Affair with a married man... :/

[UncertainlyMe99]

Okay, so this is a really big thing, me writing this. And before I say anything I just want to ask that if you choose to respond, please don't shame me, even though I probably deserve it.
I am a 21 year old woman and for a while now I have been having relations with a coworker. He is married. No kids. I have been working at this place for over 2 years, and we were such good friends, and were only that, up until a few months ago. I started feeling something when I worked with him (he is actually my boss and is 15 years older), as he started saying things to me which suggested maybe he wanted more. I tried to resist at first as I knew it was wrong and never thought of myself as someone who would ever do something like this. The thing is, we get along so well, and he just loves me for me.
I've always had low confidence, low self-esteem, rarely think I'll ever be good enough. And mostly I feel empty and like there isn't anything to look forward to. I never thought someone would ever fancy me and had never been with anyone up to this point. Before anything happened we would hang out a lot after work, sometimes with other workers, but mostly it was mainly just us. We would go and get something to eat, watch movies in the car, or go out and play a game of pool. He has been an amazing part of my life as he is basically the only reason I got my license- as he let me drive his car back home every night after work so I could get my hours up to go for my test. I couldn't drive much with mum as she would stress me out too much, and I don't have anyone else who could have helped me out really. So, usually we would go somewhere, or sometimes we just sat in the car and talked about anything and everything. At this point I never thought anything more of it. I never imagined it to be anything else, he was just a good friend who I knew always made me feel better.
He cares deeply about me I know that. And he constantly reassures me of it. I know he wont be leaving his wife, and even if you asked me whether I wanted him to, I can't even really give you an answer. I want him, and maybe even love him... But the whole situation is complicated. We stopped everything for about a week or so, but as I still went to work and saw him all the time, I just couldn't go back to friends. He respected my wishes and tried to resist, but the more he distanced himself, the more I felt like incredibly sad and angry and wanted him back.

[UncertainlyMe99]

Hi sisu100,

Thank you very much for your response and your support!

Im so very glad I have opened up on here because this isn't something I can really mention to friends or family. Or if I did, it would be an huge risk as there is so much at stake. I know most people will probably think the worst of me.

Its slightly unfortunate that my first relationship has to be like this. And there is a logical part of me that knows I will get hurt. Maybe there is no way around it.

Thank you for being there! I really appreciate it!

Hugs

[UncertainlyMe99]

Dear Jsua,

You are absolutely right. I do have to fall in love with myself, but unfortunately for as long as I can remember that has been my greatest difficulty. Perhaps the reason why I gave in to such a relationship and wasn't sure enough to stop it before it even began.

I find it difficult to stop questioning in my mind what he really wants out of this- it could be just some fun and excitement perhaps? But there is a part of me that still wants to believe he truly loves and cares for me. At least I believe he does, as he always has... but maybe even some types of love doesnt mean forever. He has said so himself that he is the bad guy, not me, as he is the one cheating on his wife. But then again, I feel if you continue to do something you know is wrong, what does that make you as a person? You know? I have betrayed even his wife- and to think I have actually worked with her before anything even started, and still let it happen. The lives I could impact if anyone were to somehow find out would be absolutely gut wrenchingly difficult. I could lose so many people in my life.

I really do thank you for commenting. I do truly believe that if I were more secure within myself I would never have let such a thing begin. But then again who is even secure and feeling okay at 21 years of age these days... its not an easy thing to come by.

Thank you for reminding me how important it is to be with someone in which I won't just be the other person, but I will be their only person.

Hugs to you

[UncertainlyMe99]

Dear Juliet_84,

You posed a lot of questions which I have been wondering myself. I wish I really knew his true intentions. He tells me he wants me constantly, he cares about me and demonstrates it constantly, he never tried to force me into anything (it has and has always been consensual) and waited. I don't think he is a bad person, but I do question whether he just began this for some fun and excitement. But then again with how he treats me, I feel it may be deeper? I have asked him before and he just said that we have a really good connection and that he fancied me for so long but never did anything about it until we both started joking about it and then something clicked that maybe it was mutual. Also we had had many comments asking whether we were a couple, considering how good friends we were.

That is true. I can't count on him other than on his day off work. The only means we have is message, and we do message every day without fail. Which makes me wonder whether it will end or he will get sick of me eventually? And the silly thing is I actually get jealous when he goes out with his wife- he rarely does anyways according to what he tells me as he is actually always working... but its so stupid for me to have this hope that it is more than just some fun.

I want to thank you for mentioning that about what is right and what is wrong. Its most likely both and all in between depending on which way you look at it. I guess its something really difficult to comprehend. There are not just moral factors, but many others too. Just to clarify though, I am not saying that in any way what I am doing is okay.... but regardless of what it is, its happened. It just is.

