to love the gym back in highschool I was like a gym-junkie, and it helped me so much manage my anxiety. I would go to the gym feeling down and an anxious mess, and id leave feeling on top of the world. Then there came a period after about a year of that where I was too lacking in energy and motivation (depression I guess) to even work out. I just couldn't do it. So I stopped going. Ever since then I've struggled to get back into exercise in general.

I like movies, but dont like to watch too many because they distract me from the real world (actually sometimes thats why I watch them, to forget the world.) Sometimes though they also calm me down when im not feeling great.

I think I really need to start focusing on self improvement somehow. Focusing on being a better person, in every aspect of life. And learning how to give things a go, because I feel like all I've ever done in my life is hold myself back... I mean no wonder I'm so insecure and down on myself, right? Its like there is nothing that has been achieved. I have nothing in my life to look forward to....

🙂

Uncertainlyme99

Guest_1643
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

to be honest that's the only way I find self worth, tiny little goals and self improvement

we all need to feel good about ourselves, whatever that means to us

i believe you're on the right track

Hi UncertainlyMe99,

I just want to commend you again on reaching out and expressing your desire to focus on being a better person. Like Sleepy21 said, it is important look after yourself in ways that make you feel good, and it sounds like you're on the right track!

It looks like you've got some great ideas for some hobbies. I also really loved going to the gym but with the current pandemic situation going on at the moment, I lost all my motivation and stopped exercising for a few months. I recently just started doing some workouts from home and it's been so helpful for improving my mood and productivity. How would you feel about starting to engage in one of the activities you mention? Engaging in activities you enjoy might help to give you something you come to be excited about and look forward to in your life. Please feel free to keep checking in with us here and updating us on how you go 🙂

Hi UncertainlyMe99

What a wonderful post to read about how you have started to reflect on the hobbies and interests in your life and what you have enjoyed in the past and things that you could reconnect with again. I love that you are thinking about writing again and exercise too. I hope that you can bring these back to your life.

I think it is a wonderful idea to focus on you, not to be a better person for others but to be a person who you love, to find love and happiness for you .. from you. I think once you can find some warmth and love for you, to take some time back for you things will start to feel better.

It is so great to chat some more to you.

Huge hugs

Sarah

Dear UncertainlyMe99

I am really sorry your boss has taken advantage of the workplace for this. BIG HUGS!

It must be SO HARD going through all this 'alone', I'm glad you have one IRL friend you can confide in. Everyone here has brought so much food for thought. What a great bunch lol.

Can you sit for a while and talk with the YOU 10 years from now and ask her what you should do?

This is NOT a healthy thing for you.
It's NOT a good thing for your workplace either.
I doubt this is his first manoeuvre and won't be his last.

Darling girl, you are worth UNIVERSES more than this person can ever give you.

He doesn't even want to.

He values himself ALOT and has completely undervalued you.

You can Google the "No Contact Rule" (in the workplace) and begin to really focus on yourself as others have suggested.

You can attract an available person who is GOOD to you and not have all this rubbish in your life.
But you will have to be good to yourself first IMO. AND KNOW YOUR VALUE.

You ARE valuable.
You are precious and worthy of a great relationship that you would be proud to tell EVERYONE about!

These are my wishes for you. Hold strong, predators in the workplace are not good shopping.

Love EM

Hi UncertainlyMe99,

Someone that's not been mentioned is the wife and possibly kids of your boss. My wife of 25 years was going through a stage and confided in a male at work who took it upon himself to provide the same company that your boss did for you. They ate out, watched tv- she called him a real good mate but it went too far. 25 years of marriage went down the drain, the kids went into therapy ( one turned to alcohol and drugs) and Mr Fantastic found someone else he preferred over my wife. She has apologised, but I can't see myself ever trusting her or living with her again as she was just too cruel to me while she saw Mr Fantastic, and then during our break up. I read how you say you want to be a good person. Stop and think of the others who will be impacted by his inappropriate actions, your worth so much more than a married man's fling.