Adoption - abandonment issues?

[Kurto87]

Hi all,

I am new to this forum, it was suggested to me by another member as a great source of support.

I was given up for adoption as a baby in November 1987 in Western Australia, and adopted into an amazing home the following February with wonderful parents and siblings in a stable and supportive environment. My parents informed me of my adoption at the age of 12, although they were strongly advised against ever doing this back in 1987. Over the years, although it often visited my thoughts, I rarely questioned it; not because my parents were secretive or offended by it, I suppose I lacked interest until I reached my early to mid 20's. I decided to track down and make contact with my biological family in 2010, which I must say was a efficient and very positive experience for me. I have no complaints and am certainly very lucky to have two supportive families in my life now.

 My mental health issues lie primarily with relationships, and the (often constant) fear or abandonment. I have drifted in and out of relationships since the age of 17, some I've ended, most they have ended. I am currently in a very positive loving relationship with my partner of 12 months who I absolutely adore. However emotional/psychological patterns are emerging that I recognise from previous relationships and I'm terrified these will have a detrimental impact on my current relationship.

- I feel that I am not good enough for her, and constantly question myself "Why does she love me? Is this even possible? Why would anyone?"

- I overreact to small things that are insignificant to most other people.

- I am jealous of her total "togetherness" while I feel like a mess inside

- I constantly seek reassurance that we are ok, I look for it rather than ask for it from her as I do not want to appear 'needy'.

- I feel like I am a needy person in a relationship and I feel that this is unacceptable and unattractive

- I am offended when she needs her own time away from me, and I also jump to conclusions that "this must be the end of us then"

- I mention breaking up occasionally when I am frustrated in the attempt to spark a "we are ok" reaction from her that desperately need (this always backfires!). It feels as if I am beating her to the chase in breaking up kind of thing almost.

These symptoms are recurrent, in every relationships, and appear to be un-triggered. I am currently seeing a psychologist to assist me in dealing with these issues. Just chasing some support I suppose. 

[Jacko777]

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums Kurto87. I relate to a lot of the things you have mentioned, you can really see how you are reacting vs responding and I think if you can stay on track with a psychologist you will find much clarity...and peace.

I have experienced some of the things you are going through, I never would have worked out where my reactions were coming from without the support of professionals. Bit by bit I worked through it, I came to realise which part of me was over reacting and why. I learnt to zip my lips some times and think about my feelings before I shared them with my partner. A fear of loss can become a self fulfilling prophecy if not managed. So keep at it mate, you will come to have a better understanding of what is going on and you will feel better....happier and calmer.

Stay focused on the positive aspects of your self and your relationship, practice believing that you are okay and that your relationship is healthy, eventually it will become a mindset, you will make it true. Take satisfaction, daily, from knowing that you had the courage to get on track, you are on the right track mate. Talk any time.

Jack

[BeFree08]

You sound really sweet, and you obviously care  about this relationship - and maybe you do deserve to be in a relationship with someone who has got the stuff 'together' - ever thought about that.  As long as you are not being abusive when uncertain if  the 'relationship is OK' then you need to relax a little. clear some of the white noise and don't worry too much about the 'why' just let it happen.  And enjoy it for what it is.  If your girl is as 'together' as you say then she would know whether she wants to be with your, or not - and she chooses you.  There is your answer!  Now go and celebrate the lovely weekend together and spoilt her with a little something and appreciate her. x

[White_Rose]

Dear Kurto

Hello and welcome to the forum. It's a really great story you given us about both your adoptive family and birth family. How lovely to have two supportive families.

Like Jack I can relate to your fears and experiences. As with many other people with depression, my self esteem has me questioning if I am good enough for anything at various times. I see many people who appear to be 'together' and I wonder how to achieve this. In reality I suspect many of these folk are not always 'together'. Like everyone else they have their days when things go amiss. I have realised I can only speak for myself. So with that in mind I try to be as positive as I can and accept that sometimes things go wrong.

It's good to have a look around this web site and read the sound and useful information available.

Two people, above, have given you great comments and I add my suggestions to those. I particularly like BeFree08 comment that If your girl is as 'together' as you say then she would know whether she wants to be with your, or not - and she chooses you. That makes great sense to me. I must remember it next time I feel anxious or unworthy.

How are you going with your psychologist? I think you will find more than support there. Your current thoughts and beliefs will be challenged, which is a good thing. I know I have learned a great deal in the past two years.

Keep writing in here. I would love to know how you are going.

Mary

[Marcsa]

Hi Kurto87,

I am an Adopted person. I only was told when I was over 40 and I'm now over 50. I have self esteem issues and feel like I'm not good enough , but I never really knew why. I think Adoption has a lot to do with it, from some of the reading I've done. A baby carried by his/her mother for 9months and then taken/given away from her. I think I am going through a lot of feelings like people do with grief. Th Adoption journey is not a straight easy path, and it affects not only the Adopted person, biological mother and Adoptive parents, but also the following generation.

[None_Known]

OMG, what you have said Kurto is 100% how I have felt my entire adulthood. I get to a point in all of my relationships where I think this is going too good, and it is going to end, I wonder what will end it, you know the usual blah blah adoption pain stuff.

I also get told by my adoptive family that I am more over sensitive than others and so they choose what to include me in and what not to include me in, which of course gets me going as well with the whole, why wouldn't they tell me, don't they think I am included here, again with the blah blah adoption pain stuff.

Being adopted is hard, sooooo hard, and although we have close loved ones around us, unless they are adopted, they won't understand. I have even met my birth family, and I have an older sister, I have tried to keep a relationship going with her, but even now after knowing her for 20 years (we met 20 years ago in April this year!!!) she still is not "used" to having sisters, and although I don't understand what is like to be an only child, she doesn't understand what it is like to feel unwanted. I mean she got to stay with our birth mother. But how do you bring that up with someone? You know, the whole please include me because I am actually your family, but I don't want to say that out loud as that will make me vulnerable to hurt, and also possibly losing the little contact we do have... Tricky times for adoptees really. Such is life though. I just try to remember that things always happen for a reason. We were put into our situations because we were meant to be. I think that sometimes, and think, geez I pity the ordinary person who doesn't have to be resillient, what a boring life!!! Ha ha ha

I hope I helped 🙂

[Luke89]

Hey mate,

Firstly top stuff for posting, u seem a really with it guy and this girl is lucky to have you.

Reading your post really struck a cord with me. I personally can't relate to where u have come from however I am currently trying to get over a relationship with a girl who while not adopted, I suspect has massive abandonment issues stemming from previous relationships and a poor parental upbringing.

All was amazing with us for 12 months until suddenly she broke it off saying I didn't care about her etc, wouldn't speak to me for around 2 months. When we ended up back together a few months later all was apparently sorted out and better this time around until suddenly she broke it off again over nothing and hasn't spoken to me for months since. Adding a FIFO job into the mix as well also didn't help her being away etc.

I suspect she ended it both times when she was feeling really low So in her own mind could be spared the pain of me ending it - which would have never happened by the way.

Looking back now I feel the signs were there, she sometimes asked me if she was too clingy, or asked if we were ok and felt she was in the way of what I wanted to do and said she felt she was never gonna good enough for me.

Unlike my ex gf, the fact u are well aware and acknowledging your issues is one of the most important things, for that reason I think it will all work out for you 😉

Just keep the communcation with your partner open, i think that's the number one thing that will put your mind at ease the most.

Hope I haven't rambled too much and hopefully you can relate to anything out of that.

Good luck mate looking forward to your response.

I hope one day my ex can do the same.