Advice managing relationship with partner's family.

[Happycamper]

My partner and I have been together for 5 years now, commited, stable and living together, both planning for our future. We come from different cultures and languages and he is living here in mine so we're closer to my family. Thankfully we speak each other's languages (he a lot better than me). 

We went to visit his family in their country in year 3 of our relationship which was fantastic. I met most of the family and they are wonderful people, however, I felt uncomfortable much of the time around his mum and grandmother. This stems from cultural differences and language barrier. They are very religious, and use a lot of this vocabulary and talk in a way that is really difficult for me to understand in a second language and communicate very differently to my family. We went on a long road trip together, and his mum would regularly say things I couldn't understand and my partner just wouldn't respond (I've spoken to him about this and he's said that's just his relationship with her) so I would feel obligated to try and engage but really struggled to. When at his family home, he spent much time going through his old things, leaving me with his mum and grandma and I struggled to communicate (this didn't happen with other family members we stayed with). 

It caused some arguments between us on this trip as I felt like I was trying to make a good impression but he never picked up when I was struggling with the language (through looks when I didn't understand or even just saying I was struggling) and it began to make me feel exhausted, straining so hard to understand all the time. Furthermore, I couldn't have a day to myself to have a mental break and see the sites as his mum lived in a gated community far from everything. 

Since this trip, I've felt my relationship with his mum to be strained. Whilst we mostly communicated through my partner in the past, she always used to wish me happy birthday and merry christmas and hasn't done so since the trip and I worry that I've made a bad impression. My partner is an amazing person but when it comes to understanding about needing more language support around his family, I'm often met with 'it's in my head, my language skills are great', or that I need to adapt to his family dynamic with how they talk/don't talk. Whilst these things are true I feel I still need help to get there if I want to have a good relationship with his family (important for both of us) and don't know what to do or if his mum doesn't like me now. Help

[therising]

You sound like such a highly conscious, caring and thoughtful person. The efforts you have gone to are evidence of that. I think it works both ways, in regard to your partner's mother and grandmother. If there's one language that most people can easily share, it's body language. While we may not share a spoken language with others, we can share a smile of acknowledgement, one of welcoming acceptance or one of shared challenge (such as with the challenges that come with a spoken language barrier). If we can work to bridge the language barrier gap with a smile or kind gesture, this can speak volumes. If another ignores us and/or doesn't return the gestures we offer, it can be worth asking 'What fault in them am I witnessing?'. In other words 'This is not my necessarily my fault'. You could also ask 'What abilities did I witness with my partner's other family members?', such as with the abilities that led you to feel comfortable, welcomed, considered and joyful etc.

While you exercised kindness and consideration toward your partner in staying with his mother for a period of time (so that he could experience that), unfortunately he didn't seem to return such kindness and consideration in ways you really needed him to. He was dismissive of the major difficulties you faced and the feelings that came with those difficulties. While my husband's family lives interstate, it's been some time since I've been led to stay with them and this is based on a number of reasons. While they are basically good people in some ways, they lack care and consciousness in ways that I've basically just had to 'suck up' in the past. These are considered my problems (with their blatant racism being just one that I can't live with). While our initial trips to see them over the past 22 years or so led us to stay with them the whole visit, my later desire for us to stay in a motel on our own for part of the visits led to fights between my husband and myself. My husband fought for the kind of holiday he wanted, where he was free to enjoy himself in the way he wished for. It's been some years since I've accompanied him interstate to visit his family. Sounds selfish but it's just too much hard work. I think if there is no compromise (common promise) before setting out on a shared holiday, there's no guarantee that it's going to be a holiday enjoyed by all. The promise would involve effort all 'round, on everyone's part, as opposed to one person doing a lot of the work.

You should feel proud of your efforts, especially given the circumstances.

[HappySheep]

OMG, I feel for you. What you are describing sounds like every relationship with in-laws whether or not there are language difficulties.

Your relationship with your partner is the important one.  Whether his mother etc. like you or not is not your problem.  You have obviously done everything you can to be friendly, communicate etc. They may really like you but feel just as awkward as you do. They may be the sort of family where no one will ever be good enough for their child.  You may never know. 

You may also want something from them that they are just not able to give.  When I first introduced my partner to my parents, she wanted the kind of 'just call me Mum' relationship with the in-laws. My parents are just not those kind of people and it took years for my partner to realise that, although they like her well enough, they are not 'welcome to the family' types.  She gets on much better with them now that she's not expecting them to love and treat her like a daughter.

But keep doing what you are doing. You are doing all the right things to have the best relationship with them possible.  But it is a constant, tiring struggle - for you and for your partner. Your partner may feel like piggy in the middle, pulled between keeping his relationship with you strong, and appeasing parents.  It's not an easy tight-rope to walk.  When everyone is together, parents naturally want to have all the attention of their child - but he also needs to be aware of your needs.

Talk to your partner before you meet/interact with the family.  Make sure you make your needs are known while acknowledging your partner's needs, and set some boundaries before you interact.  If you visit them, make sure you prearrange with your partner that you will have time to do the tourist thing and have a break from family.  If you arrange in advance, you can both know what to say/do without upsetting family dynamics. 

You worry that your relationship is strained since your visit. Has Mum said anything to your partner to indicate that this is true?  She may be feeling the same way with you - i.e. you both met in person and now you're both nervous that you didn't live up to the other's expectations.  If they are not the sort of family where your partner can openly ask his mother (and I can understand why one wouldn't want to make it a 'thing'), then continue to act as though nothing has changed.  You can't control Mum's behaviour, but you can continue to show by your own that you want a good relationship with everyone.  If Mum hasn't said she doesn't like you, I'd take it that she does.

Keep doing what you are doing.  You can't make someone like you if they don't, but there is nothing to indicate that she doesn't like you.  It just seems like normal, awkward in-law/family dynamics at play.  Don't let your own nervousness get in the way.  It may always be awkward and uncomfortable or it may change over time - but Mum will be able to see how wonderful you and your partner are together, and that will be her biggest priority.

Good luck! HS.

[Happycamper]

Thank you so much for this response! 

[Happycamper]

Thank you so much for this response! I will definitely communicate more with my partner beforehand in the future to set up the boundaries! That's super helpful 

[HappySheep]

Hi Happycamper,

Reading over this again today, I just want to add a 'thank you', on behalf of all people with difficult parents.  You have made it so much easier and better for your partner to keep a good relationship with his family because you care about having a relationship with his parents and are willing to put yourself out there to keep everything happy.

My partner has done the same as you, but my brother's wife has made no effort and, instead, taken offense at all sorts of things my parents said or did because of their generation and background - not because they meant any offense to her.  It has strained my brother's relationship with our parents so much they barely see him or their grandchildren.

I want to reiterate that I'm not suggesting that you put up with bad behaviour, and you and partner must hold true to your boundaries.  But thank you, for trying so hard to make a great relationship happen.  It may take time, but it will happen and your own relationship and family will be the better for it.  Keep doing what you're doing, Happycamper.

HS.