Accepting it is hard for my support

PilbaraMumma · ‎18-08-2019

Hi all. I struggle with anxiety and somewhat with depression. I can see the toll it has on the relationships around me and it breaks my heart. I know it must be a huge sacrifice to support someone like me...but recently in a heated exchange I felt like that point was made and I just died inside. I really didn't find it helpful to be reminded of how difficult it is for my spouse to support me - I understand that it is, I know that it is, but to have it put out there like that, I couldn't deal with it. Does anyone have any advice on how to thank the people who support us and show them I understand how difficult it is? Without having it thrown in my face to send me into a spiral?

paddyanne · ‎18-08-2019

Hi, I was in a similar situation with my (now) ex spouse. He hadn't been subjected to the abuse I was raised with, so he found it difficult to understand my anxieties. My ex in-laws believed people should just forget their past and get on with now. This, to me, is mission impossible. You are a product, like me, of abuse and put downs etc. I don't have all the answers, but I do know I have the right to mix with people who are kind and accept me for me. No-one can be someone they're not and trying to constantly put on the mask of 'who cares' is extremely difficult and not who you are. My ex and his family are what I refer to as 'surface' people. Surface people believe they have to maintain smiling, happy personas because anything else is too hard. When we are involved with people who really care and support us stick with that because you can relax and be 'you'. Thanks isn't necessary, just be you and don't feel guilty for your choices of who you prefer to spend time with. If your spouse and his family comment, who cares, you're contented and relaxed whether they've contributed or not. Don't take responsibility for their feelings. I have some wonderful support people who are NOT surface people. My late mum was a surface person.

White_Rose · ‎18-08-2019

Hello PillbaraMumma

I see this is the third thread you have started in the past few hours. I think the topic is very similar in all three. It's OK to post about different matters but I believe you will get more replies by sticking to one thread. Some will answer you on one thread while others answer on another. The replies become disjointed and confusing to follow both for you and those who want to reply to you. Skipping from one thread to another takes more time than concentrating on one thread.

The topics, as I have said, are very similar and could be discussed under one heading meaning that everyone can read all the replies in one place and you can keep all your thoughts and questions in one spot.

Having said that I do not want you to feel upset. I want to help you as much as possible.

I would not use the word sacrifice in a marriage. You married because you want to be with each other. When life gets complicated in some way it should not be a sacrifice to help the partner who is struggling. Your spouse may be feeling a little stressed or unsure what to do but it is a shame you are being blamed. Two babies to care for is not an easy task and many women are emotional for some time after a birth.

Have you spoken to your obstetrician about your moods? You may be experiencing a little post natal depression. Very common. Chat to your doctor and check it out.

Meanwhile, if you feel up to it, can you sit down with your spouse and talk about how you feel? Explain how hurt you were when he made those comments and how you have been feeling lately. Please also remember that he may also feel worried and upset. Moms in general get support when they are pregnant and after baby is born. No one remembers dad and his feelings. Many dads, especially new dads, are anxious about the same things that concern mom. They also have mood swings.

Can you write down how you feel and sit down with him to talk about it? Acknowledge it has been a difficult time for both of you and this is the time for mutual support. Be as open as possible without trying to blame each other. There's no point in getting into a slanging match as it will not help either of you.

Please decide which thread to stay with. I think you will find it easier. Love to know how you are feeling.

Mary