I guess i do need to focus more on what I deserve to outweigh what I have with him.

Hugs

[UncertainlyMe99]

Thank you Sleep21,

I do suppose redefining where my confidence can come from is a big part of coming to terms with everything. Maybe focusing on other things in my life (once I find other things), will help me to distance myself properly and move on.

That 30 day idea is quite good, and I will see how it goes. It will be difficult as we message every single day, twice or three times a day. And when we tried to stop before I was broken by how he wasn't messaging me, so i gave in. But I guess I will deal with that as it comes. It seems like the only way. But also, ive mentioned above in some other posts that I do need to search for a new job, and I believe that is going to be the only way to stop altogether. I've never been through a breakup but I like to think that avoiding the situation altogether maybe helps one forget about it? I am most likely completely wrong, and it also seems extremely unhealthy... but I have no experience to fall back on.

As you mentioned I do need to find ways to feel confident and feel better outside of this relationship, as I feel like I have nothing outside of it. So I will give it a good hard go!

Thank you so much for you response!

Take care always,

Uncertainlyme99

[UncertainlyMe99]

Thank you so much quirkywords!

Your support and taking the time to even write a comment really means a great deal to me. Thank you for reminding me this is a non-judgemental place. Even though I know that, I know this is a risky topic. Thank you for showing understanding, I appreciate it immensely.

Cheers!

[Tangney]

Hi. I agree with what was put in other post along the lines of ...sometimes things just happen. In saying that, I hear your pain and there is no judgment here. Please believe that I am thinking of you and you are valued.

[quirkywords]

UncertainityMe

i want to thank you for your individual thoughtful replies. I know it can be a bit overwhelming to reply so your detailed responses are valued.

Aldo by starting this thread and replying your words will help others who read the posts but don’t reply.
your honesty will help others in a similar position .

obviously you have to make the decision if you leave to a find job.
I have had a few break ups and they are all different,

if you like your job and it maybe hard to find another that will make it difficult fir you,However staying in your job and seeing your boss each day will also be difficult.

i admire your honesty and maturity which I did. It have at your age

Keep posting here as long as you like because writing down your thoughts can help,

take care

quirky

[Aaronsis]

Hi UncertainlyMe99

I hope you can see here by the support that you are not a bad person and that there is no need for judgement and for criticism, we are not here to smack you on the hand, you are doing enough of that to yourself. I hope that with the support that you are getting that you can see that there are different paths that you can take on this journey and mostly all of them lead to a stronger and happier you.

It does take time to learn to love and accept yourself and it will take some time too for you to forgive yourself, not for this relationship but for not loving you sooner, not considering your feelings first and not loving you for who you are. I hear you say that you don't really know where to start with this whole process, well you have already started, but reaching out here and taking the steps to acknowledge how you are feeling and also to make sense of this situation. Can I say another huge step will be to know one thing....you are not being abandoned here..you are leaving him, you are taking the steps to take care of you and walking away from a situation that I believe has no future and can only cause you pain. As you said " I actually feel jealous" when he is out with his wife, this is not a good feeling to have and you do not deserve this.

It will be almost like grieving in private, but you have us, you have your one friend and we are here for you, to sit with you and to chat and to listen. Walking away from him entirely will not be easy UM99, but I feel it is very necessary.

Taking a new job will also help, although I hear you, now is not a great time to be searching for a new role, so maybe also making some boundaries in your current one may help. As he is your boss this will be hard but you can make some commitments to you that you will only have work related conversations, no personal ones, that any conversation outside of this you will stop, no more text messaging...well these are my suggestion anyway..I am hoping you will agree.

What sort of things do you like to do, painting?, reading?, movies?...we can start to think about some hobbies and some ways that you can find ways to create joy and happiness in your life, I have just started painting and growing some veggies, both I have never done before and while I am not great at it, it is giving me so much joy.

Reach out to us when you feel like you need to reach out to him, we are here for you.

Hugs to you UM99

Sarah

[UncertainlyMe99]

Thank you very much Tangney for your support on this matter. I appreciate it!

Hugs to you and take care

[UncertainlyMe99]

Yes you are absolutely right... I have tough decisions to make either way really.

Thank you, I do hope that if anyone going through a similar situation somehow comes across this post... Its not an easy thing to discuss or even admit to oneself, let alone find help with it. I was surprised at how no one has shamed me passionately, as it would even make sense to me if they did- even if its not always what one needs to hear anyway. But I chose the right place to open up, and Im glad for that.

Thanks for your support quirkywords!

Take care, and hugs