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Affair and Rejection

Netes26
Community Member

First time post....I found out four weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with one of our employees. He intially refused to end the affair as he stated that he loved her and felt a connection. I fought so hard to keep him and our family together. He has left the affair now but states in marriage counselling that he is grieving the loss of her. He shows no remorse for me. He is pretty sure he doesnt want to come back to the marriage and seperation is the only way forward. We have three children, 10, 7, 17months. We have been together for 20yrs, married 15yrs.

He talked in counseling about the problems in the marriage....and they were all things we could work on with guidance.

The pain is enormous - I cant sleep, eat, function, lost a lot of weight. I had to quit my job - as I work in the mental health arena. I cry all day. I feel so abandoned and betrayed. I dont know what to do. My friends say I need to let him go. Ill find the strength to move on.

I dont want to be a single mum. I just want my husband back. But he doesnt love me anymore and not really wanting to reconcile. He is cold and detached. I feel broken.

We have seperated. He said last night that time might heal and maybe in a year things might look different, but for now we should seperate. I dont want to be sitting here in 1 year time just waiting to see if he decides to come back. The pain hurts so much. He shows no empathy for me, no guilt or shame.

Im so vunerable. Im so sad

Should I call it...or continue with marriage counseling?

6 Replies 6

Rubix
Community Member

I don't know that I necessarily have the answers for you, but I can certainly empathise with much of your situation and how it is affecting you. I've been 'together' and 'married' with my (estranged) wife for the same periods, with three kids that are slightly older than yours. We have also been separated now for over 5 years but have never really broken clean from each other. Though infidelity was not the cause of the breakup, it seems like it's just another symptom of insufficient work being put into the relationship by one or both participants.

I'm not sure of your full situation, but it sounds like you've been together since you were pretty young. It's unclear whether each of you had had many previous partners to gauge the relationship against. In my case I personally hadn't (she had been in a few). How much of his behaviour stems from a grass is greener mindset or a mid-life crisis of sorts is also unclear (only he would truly know).

I think many people have unrealistic expectations of marriage and fail to understand how the relationship will likely evolve over time. I don't know how 'successful' marriages do it, but that initial thrill would appear to inevitably fade and the enjoyment should come from other aspects we may not appreciate in the early days.

I understand how it affects your work (my career has stalled completely over that time) and I can relate to your fear of being alone. Naturally your kids would want you all back together (as do mine). I'm not sure if those aspects alone are justification for hanging on but I share those same feelings.

Unfortunately he may not realise that the same initial thrill will fade in other relationships until he's seen for himself. I feel that we just cart our own baggage from one relationship to the next and unless we can address our own failings future relationships are doomed also. We are also so busy seeing 'flaws' in the people in front of us (getting older, depressed etc) that we don't see the same flaws in ourselves. Meanwhile you're in limbo.

It's hard hearing friends and family telling you to move on when that's the only thing you've really known. You've invested so much of your life that starting over sounds impossible and 'too late to try'. The next relationship may be great or it may come with unforeseen baggage also.

A serious, 'no blame' talk may be required to understand what's really driving his behaviour. May make it clear if there's a chance to fix it.

I wish you luck, you're not alone.

Narla46
Community Member

Hi 3 weeks ago now I found out my husband of 15 years had been having an affair with a women and keeping her in the shed it's so hurtful and just heartbreaking we have 3 kids and he has come to see the kids a few times now and it just breaks my heart he keeps on saying that he cant come back cause of what he has done it's just so hard he is still with the other woman I feel like he is very confused with his dicision to be with her he also said the shed haunts him everytime he goes in there this sounds really bad but I just want him back

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Narla,

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry for what has happened. to you.

would you and your husband consider going to counselling together?

It must be a shock. Are you prepared to forgive him? I think it is hard if he says he cant come back but he is still with the other woman. That is so stressful for you.

The forum is a friendly and supportive place.

People may not see your post here so if you want you could start your own thread. Go back to All posts and pick a section that you want to put your thread in.

You are still welcome to post here.

Quirky

Maa
Community Member
Hugs for u for going through all this. I m on the other side of the fence so telling u my story so u could understand your husband’s feelings better because we are too clouded by our remorse and pain that we can’t see beyond. I was cheating on my loving husband for last 10 months, not physically but emotionally full blown affair with my first bf with whom I reconnected after 18 years. My affair broke few moths ago where the guy ghosted me and left me wondering. My dear husband is unaware of all this. I m depressed, have been ignoring my kids, family and myself. 2 friends who know abt it are saying all the time why I can’t look at my kids and sweet hubby, what have they done, why are u making them suffer but when u are in such situations u are incapable of looking beyond yourself. Give your husband some time. As my hubby always says if I truly love u, you will come back to me no matter what. Cry, scream do what u want, with time u will see he will come back. When u r not desperate to pull him back, he will return

Becsicles
Community Member

Hi Maa,

Unfortunately I can relate a little to your post. I keep reaching out to other men but have been with my partner for 13 years and we have three children together. It's mostly been emotional and sexual connections through texting and my partner keeps going through my emails and Instagram and Facebook to make sure I've stopped. I just don't know if I can.

The attention I get from other men makes me feel better about myself, a feeling I can't seem to get from anything else. We've tried relationship therapy, I suggested maybe we have an open relationship but he is not okay with this. I don't want to keep hurting him and I don't think I want to leave him but I want that thrill and excitement that comes from being with someone new.

I'm so lost, I don't know how to move forward without spending the next 40 years being miserable.

Thanks for listening!

Natalia123
Community Member
I am so sorry to hear that you were cheated on. It sounds like a very difficult time for you and painful not mention hard with decisions needing to be made to stay or go. I am sure you will find peace in time. Although it may no feel this way at the present time. Please feel free to open up and receive as much online support. You sound like such a strong person already!!